*soar throat*

i guess i'm dehydrated from those clubbing and walking-around-orchard activities. on top of this, i'm having this feeling i always get before my 40degrees fever started. anyway, today i guess i will be sleeping early. think i will give tomorrow morning run a miss. don't want to risk getting sick.

it will be a great but extremely tiring week this coming one. prom's on on wed and i'm not ready at all. not at all. geez. have to attend ms ho's wedding on sat and to get my race number too. maybe i will make a trip to the runners' expo on fri instead. then it will be pasta party. i guess i'm going to try carbo-loading this time. see if it works. oh~ i just read about carbo-loading on the net. it has to be done over time instead of the last few days. luckily i always make carbohydrates the bulk of my meal since 2 weeks ago.

woah...this is getting out of hand. two clubbing trips in just four days. however yesterday was a truly enjoyable day. check this out : went into zouk free, drank long island tea free and took a free ride in bmw right to my doorstep. this is really good.

*brainless. can't think of anything else to comment about.*

so, triathlon is not such a rare sport anyway. teng ren's dad and his brother are into triathlon too. aspiring ironman. maybe i can schedule some time to train with them. tengren crashed his dad's scott racer. it hurts. haha.

this holiday boredom is getting into me. i slept the whole day yesterday, waking up occasionally to watch tv, eat lunch and dinner and to go to the bathroom. at least it's not that bad today. watched 'the negotiator' and the amazing race before going out to slack. nice shows.

sometimes i find it funny to share affairs of the heart with buddies. i mean sometimes it's really helpful but when you say it to the whole brotherhood, (haha) you get the brothers becoming love experts giving all sorts of advice from their experiences. it's really different from telling the things to girls. then again, brothers are important. the advices are really important and the feeling that someone is there with you is always important.

i have this million dollar question in my mind for two weeks: "does grace still mean so much to me?" for the past two weeks i thought i have gotten over her. but i guess it's because the exams and the companionship of friends that are distracting my thoughts. on sunday i started thinking about her again. geez. and i realise that i still care for her alot. maybe i don't know her well enough to stop liking her. well, at least i'm lucky. the feeling have sort of faded away. so whenever i think of her, i will not feel sad. i will just go, "oh, just too bad that i can't have her. god, just make sure that she's happy with her life."

i just realised what's so wrong about teenagers in singapore. everyone seems to be confused about dating and having a bf/gf. maybe i'm the one confused but i suppose dating is all about going out with people without any commitments. it's just to see if the two of them are together. having a bf/gf will need a commitment. you can't say you go into a relationship with somebody and then ask for a breakup just because you two are not compatible. maybe then you should go out for more dates, not just commit yourself blindly to a single guy.

i love the column in the straits times life today. i think kelvin tong writes really well, with a sense of humour and seriousness all in a piece of article reflecting our behaviours.

oh, btw, my sincere apologies to those i have insulted and scolded over the last month for mentioning academics in front of me. i was too sick of talking about the same thing which makes me stress everyday.

maybe i should stop looking into girls eyes so blatantly. it's going to bring me troubles very soon. haha. maybe i should not stare at this computer screen for too long. i don't want my eyes to look dead later. i need to stare..haha..maybe for one last time. don't mind? however i guess the most important reason i should leave this seat now is that i'm late. AGAIN. this lack of puntuality is getting into me again. haha...okok..enough.

woah! i ran 15km today in 1hr 22mins. i almost cried at around 10km mark. it's tough. maybe i ran too fast for the first km. i realised maybe i'm sort of gifted to run long distance. after 6km, i really settle into my constant pace and my overall perceived exertion wasn't high. it's very low. aerobic range. good. maybe i shouldn't carry a water bottle. it really hinder my arm swing and that's one thing that make me so tired. then again, 15km without water is like suicide.

i'm abit guilty. did nothing relating to academic for three days. have been reading up "triathlete" magazines and a book on "triathlon manual". the magazines are my source of motivation and the book is my "coach". now i really question my abilities to do an ironman in future. the longer the distance i run, the more i admire those ironman.

now, jarrica will be my friend from another kind of background. so the reason she started talking to me is that i look like 23. she reccomended me to pick up this part time job which people have earned $1000 a week. it depends on commitment. no basic salary. all the money come from commission. wonder if i should do it.

thought of something while running along that scary,long and straight tampines road just now. i think some philosophers mentioned it before but i really learn that while running today. "before you can see what's behind, you have to climb this hill" and " for every upslope, there will be a downslope waiting."

