maybe all these while i've kept myself so busy i have no time to think about it.

i haven been home much.

and parents are complaining already. and the cycle goes on again.

this christmas, i wish that i can turn back the hands of time, to lie in your arms again.

only you can ease my pain.

left the car at home today. hitch a ride, hung out with friends, took a bus home. took a walk home.

it was the kind of "me" time i needed much. never had that for a very long time. i used to think that i need to do something to get me away from thinking. probably i just didn't want the world to see my loneliness and emptiness. midnight drive never really get me thinking. it just got me distracted, for a while.

in the 1.5hours of reflection, i figured i've lost my focus. funny nobody ever told me that. maybe because i always seem so focused. the irony. i know what i wanted but do i really work towards it? i wanted to be good. really good at something. it kinda sucks when nobody ask u anything but has plenty of question for the person sitting next to you. it kinda sucks when no one really can strike up a conversation with you based on what you are good at. either i have a very unapproachable face or everyone thinks i'm an empty shell.

where was the passion i had when i was 19? when i set my ironman goals, set my career goals! maybe it was the evil dollar sign that kill all these simple dreams.

i always wanted a simple home i can rest my body and soul. i don't want to come back to a house where i only want to come back when everyone else is either asleep or out. the silence that echo is deafening.

i almost completed that dream.

i trashed it with my bare hands.

and now i have to lament about it.

is that part of growing old?

and this space is filling up fast. it is just another sign of loneliness.

i've made a very terrible mistake. out of foolishness. i've said things which i don't mean.

and i totally regretted this.

i would give up anything to have it back but things just keep on happening. things that portray the wrong impression of what i'm actually feeling.

bleah. maybe i'm just a confused and lost individual.

let me find myself back first. then i will find you.

would you wait for me?

i've came to realise i'm a selfish person all along. i have never taken into account what others want. it is always about what i want. it didn't occur to me that even if people do not voice out their wants, it does not necessarily means that they do not want it. they are merely keeping quiet about it.

and i do miss my family. i guess my memory of my family are pretty short.

my grandfather. my memory of him is when he brought me to the airport early morning for breakfast when i was around 5? and all the chess game that he won me even though he gave me alot of headstarts. that was at 12. that's about it.

my father. there was once i went for a run with him. and after that, we stopped by the carpark to help the neighbour change a punctured tire. that was when i was 7.

my mother. i used to go to the market with her every time she goes, when im doing afternoon sessions for school. that was when i was 9

my brother. we avoided going to grandma's place on sunday and stayed at home to catch formula1. that was when i was 12

my sister. i remember going downstairs to pick her up every evening. i will hold her hand and bring her home. that was when i was 12.

i love my family. maybe it just because i don't know how to communicate with them. or maybe it was that few incidents that caused me to stop talking altogether. the hurt that i get is probably not what everyone can go through. i'm trying very hard but everytime little things that reminds me of that particular day, i will give up.

and i know i will never be able to move on without resolving this whole issue. it is causing me not to open up to people and people are beginning to find me odd. i have to admit, i'm a tough nut to crack. it is extremely difficult to understand me. i don't understand myself sometimes.

i wish we could have iron-ed this out together.

and i hope.

maybe i was afraid. maybe i was running away.

till now, i dare not open the folder with all our photographs.

a part of me want to look at it and reminisce. a part of me is afraid i will break down.

i thought i was strong. maybe i wasn't.

i was lost.

i thought it was a blinding light obscuring my vision. now i realised, it was the guiding light in my dark world.

finally, i realised i don't live in a perfect world. and i shan't expect for perfection. i ain't perfect to start with, nowhere near it.

maybe that's why i always choose to hide.

we are now so connected to each other that we hardly spend time with ourselves.

communications made so simple that it complicate things.

had a lot of self-discovery lately. all triggered by the simple thought that i've changed much over the years. i've lost a few principles in the process of achieving some shortage that i needed much when i was younger. and now, i just have to find them back. and my life will be all balanced again.

and of course, finding myself back is such a happy thing.

to know that i was, am a good man.

our body is merely a physical being to take us to our destination.

this, coming from someone who is sick for more than a week already. the week of illness really made me realised how important the body is to me. without it, i can literally do nothing. or rather, i can't do everything. work took a plunge. fitness definitely plunge. with only a congratulatory note of a 2.5kg weight loss. now, i've learnt to feed it with the right nutrients and give it a proper system rest everyday. and of coz, to nourish the mind each day. with the recovery in sight, i'm more motivated now to keep it in good shape. figuratively or literally. i've been in a round shape for too long. or maybe i'm just getting vain.

today, i've thought through the things i want to achieve at work. either i'm too ambitious and impatient, or i'm meant to do more, or just my organisation are just paying us too much. there were times i felt like i could have done more but is normally rejected on pay scale basis. how much money do u need to pay for such little (or so i thought) project? and after attending some conference, it turns out that, sometimes, it really take alot of money to get things going! *shocked!

and i have another plan for work today. i wrote it down. and the more i write, the more i realised it's moving up the management level. the timeframe also got longer and longer. seems like its not so easy to move up the corporate ladder too. i know i can do the job that they pay those old people to do. i just gotta be patient now. i shall take this as a time to learn from the ground and so when i reach the top, i will be good! and this is the very thing i need to bring to my office. the attitude of wanting to excel at your work.

sometimes, its just tough to balance between keeping your enthusiaism and motivation high at your workplace when everyone else doesn't care much. you still need people to help you along. this is one thing i will never sacrifice. the hearts of the people.