i found the root of my problems. yes. after thinking through much sleepless night. and i'm trying my very best to get to the root of this problem and the very first step is to make myself comfortable at home. sounds weird but it is the case. anytime i'm free, i'm going to tidy up my room and tidy up everything at home that's in a mess. this will at least give me something to do initially. after that, when everything is in place, i gonna find something real meaningful to do at home. next year, my brother will not be using the room on weekdays and so i will have the whole room to myself, one step to solving all my problems. i want privacy. i want space.

i need some emotional support too.

be advised. i'm not depressed. don't come talking to me, asking how am i and why this and that. just fuck off. you don't even qualify to ask how i'm feeling.

please. i beg you. don't judge me.

there's nothing i can do about those things. i'm not really feeling upset by how i've been meeting hypocrites or about any thing else. bleah. how about i'm more upset that no one understands me? not a single soul even know why i'm so upset. sometimes i'm just frustrated. how i wish someone can just read right into my heart so that i wouldn't have to explain why i'm so upset. isn't it fuck up to explain why you are upset? don't come and ask me why. don't come and console me. i'm just not that kind of person. A will know what to do with me.

i know it's just a foolish game of popularity. it fucking sucks.

i know it's quite a stupid thing to do. i'm just being fooled again. i don't know. i don't have much outlet for myself, you know?what else can i do beside pouring out to her or just dissolved all my frustrations into alcohol, strobe and music? darn. too many things happen over the past week. i need time to recover. i need time to figure out what i should do.

thank you. i say thank you not because you accompany when i feel down. because you have shown more concern than friends around me.

i just want some quiet moments by myself. but i can't. how i wish i can just spent a few days and nights alone, then i will sort out my thought. it's a mess and it only get worse with things injecting.

ohhh..my dear whisky...ohh...

i can't help but just want to fuck around those people who seem to crave for popularity. what's it with the damn 'p' word? everyone is like so engrossed into it. thanks to this friendster thing, the desire to be popular has grown stronger among many. can you imagine that i get request from people whom i have never talk to for years and the next thing i know they want a testimonial? wtf is going on? then people are just boasting about how pretty the girl they met. all the names of the pretty people. geez. what's the big deal about knowing just their names? worse of all. i've been mistaken to enjoy clubbing so much because i'm always trying to look popular. fuck off if you can't even understand me. and why do people only hang out with people who have connections to pretty people? wtf. this world is getting insane about popularity. why must you degrade someone so just you can look better? if you really mean to help him, help me, not degrade him in front of all. alright. whatever you do, just don't irritate me with your rise in popularity. i fucking give a damn.

never try to look as if you are waiting for something free in a club. there got to be some dignity in clubbing.

am i just getting more cynical? do i actually need some psychiatrict help? i though i do but it's useless because i wouldn't know what to say to the psychiatrist. no, i don't need a psychiatrist. i need love. i need to love and be loved.

and so i'm alone now, my wings are broken, i cannot fly, i cannot move, i'm broken, left on the ground.

"listening to me, being there. thank u 4 nv judging me, tho u knw i'm in the wrong. thank u 4 nv saying 'i told u so'"
found this in someone's blog. yes. how true it is. how i wish i could thank somebody for not telling me "i told you so". a simple four words that can really break my heart. she never does that. she fulfilled all the criteria in the above quote but there's still something lacking. trust, it is.

i simply feel like crying.

i'm back into lola. lol. geez. last night was the first time i witness a police raid in a club. lights on, music stop, bar stop selling drinks and everyone is to stay inside until the raid is over. no, they didn't make us stand in rows or what. in fact i didn't even see the police. maybe just doing some routine checks on those prostitutes at lola.

i feel better but i know it's only temporary.

i've been hit.

i felt insulted. everybody is just such a hypocrite. doing things together do not means co-operation and sharing the rewards together. from what i have seen, doing things together means when you are in charge, no one is going to co-operate with you. when you are not in charge and if you volunteer to help, you are strictly helping but not contributing. they would rather you not help so that the whole project belongs to them. you can help, but you can't show your face to the superior because you are not in charge. if you do so, you are stealing the limelight from everyone. when things really bad happen, don't show your face for you might be involved in certain situation which do not garner you any points. when nothing happens, make something small look big and solve it so that you look powerful. when friends have trouble, do not offer to help. let them continue to rot so that you soar. this is, of course, different when someone is watching. spreading rumours about your competitor is just part of the game. popularity rules. this is just the game of office politics. play it well and up you go.

i felt like i have nothing to do with the world

this week, i question my existence. why am i here? the reason for why human are around are to deep to ponder. i chose to believe we are just packets of energy overlapping. there's no reason why we exist but just because the packets react. why am i here? why am i where i am now? how did i choose this path? i don't know.

"the greatest thing that you will ever learn is to love and be loved in return."