*brain not functioning well*

i miss my thrill ride with the subaru team at the motorshow yesterday. my friends and i actually went for it three times when the others only go for it once. it's just because we asked the driver to show us some extra stunts. haha. Russ Swiff was cool. i missed his autograph session for the 3 thrill rides but fortunately i met him at suntec.

i need to know more people from all sorts of background. at least now i know jarrica from the motorshow (the how i know her part is a big embarassment). maybe soon i will get to know alot of car enthusiasts.

i think i'm like the frog in the well. there're so much things for me to know and do and yet i'm still stuck here. not that i'm blaming anybody or whatsoever but i just wish that there're more things for me to do. i guess the latest breakthrough in my life is that i got out of my "blame everyone else" character. sometimes, i wonder if i need to be more selfish and unforgiving in order to protect myself. some people mentioned that i'm too good and that's the reason i'm always being taken advantage of. however, most of time i don't see myself being hurt. maybe just another enlightenment.

i'm so bored now, again. feeling so lazy. i don't even know what i wish to do now. this is the kind of boredom i hate most. just sitting down there, not knowing what to do. sometimes it's scary.

what's with the word 'lovely'? i like this word. just did another online quiz. just because i'm born in february means i'm lovely. maybe i'm changing 'lonely planet' to 'lovely planet'.

Disorder | Rating
Paranoid: Moderate
Schizoid: Low
Schizotypal: Moderate
Antisocial: Low
Borderline: Low
Histrionic: Moderate
Narcissistic: Moderate
Avoidant: Low
Dependent: Moderate
Obsessive-Compulsive: High

infomation

have been feeling good the past few days. i realised i don't really desire grace but i can't deny she's important to me in my life, as a friend. don't know what shall i write here. maybe i shall just paste some interesting quotes i have been hearing from 'smallville'. btw, when i read quotes or lyrics, it's not only about the words. sometimes it's about something deeper, sometimes it's just about the feeling they induce on me.

"the hardest thing in the world is telling the girl you love you like her"

"a highschool bf isn't her husband, it's an obstacle."

"everyone is searching for their(sic) soulmate, it's not a sign of weakness" <-*this is nice*

"who have not felt ashame about his/her parents at any one time of their life?" -'sweet home alabama'

9 more days but i'm already relaxing. i guess the bunch of us are the only jc2 students slacking around. went shopping yesterday AND today. haha. in the end, i don't have to buy shirt and shoes for my prom night. i have them at home. now i can spend the money on some other things. saw a pretty nice shirt today. maybe i will buy it. it's rare for me to buy clothes but that's something i think is really nice.

i'm really fat! my brother's shirt fit so nicely on me but the pants just wouldn't fit. i wasn't even close to the buckles. i can even feel my belly now as i sit down and type. i seriously need to get my tummy off within 2 weeks. the thing is i can't stand the temptation of food. bleah~all the chicken rice, indian rojak, malay food and seafood have been making me fat. fat is going to slow me down. i need to get back to the sub-68kg weight. trust me, even 0.5kg can mean a difference when u run long distance like the half marathon.

