ah...wtf!

i have been talking to A. a seriously depressed young woman. yet i don't get depressed because of that. instead, she shown me the side of life no one have ever shown me. all along, ever time i feel sad or down or depressed, people try to help me by bringing me back to the light of this fantasy. yes. i do feel better. for a while. A brought me back to reality. something that is really happening. she did not fool me into believing that the world is all well again, that everything is gonna be ok. in fact, she helped greatly by letting me know that the world is NOT going to be ok and everything is NOT going to be alright. yes. it is through this fact that i will learn and i will grow. at least for now, i learnt how to stop pleasing people and start ignoring how others look at me.

for once, i feel really comfortable talking to somebody. just talking. it is not as if i know A very well or she understands me. her thinking is very much similar to mine. to put it bluntly, we are equally weird. i did felt comfortable in confiding in others before but i have trouble in communications with them. so what's the use of me confiding in those people when i know very well that there's nothing they can help but just judge me? what's the use of sharing your problem with others? there's nothign they can help. trust me. nothing. i've decided to stop having the illusion that sharing my problem helps.(in fact, i got no one to share my problems with). what most people can do is just to pretend to listen (or maybe they really listen, but so?) and judge you. i don't want to be seen as weak. i want to be strong.

it's not easy to find people who is and enjoy being a lone ranger. we work and live alone though we do have company physically.

and btw, i was amazed when i began to look at some issues from another side of the story. something that i have never ever think about. for many times, i have only look at things from a reasonable point of view. however, last night , i found out there's another reasonable side of story in the most absurb side of the story. sounds complicating? try understanding someone with post natal depression. you get what i mean.

and i can feel my spirit lifted higher as the days go by.

the only way we can tell apart dreams and reality is the process of waking up. but have you ever wonder what if you can't feel the waking up process? what if you dream that you are dreaming and you dreamt that you woke up? which one are you going to choose as the reality? why do people assume that waking up is the process that bring us from the dreams back to reality? why not falling asleep as a process to bring us from our illusions back to reality?

if there aren't dreams as real as reality, why do i feel it so vividly? the heat, the smell, the touch and the sound? why do i have cuts on my hands that i've gotten when i thought i was dreaming? why do i feel pains and aches that i've gotten when i'm supposed to be dreaming?

i observed a drop of blood on my shirt. damn. i hope she's ok. let's pray that she didn't do that again.

"are you happy today?"
"yes, i am. how about you?" i replied.

she turned away, trying her very best to use her smile to disguise her pain. there we go away, drowning ourselves in brandy, whisky and loud music. we got ourselves lost among the crowd. so lost that our troubles could not find us back. so lost that we didn't even know who we are. it's euphoric. a joy that is temporary but enough to make us smile.

"is she ok? she looks fine today." i asked S.
"no. she's not. look at your shirt. i bet you didn't noticed that."

oh fuck! i have blood stains all over my shirt. not drops of blood but splashes. i made sure my eyes never leave her.

things do go wrong somewhere in this world, when we are thinking happily that the world is still revolving. it's a preview to what's going to happen to me. i don't trust anyone. she don't trust anyone. i feel no fuck for anybody in this place of deception. i live my own life in my own way. i have friends but i have no close friends. i have nobody to turn to. so what if i have? he or she can only watch me fade away helplessly. so what if i care for someone? all i can do is also to watch him or her fade away helplessly. it's a deception that we need each other. no. we only need each other to know that we are still alive, still surviving in this crap.

i should stop being bothered by what others say about me or think about me. no one judges me except myself and god. let them be. let them go ahead and think that they are more superior than me.

"i never turn back to them once they betrayed me. why should i? they don't deserve a second chance."

yes. i'm not going to be a yes-man no more today. not going to be the one pleasing everybody. i'm not a people-pleaser. i'm not appreciated. all i'm doing is making myself look more degrading than them. these kind actions are only signals to make them feel they are superior. no way. i'm not going to do that again.

"i'm used to all these. if it's time for me to go, there's nothing to stop it. in fact, i'm only leaving for the sake of the boys."

what about me? what am i living for?although i'm not going to do anything stupid but i question my presence. i'm not even supposed to be here. i don't know if it's against god's will that i'm here or god sent me here for a purpose. i'm just living by the day.

i'm torn. torn apart deep inside. there's no one to mend my broken soul. no one there to see the state i'm in. i wish i had a big sister. a big sister to care for me, to mend my soul, to touch me and say everything is going to be alright. then, i will rest assured and close my eyes and sleep.

it hurts to fall from somewhere high. it really hurts. and the worst thing is not about the pain, but the fact that i have to climb all the way up again. it's demoralising. i almost wanted to give up. no point to climb all the way up so that i can fall so hard again, i told myself. then again, nothing is there if we don't try. dilemma. depression. shits!

thankfully i will be able to have a long rest this coming weekend. if not, i will just continue to move along in this cycle of depression. having a long break will and should enable me to get my thoughts together before moving on again.

and still i want to ask this question, why do people think i'm a childish and happy-go-lucky person who doesn't know anything and shouldn't be told anything except foolish jokes? it's insulting you know. the worse thing is when i ask out of concern and someone tell me straight in the face "this kind of thing you wouldn't know one lah" and i answered back " i know more than you do." the guilt on the person face. the guilt of the fact that he just judged someone without any backing other than looks. other than the fact that he thinks he's more superior. wtf. no one but god judges me!come on. let it be the last time i encounter it. one need not pull a long face each day to let people know you are mature. you don't have to act mature to be mature. and smiling each day doesn't mean you are a kid who have no troubles and no knowledge of things happening. i just chose to look at it from a more optimistic and reasonable point of view. so fuck off.