"no, i will not tell you (why i'm so upset)" this is enough to crush my world. do i have to give trust before i can gain some trust? i felt cheated all the time. i felt as if i'm taken for granted all the time. i do not want to be just a puppet for you when you are lonely. all i want is for you to trust. you can tell me all your problems. there's nothing i can do to help but i'm simply willing to listen if it will make you happy. i do not want to be treated like a clown, someone who only give you laughter. i want friends, friends who care and share. and damn it. no one gives a damn about me. i'm going to drink and drown myself in strobe again. lucky i have A, a friend who will always be there. a friend who bother to call and ask "what happen? how are you now? i will accompany you this weekend." no one can understand us.

i'm giving it up. no point. no point pursuing. i might as well be contented with my lifestyle now. i'm born to be like this. no one can change that.

we are living in a country where only results count. results not only determined how well you can do only certain things, it became a gauge of measure of character in our country. in primary four, if you can memorise and regurgitate words from textbooks, you will be streamed into somewhere otherwise known as the gangster stream. it seems like we have forgotten everything else. all we look for is a few As in a piece of paper and that will be enough to tell the whole world what kind of person you are. disgusting. i hate people who come to conclusions about others simply by linking everything to that damn piece of certificate. so what if you ace every single examinations but you are just nothing but a backstabber or a hypocrite?

if i were to say, your ears are the most beautiful part of your body. they have listened to all my problems patiently.

it's pretty hard to think of a gift to someone. darn. everything has to be taken into consideration.

i need to learn to pick myself up from disappointment. it's beginning to hurt and it will continue to hurt. i better learn how to deal with myself before i get into big trouble next time. meanwhile, after much thoughts, i've decided to put in my concentration to work towards the ironman dream. first, i want to get a new bike and it's not cheap.maybe i need to save up for a few months before i'm able to get one. time to do some maths.

all i want for christmas is you....to be happy.

what do you want for christmas?

finally, i got bounced out of lola. "sorry, too young." lol. this might just stopped my streak of club hopping or in fact clubbing. there's no other place i think is as good as lola.

in 48 hours, i slept for 4 hour and party the whole night through, 6 hours.

this is bad. insomnia is setting in.

i have changed alot. she taught me how to take care of myself, physically, emotionally and mentally. she's great.

i had a dream. soon, i will lose something that someone i love trusted me to take care of. i will run around trying to recover it. but everytime i get near to it, it will disappear again. what is it? in the dream, i'm exhausted trying to look for it. will i be able to find it soon?

how do you feel when you received a call at 4am telling you that one of your friends is in the police station? and how do you feel again when another call you at an hour later asking you "do you think i will go to heaven or hell?"? sms at 1am telling me 'life sucks" is way too common. hai~ at least i know she will take care of herself and suicide will be her last choice.

i can't sleep well these days. at 3am sharp i will wake up and will be unable to fall asleep again. even if i do fall asleep, i will wake up every hour. i'm not stressed or what but i don't know why. maybe it's the new radar above my room. i'm going to try what eq has been trying, putting the pillow under the legs instead of under my head. let's see what kind of vivid dreams i can have. i love vivid dreams though sometimes it can be really irritating to me. most people probably know i have the tendency to confuse between dreams and reality. anyway, let's hope i can explore something new.

i passed my final module check and now i'm qualified to control live aircraft under supervision. glad as i might be but this is not even the beginning of what i'm going to experience. now i can start planning for everything, from finance to time. there is no time for me to slack. and now, all i wish for is to be able to get a scholarship to go overseas to pursue my degree.

i'm losing touch with people around me again. why? once again i'm finding it hard to connect to people. i don't know if it's me or my character. is it me who just can't connect to people or is it that people hate my character or find it rather intimidating? it as if i always need someone to push me to get me to connect to people and stop living in my own shell. how i wish i can just use a wire and connect to another person and he/she/it will understand me. i find it so hard to relate to people. somehow somewhat no one just want to listen to me. is it the way i talk? or just the way i can't express myself?

i miss her. really. for a month i have been wondering if she's still attached. i have a sixth sense that she's not but how can i be sure my sixth sense is true? i don't know her really deep but i just know she can really bring out me. that's all it matters. it make me happy. i feel touched all the time when i look at the sms i saved about how she asked me to get a panadol when i simply complained of a headache. how i wish i get to hear that everyday. i wouldn't mind having a spinning head all day just to hear that everyday. now my heart is pounding. suddenly, it's almost sure that she's single now. i don't know what to do. i don't know if i will have a chance. i rather stay silent than to make things awkward for her. is she waiting for me to call? is she just too busy to care about anything else? is she feeling awkward replying sms to me?

i feel like clubbing till dawn this weekend but i don't want to break the promise i've made. how effective is that promise? i'm just hanging on to the promise just because she don't like people to break promises instead of because she don't want to see me drowning in whisky.

girl, i love you so.

Lana: What I don't understand is... you're willing to walk through bullets for me but you're not willing to share what's going inside.