i better sleep early today. my bio-clock is back to the nocturnal mode again. and i skipped my runs today just because i couldn't wake up. tomorrow i'm going to run 11km. this time i'm asking my mum to wake me up. in any case that i choose to sleep instead of run, she will scold me. haha. supportive family is so important to athletes. read the story about how a wife help her husband to complete his ironman. cheers to ironsherpas(don't really know what's that)

btw, through the bravery of dc, we manage to find out how the new "backless secret bra" works. haha

seriously, maybe i should stop talking to grace. haha. the more i talk to her, the more i'm convinced that i truly like her. hai~ anyway, just found out that we got so much in common too..haha

i did my usual "how to improve human to human relationship" debate before i sleep yesterday. i'm curious. whenever someone make a statement, do they always expect a reply? a certain kind of reply? serious, tell me about anything you know at the opinion column.

i just realised that whenever i need to decide something important in my life, i will tend to want to consult grace. if i couldn't get her, i wil really take very, very long to decide. then again, i'm really having the comfortable feeling about her. just plain friends. not even close. rumours have complained that i'm disturbing her though she say i'm not. these rumours are really disturbing me. i wouldn't want to disturb her, or anyone else for that matter.

i found a new route without any traffic lights disruption for my long runs. however, it's a pretty 'empty' route. there will be no flats to shade me from the sun. the route is near airport, so obviously, no highrise building. i will try the route next week after i measure it on the map.

my legs are getting sore.

yay~(again). i have this impression that depression have happiness have what i call inertia. when they happen, they will just keep on rolling and you really need something big to stop it.

i've met my target of 7.4mins per miles (4.66mins per km) pace. however, it was a 5.5 km run with approximately 3minutes of stopping due to traffic. i think i can do better (of course). first, i stopped training for a good half month. secondly, it was very hot today! i started at 9:00am. then, i didn't have much for breakfast. only a cup of milo and a small piece of bread. the course was hilly(that's what really slows me down) and about 1km of the course is like barren grassland. i can continue to run but i decided to save energy for my double training sessions tomorrow. now i seriously believe the art of 'taper week' and i'm going to follow it strictly!

anyway, i would like to applaud the effort of the organiser of the standard chartered singapore marathon. they really put in effort. now i don't have to worry about my transport on the actual day as there will be complimentary bus services. then, there's the clinics, offers and pasta party at the exposition 2 days before the event day. they also have this breakfast joints at east coast park so that supporters can cheer as they eat. by the way, my supporters will be welcomed. haha..

argh..i'm still waiting for my stomach pain to go away before i gulp down my big mug of milo. so much so for running w/o breakfast, after days of laksa and seafood. i have to watch my diet from today onwards. that's tough for me as i can't stand the temptation of food, especially when i have a craving for it.

yay~today is a good good day. i registered for the half-marathon. my parents allow my to go taiwan with my friends. chatted with a bunch of good old buddies for so long. nice day~

i was kind of sad when i saw some neighbourhood school boys playing soccer while i was on my bus going to school. it's just a glass separating freedom and stress. hmm..realised that many things in the world are separated by this glass. we can see it but we can feel it. it's totally 2 different atmosphere.

i'm not confident of my As. i see that the effort i put in is almost no effort compared to others but i seriously have nothing to study. if the A level results come out and i do better than people, either these people lied about how hardworking they are or i'm lucky or they are unlucky or they are just plain stupid(i don't mean to be mean here.). i've lied about my diligence before so that people will not give me that kind of 'go away, slacker' look. it's important especially in my college. i have a feeling that not many people in my class like me because i'm such a slacker.

why i always can't recognise eq? anyway it's not my fault. yao couldn't recognise her too. some girl say hi. i thought it's his friend, he thought it's mine. so we hi back. it goes like this:
eq : hi
me n yao : hi
me : hi who?
yao : don't know
me : whos tt?
yao : issit eq?
me : (shouts) eq eq eq
she turned around. LOL

haha...i was just reading my blog. do i sound like very sad n depressed in all these blogs? because i don't feel so all the time. nvm. they are just my thoughts without the exact feelings.

is becoming adults means that you realise that ideals doesn't exist in this world and there are things you have to do? i don't know how to list examples. maybe like when we were young we always think that "oh no. i'm not going to do this because i don't like it". however, now i think that there are some things we need to do even if the thing sucks. maybe that's what all of us call 'life sucks' but nowadays i call it 'reality'. i guess reality doesn't bite. not if you face it with the right attitude. part of growing up huh? haha.