african divas live with trance music from UK. almost perfect.

fucking shit. i'm depressed. not new but this is one of the most serious cases. i'm doubting everything about myself. i have not spoken a single word today. not at all. i feel insecure living in this world. i doubt my existence. maybe the world will still go round if i disappear. i really feel like vanishing from this world. then i will wonder how many notice that. i feel as if i'm going to explode anytime. i have too much inside of me. i need to release some of it. argh!

sometimes, knowing yourself too much is dangerous. like now. half of me is experiencing some depression and another half is trying to console me. trying to untie the knot in my heart. why? why can't it work? i swear the half trying to untie is on a neutral ground. please. right at this moment, please don't think something is wrong with me. everyone has depression. do i need a psychiatrist? maybe soon if this is not improving.

i feel fuck up. i'm lonely. there's no where to go for me to sort out my thoughts. zouk was one place. but it's only when i'm down on sat or what. it's daytime now. everywhere i go, i'm disturbed. yes. i'm disturbed. from outside and inside. my mind is unstable. i seem to have no one to turn to. my fault. my fault for not trusting people. for being to straightforward at times. my fault for appearing jovial and easy-going all the time. you know, when things happen, it can only be your fault.

i don't know how this week is going to progress. maybe lotsa quarrels and unhappiness with people but i will try to control. bad temper is a sign of weakness and i ain't want to show no one i'm weak. i can say i'm weak but i'm not showing it. be strong.

are all the above bitchings? i wish. i wish i can bitch. it will help to release some of the things i have inside of me. i really feel like running away. i always have this dream that i ran away, to a faraway place. to a farm where i just work. where i get disconnected from the world. where no one disturbs me. where i simply live for the day of death. isn't it true? we live to wait for the day of our death? at least from what is presented to my eyes now. then again, why do i trust my eyes?

no, i'm not affected by the book i'm reading. 'matrix and philosophy'. no i'm not. even before i watch the movie, i always have this idea that our existence is merely a packet of energy. packets of energy floating around. once a while, the packets interacts and that's how we know each other. this packet of energy trick us into thinking that things actually exist. so that it's easier for the packets to interacts. any higher beings controlling these? i'm still thinking about it.

ok. that's it. i'm still feeling fuck up.

i locked myself up in a dark dark room. where sunlight don't even see me

it's raining again. i don't want to go home yet. i wanted to ask the cab driver to drive around somewhere. somewhere which i don't recognize. watching the raindrops falls on the windows set me thinking. thinking about nothing. nothing at all. i almost told the driver to bring me to some hotel to spend the night alone. i love spending rainy days somewhere alone. i don't want anyone to disturb me. i'm lonely and i'm hostile.

and here the story goes again....

and i had the worst nightmare. i dreamt of something like what happen in the show '28 days later'. planet earth is wipe out except a few of us left surviving. it's sad to see that you run around looking for your friends who got lost suddenly and the next thing you know, you saw them in a chemical suit, being a paranoid and they can't even recognise you. it's sad. maybe this is just a nightmare reflecting reality. trying to pull your friend out of misery and he can't even recognise that, assuming you are just stepping into his life.

" i am only one but i am one. i cannot do everything but i can do something. and because i cannot do everything, i will not refuse to do the something that i can do. what i can do, i should do. and what i should do, by the grace of God, i will do. "

ya. this week is a very busy week. beside getting ready for new missions and brand new radio telephony, i am put in charge of a lecture for the wing about discipline and 2 i/c for a project that analyse the difference between "operation desert storm" and "operation iraqi freedom". the latter is a interesting project which is a topic of my interest but the problem lies with the tight deadline and the lack of research facilities in camp. not exact lack. just that it is restricted. we are not allowed to have electronic storage medium in camp and this restrict our research to only 2 computers in camp. darn. anyway, this make me feel more like working then serving NS. this is what i am going to face in the squadron in future too. this give me more reason to enjoy myself during the weekends. it's a reward for myself after a hard week's work.

ya. i did cycle over the weekend. it was a short ride over to a friend's house to settle some stuff and yet i was very tired! i don't know it's due to the lack of sleep or the windy route but i doubt so. i haven't cycle for so long. my legs are dead. i can only endure some long distance. i can't even run a 2.4km with a pace i used to do. and the latest update, i suspect i have shin splints and also my achilles tendon hurts after a short interval training. sucks. i doubt i wan to take a rest. i will get lazy after that. i'm just going to tone down my training until the injuries get better. anyway i've read about it. it's more of calf muscle inbalance.

i feel so much happier this week. previous weeks i had those "i hate the world" kind of mentality. i sorted it out. now i just feel sad that people do play politics around in working environment. backstabbing and complaining here and there. curry favour and trying to be favourite in superior's eyes. and worse of all, innocent parties are dragged into such ugly fights. bleah. all i can do is to hope and pray that this nonsense end soon. we are still trainees. we shouldn't even be thinking about such politics. what joy do you get by stepping on people to push yourself higher up? will there be any sense of satisfaction or guilt?