Lana: Clark, if you don't open up to the people that love you, you'll always be alone. I can't believe you want to spend your life like that.



Clark: I may not have a choice.



Lana: You always have a choice.


this conversation is so applicable to me!

you can choose to face it or run away from it. however, running away from it is not an option.

it was a day full of unexpected events.

i'm still coughing when i woke up at 4am to consume my breakfast. pretty light as i forgot to buy my breakfast the previous night. however, i thought i felt better as i actually slept for 6 hours this year compare to the 2 hours of sleep last year. i was feeling good, physically and mentally. at least, this time round i didn't question myself why i'm waking up so early to torture myself. it should be a good day and a sub-2 hour might just be possible, i thought. i bought another bread at a convenience shop at 5am. my diet plan of a meal at pre-2hour and a lighter meal at pre-1hr is going on well. everything is good.

we reached Raffles City at 5:30am and guess what, there are at least 300 people there waiting for the free shuttle service to National Stadium startline. bleah. a walk there might jolly well be faster and better. i'm running out of time to warm up and i know how crucial a warm up is to me. we have a slow jog en route to national stadium. not too bad, still in time for some stretching before we start. although my body is properly warm-up, i didn't do much stretching. laziness and also i don't want to look weird sitting by the road stretching when everybody else is waiting at the startline.

we crossed the startline 5minutes after the gun goes off. was going on with a comfortable pace, trying to get my body warm up and trying to get use to the pace. it's really very crowded. it's pretty hard to do a fixed and individual pace. by the marker 3km, i'm already settled into my own pace, going on very well. i'm enroute to the 1hr 48mins timing.

6km has passed and i'm still on the 1hr 48mins goal to finishline. i was thinking i'm going to fulfill my goal of 1 hr 45mins, or at least the reasonable sub 2-hr finish. however, things is not going to be as fortunate as i wish it will be. at 8th km, i'm beginning to feel very hot. i thought it was normal. but it soon became so hot that my eyes are feeling it as well. it feel like a fever. i try to slow down and let my body cool. no, it's not working. at 10th km, when i poured some water over my head, i shivered. i know this is bad. my body is overheating and the sun is coming up. i told myself i will just carry on with the pace and will pour water frequently over my body to cool it.

at 11th km, i couldn't take it. i grabbed a bottle of 'sportade' and began walking. i was feeling bad. i had just given myself the option to start walking in the race. ok. at least my body is cooling down. i began running again, back to my pace just now. i felt good again but things changed for the worse at 15th km. my hamstring began to feel very tight. i know troubles are coming. at 17km, i simply cramped up. i wobbled before grabbing to a lamp post and stretch for a while. the cramping incidents happened 4times before i realised i couldn't go any faster. i could just maintain at a speed that was so slow that everyone else would overtake me. well, at least i can finish with that speed. a run never feel to terrible before.

at the last km run-up to the finishline, i almost toppled over. i was so excited about crossing the line the i almost forgot i have to take care of cramps. cramped again at 250m to finishline. bleah~ oh well, i did cross the finish line, with a time of 2hrs 10mins. it was simply 3 mins faster than last year timing it was such a eventful one. nah, i will not be taking part in a marathon next year. i guess i'm still not ready. let's see of i can make it to a 1hr 45mins finish next year before i tell myself i'm ready for a 42.195km run.

"If you want to run, run a mile. If you want to experience a different life, run a marathon"

-Emil Zatopek (gold medalist of 5000m, 10,000m and the Marathon in the 1952 Olympics games)

3 more days to my half-marathon. i'm starting my hydration and carbo-loading plans.

well, my ambition was to finish it this year by 1 hr 45 minutes but apparently it might be abit harsh since i was coughing like mad for the past two weeks, so much so that my body aches. didn't even do anything more than 10km for the preparation of this half marathon. so basically a 105minutes finish is a aim and a 120minutes finish is a more realistic aim.

all i need for this half marathon is to get past the first 6km. after that it's going to be ok. i have a tendency to question my decision to run in the first 6km. after that, when the body is warm up, i'm just going to enjoy it!

i promise if i can make it by 1hr 45mins this year, it's going to be a full marathon next year. i simply can't wait to run a full marathon. and after this half marathon, i'm going to concentrade on my swimming. i must improve my timing for biathlon drastically. a 1hr 20mins perhaps? i will set the goal when i feel that i'm ready to set a realistic goal.

up next on my calender next year will be :
1) Navy biathlon
2) Terry fox run
3) Singapore Triathlon
4) Singapore marathon

hopefully i will get to find out more about other activities here and there to add to this four. i need to use these sporting activities to remain as myself. wild partying every weekend is simply not my way of life.

darn. i changed alot after that day. i'm back to myself. she bring me back to who i really am. i simply adore her. and of course, i'm enjoying these changes made to me. haven't been so truly happy for quite a while.

i'm happy today.

i've made a promise to someone i love that i'm not going to let alcohol touch my lips for a month.

i still love somebody.