i wonder if i should marry. sometimes (most of the times) i want my future to be like this: drive a BMW 3series (or at least a mitsu evo) to work(that doesn't not require me to sit down and stare at paper), drive home after work to my 3-storey bungalow(living alone), watch tv, do whatever i like. on weekends, i shall invite friends over for BBQ. maybe if i'm that rich i will open a garage and on weekends i may just spend my day there.

these few days i have been experiencing weird feelings. first, it feels as though i'm back to the past. then i have this feeling that i get during christmas something like 2 years ago. i have a sense of success and a sense of companionship. hmm..weird.

i think being nervous during exams means alot to me. my maths paper 1 is so screwed just because i can't keep my cool. either that or the paper is indeed tough. i still think it's because i'm nervous because i realised i can actually do them. anyway, i've learnt my lesson and for the following papers i focus on keeping my heart rate down and breathing instead of formulas. geez. it helps though my heart was at 90bpm before chem.

i really like major exams. they really stretch my mind. my brain was like going at 400% of the effort during normal tests and school exams. now i wish that MOE can have this system of having a project that constitutes 50% of the final grade right after exams. at least for me, it is during exams period that i learnt so much things and it is during the exams itself that i began to start thinking about the subjects. frankly speaking, i won't be bothered to read up on reports after exams cause there's no point? i wish i'm in a system whereby the written exams is not of SUCH importance. maybe then i will be hardworking all year round. if not, my laziness is not going to get me anywhere. i need THAT kind of motivation. (btw, nothing beats my laziness.)

hmm..the song 'one step closer' keeping repeating itself in my mind. i wonder i'm one step closer to what.

a little feeling of confidence,
a little word of encouragement from myself,
a small bowl of soup from mum,
a sms wishing me luck,
a 'all the best' from grace,
a perfect way to start my battle (against myself).

geez. how am i going to stop smiling? there's something (cheerfulness) in grace's voice. well, i hope she's touched that i called just to say 'all the best'. oh yes, my heart rate shot up when i heard her voice and her encouragement has bought it down to normal again.

talking about heart rate, mine reach 60beats per min liao. i'm actually aiming for 50. Dave Scott the triathlon veteran actually has it at 40. geez. amazing. btw, he's well over 60 years of age.

i'm sleeping. steady and cool. come on, i can do it!

i just realised that A levels will be gone in like 16days. woah!
haha..read about my horoscope today. 2 sources mentioned that i have difficulty getting people to understand my idea and i yearn for a simple life. they also mention that i don't place much emphasis on boy-girl love issues. haha. so true.
16days!!! 16 days!!!!! i guess i will be playing like mad and going to lotsa places to stay over. meanwhile, there're a couple of things to do during As. i want to watch 'the returner' and go to 'singapore motorshow'.
yea!16DAYS!!!!this is motivating. compared to the 20odd days i have to wait during prelims. now i just hope that after As my life will not feel too empty suddenly.
oh btw..i just have this good feeling about the A level. i'm super nervous now but i just have the good feeling. good!

how i wish i can just stop here and go work as a mechanic. then i will start my own garage. meanwhile maybe i will take up night classes. this is what i call simple life. i realise that the lower class you are in the social caste system, the simpler your life is.

what you qualify as love? not just boy-girl love but all sorts of love. that, i'm confused. i can't get it right. i just said something to my friend which i think it's so true and typical of me. "you can never give 100% trust. the maximum you can give is 99%"

argh. my ankle is officially in great pain, even when walking or standing. however, i still don't want to give up that half-marathon thingy. hai~anyway, if i sign up for it, i will get a free 30 minutes consultation with some podiatrist. maybe then i will ask him what's wrong.

i'm really a lost sheep now. i can't see what i will be doing in 10 years or even 2 years time. so far, i'm still sticking to the pilot dream. i wonder how my wife(if i can have and decided to have one) will look like. i wonder how the world will look like. maybe i shouldn't think too much. my brain is already complaining. that day i was having a headache so bad that the whole of my left side of the head hurts like mad. i seriously think of a MRI scan if it's recurring for the next month. i read about this angina pectoris.geeez.same symptoms. time to do more exercise and watch my cholestrol level. maybe i want to go for blood test too. this is just for fun.

bleah~
my computer while i was making my own audio cd. now my favourite track of 'wonderful' by everclear is not in. bleah
i added 'drsheep to my links under friends. she's not my one of my friends (strictly speaking). i read about her blog on 'streats'.
just to share. isn't this the purpose of a blog?

oh man!
sometimes i love doing quizzes that eq post. i find them so true. i did another one of those from forwarded mail just now. it claimed to be developed from havard. it's super true also. geez. now i really want to be one of those people who develop such thing. it's cool to be able to understand people mindset but it's kind of scary and burdensome to know. at least to me. i seem to be able to understand why people do certain things and how they will react to certain situations. called it god's gift or whatever. it help me make alot of friends. i always have this feeling of wanting to enlighten these people that i'm able to understand but i just don't know how to do it. furthermore, it's like (i guess) 90% of them wouldn't even be bothered by what i say. i've come to realise that i am not able to change too many things in the world and i must stop the thought that i want to change people. it's possible but i'm really tired of it. real tired. i'm worn-out. however, right now, i want to understand the mindset of those peple who enjoy framing others.

i think i'm really a coward. laugh but it save my life. if i had been brave, i would have jump down from some building or dash across some roads. i'm sick of ego. i'm sick of bullshit. i'm sick of talking to people hiding behind a mask all day long. now i actually wish that i have some brain tumour or whatever. just make me lose my memory then take my life away. among all the people i know, i actually wish that i'm the first to die, before my parents, before anyone. it hurts to see people leaving you.

take off that mask. ego doesn't bring you anywhere too.

can i die in my sleep peacefully?

will injecting air bubbles into my bloodstream make me die just like that?

*on some peaceful music*
have you ever have any regrets in your life? have you ever keep thinking about "what if"? have you ever question your aims and purpose? have you ever love somebody and be loved in return? will you be sitting down and start thinking about these seriously? what will be running in your mind? have you ever feel guilty for not being able to help those people out there? do you sit down for a minute each day to reflect your action? do you support charity drive? do you appreciate what is given to you? do you want more than what is necessary for you? are you selfish? are you self-centered? are you afraid of embarrassments or disappointments? are you going to be bothered by this?

answer the questions truthfully, for yourself. it take me so long to answer these things with just a 'yes' or 'no'. if you want to reason them out, make sure you are free of distractions for at least a day. just lie on your bed and think. think about yourself and your actions.

if you think you can't make this world a better place, think again. if you think the world owes you, think again and again.

*disappointed and even more pissed*

what the hell is wrong? first i can get this connection to work properly. then when it finally work properly, i realised that my SAT 1 score actually drop by ten. i really don't know what's wrong. i did put in effort for this. my maths still didn't achieve perfect score and my verbal dropped by ten. i think local universities will take the best out of the two. anyway i don't think it matters, a difference of 10 out of 1600. maybe i'm just so lousy. i didn't plan to go US to study. i still insist on UK.

now i just wish i have a big sister to hug me and tell me that everything is alright and everything will be wonderful again.

'i wish i can count to ten, make everything be wonderful again......i laugh aloud so that my friends won't know when the bell rings i just don't wanna go home. i go to my room and i close my eyes, i make believe i have a new life. i don't believe you when you say everything is wonderful someday. promises means everything when you're little and the world is so big.......i don't want to hear you say i will understand someday..someday, i hate everythin, i hate everything. ever want to live with me? please don't tell me everything is wonderful now.'

*super pissed*
ultra quiet state on. self defense mechanism on.

i observed that quite a number of people actually like to say something like "think i'm going to do quite badly" or give themselves some pessimistic aims before they actually start doing anything. i figure out that they are pretty egoistic. you see, when they say aloud those pessimistic aims, no one will actually look down on them or give them the thought-you-can-do-it face. they are afraid of embarrassment of not being able to succeed. by saying those things before they actually start doing, they are providing a setting so that people around them will naturally expect something lesser from these people. sad. people still indulge in bluffing themselves. i have to admit that i also do that but i have been controlling myself after some incident last year. it's pretty hard at first. you have to face disappointment and laughter from around.

i guess i should really control my thinking when i'm really pissed. i will just stop doing alot of things i really want to do and start planning to do things that i never want to do. being pissed make my brain tired. sadly, i still can't find any ways to control my emotions when someone just pissed me off like that. so far, it's only cycling at a freaking speed but that's dangerous. i still want my life.haha.

i wonder what children are thinking when they always look at something so intensely.

seriously speaking, i really think there's something wrong with my brain. i get giddy spells, headache and worse, these days my eyes can't focus and things i read or even do are not being registered in my brain. bleah. hope i look better now. everyone says i look so pale yesterday.

'i close my eyes when i get too sad, i think thoughts that i know are bad'

*super pissed*
ultra quiet state on. self defense mechanism on.

i observed that quite a number of people actually like to say something like "think i'm going to do quite badly" or give themselves some pessimistic aims before they actually start doing anything. i figure out that they are pretty egoistic. you see, when they say aloud those pessimistic aims, no one will actually look down on them or give them the thought-you-can-do-it face. they are afraid of embarrassment of not being able to succeed. by saying those things before they actually start doing, they are providing a setting so that people around them will naturally expect something lesser from these people. sad. people still indulge in bluffing themselves. i have to admit that i also do that but i have been controlling myself after some incident last year. it's pretty hard at first. you have to face disappointment and laughter from around.

i guess i should really control my thinking when i'm really pissed. i will just stop doing alot of things i really want to do and start planning to do things that i never want to do. being pissed make my brain tired. sadly, i still can't find any ways to control my emotions when someone just pissed me off like that. so far, it's only cycling at a freaking speed but that's dangerous. i still want my life.haha.

i wonder what children are thinking when they always look at something so intensely.

seriously speaking, i really think there's something wrong with my brain. i get giddy spells, headache and worse, these days my eyes can't focus and things i read or even do are not being registered in my brain. bleah. hope i look better now. everyone says i look so pale yesterday.

spend two lovely hours with my bike today. now it look as though it was bought yesterday. though i slept only 4 hours, i felt so energetic when i woke up in the morning. wanted to go for a run but my back and legs doesn't seem to agree to that idea. so as the rule go, better to be undertrained then overtrained, i wash my bike. lovely.

*pissed and speechless*

translated 'cheng mo gao yang'
when people misunderstood me, i'm always silent.
to me, silence is a form of rebellion.
when people left me, i live alone.
to me, happiness is a legend
when there are more enemies, friends leave me.

so true. maybe some mr solutions and smarties will go 'why don't you tell people you are misunderstood?". bleah. can't be bothered to say beyond this. this bring me to what happen last night. i realised that my heart is so empty now. things that i have been keeping in my heart for like about a year was gone...into grace's ears. she's such a great listener. this is not a biased point of view anyway. no wonder i feel so light and cheerful.

is there a part time job as bicycle messenger in singapore? if there is please tell me ASAP.

i didn't swim. cycled to grace's house to drop the letter. it's been so long since i last cycle. in fact, the last time i cycled is when i witness my friend fell. trauma. cycling fitness improved.

i had enough of those 'singapore sucks' kind of thing. come on. don't be so childish. if you think outside is better, go there. stop complaining. i'm used to one of my motto : ' appreciate it or leave it'.

my brain seems to be not working currently, as you can see from the bits and pieces of content. nowadays i like to do this piecing game before i sleep. i will just start thinking about dreams i have and start to piece them together. it's fun and it get you to sleep real fast.

before i go i just want to say this: " if you think you can do a better job, do it. stop making noises."