ultimately, i guess all humans are selfish and self-centered in a way. or rather, i would say, it is now known to me that it will be stupid not to think for yourself. hence, we all work towards selfishness.

it seem like in every situation, we want to work something out to please ourselves first. that sound logical but it seem really selfish that EVERYTHING that we do, we tend to measure the economy of our benefits first. how many times did you help a friend just because he/she needs help? by that, i mean that even the most basic thought of "would he/she cherish more as a friend?" or "would he/she help me back in future?" is not even in the head. just for the sake of the fact that the person needs help.

another note. it seems like human cannot escape the palm of popularity as well. deep down inside, we all want to be vain. we all want some attention. we are all insecure attention-seeking freak in some kinds of way. some may go to the extent of having random superficial friends around while others can want something as simple as looking good. think about it. the "when you look good, you feel good." exactly what is the thing making you feel good when you look good? isn't it the attention? sometimes, we can't help but rejoice when someone on the streets give us a second look. not that kind of oh-that's-a-freak look of course. we can't help but rejoice when someone pick us up in a club.

the thing about all these is, do they really make us happy????

so what if you are selfish and you achieve what you want? so what if you are hot and popular? no doubt, you feel happy. of course you will. i will too. but is that really happiness? well, i guess happiness is when you are all alone in a very quiet place, and you still can smile. and you still can remember your goals and passion. and when you still feel love.

everyone is chasing to be more superior. may it be in wealth or popularity. eventually, there's always someone higher than you and the race never stops. when it stops, you lag behind, and you have to chase harder. a few long training runs and rides make me realised, my passion and my life goal is what makes me truly happy. they are the things that will NEVER FAIL to make me happy and motivated and feel accomplished in life. along the way, i'm glad that i've motivated a few individuals to pick up some sports. i'm glad that they will be taking care of their health.

what is your happiness?

washed my fan at 2am, so that i can have better air when i sleep.

anyway,

does it pay to be good? does it pay to be nice to people?

last night, while having supper at macs, i saw this teenage boy, probably 16yrs old, buying 2 sets of meals. just as when i was wondering why would he eat 2 meals, his elder brother(i assumed) came in, saying "eh, forgot to tell you to take away. they haven't eaten." that young man said, "oh, ok, you give them your burger, i will share mine with you. i'm ok with it." then all the friends rushed into the restuarant suddenly. all young punks. they started to snatch the food awy from that younger boy. he still have the patience to say, "wait, no need to rush." then as he was happily eating his burger, with his french fries all given to the free loaders, one of the free loaders snatched his burger.

does it pay to be good?

over the weekend, the gf and i went out. as we were waiting for seats at the foodcourt, a couple, obviously done with their meal, was balantly oblivious to their surroundings. first, a man was waiting there before us. he walked away. i assume he waited too long and gave up. so i stood nearby and waited. the couple looked at us, then continue to sit there. staring into blank space. not even conversing. if they are conversing, fine. they are just sitting down there. and the worst of all, they will turn their head around occasionally, look at all the people standing around waiting for seats.

halfway through the meal, i wanted to go and buy dessert so that if there were any people (there weren't at that point of time) waiting for seats, they will not be having false hope when they see us finishing our meal. the gf chided me, "you think for others, did people think for you?" she goes on to explain that since there's no one waiting and it's already well past dinner time, chances are there wouldn't be lack of seats.

does it pay to be good?

oh well. maybe you think that we shouldn't follow what others are doing. we should continue to do good.

me and gf had a common friend. the friend whom i have to console at 3am, at 5am. the friend whom the gf has to accompany when she lost hope in everything. the friend whom the gf had to endure LONG distance of walking in her heals, so as to accompany her to get something. because she was down. we gave in. we kept quiet. we did our part as friends. and immediately we did that, she had to call us names. no worry. it's her old habit. so we hinted her, we gave her a black face, we even told her directly that we didn't like that. we asked her, "how would you feel if someone were to do that to you?". of that, she replied, "you guys mind meh? comeon, it's just a joke, you can't take a joke meh?"

so, does it really pay to be nice?!?!?!?!?!?

you tell me.

on a lighter note, i see alot of my friends around me achieving that they wanted. it is what they truly wanted. it is not what the society wanted them to have. they fought, they endured and determination won the day. they achieved what they REALLY wanted.

i admire them in 2 ways. first, they are not afraid to go against the norm. they stood firm on their grounds. second, and the most important, they knew what they wanted.

it led me to think how far i've strayed from what i really wanted. it also reminded me to come back on track. and boy! it does feel good to be back on track.

on the same note, it is very disheartening to see people around you all falling into the trap of money and status. it is very disheartening to see people around you all blinded by money. they worship money for they think with money, alot of things can be done. it is how funny to see a friend who is so addicted to spending and clubbing and all. the very same friend who told me that i should be saving. the very same friend who said, "i've no idea why you like to club so much. it's a waste of money and it is damaging to health." it is also very disheartening to see your friends obsessed over brand. and ironically, the very same friend who told you, " it doesn't matter to me. as long as it is nice and useful, it don't need to be branded." the very same friend now crave for brands. and i have to attribute it to the ease she gets them. her past opinions were mainly affected by the family finances. now, she said she wanted certained branded goods, the bf gets it for her soon.

i have this thing about receiving, even if it is your partner. it feels kinda weird to receive something, especially when it cost so much. i'm always wondering, don't they have any guilt in them for being a free loader? a gift once in a while is fine. it is sincere. but branded goods all the time, every single time that the person wants, he/she gets it. don't he/she feels the guilt?

humans, humans. what is happening to us all?

like i said in the blog intro,

some things can and will still remain unchanged. that, is what make us.

so, what makes you?

or, do you even know?

ever since i started university education, i thought i've fully overcame the problem of expressing myself.

i was wrong.

until recently, i realised that i cannot express myself. and i realised that i cannot get past things that have happened. some people have the luxury of forgetting what happened the next morning. i don't have that. it is a luxury to them because it hurts. bad memories. even though i've forgiven and moved on and all, they still haunt me. for example, people who once backstabbed me. i've forgiven them. i talk to them as per any other people. however, sometimes, halfway through the conversation, it will strike me of the past and i became wary so suddenly. the hurting part is the part where the good and evil fight it out in the brain. pain is too simple a word to describe it.

today, everything snowballed. i've not said certain things in the past because i want to protect her. then i realised that i couldn't simply forget about it. so i thought i will talk about it on some other day. and to my horror, now that i have calmed down and think, these things actually affected me so much on my thought and all. so much so that the very person i try to protect is the person i'm hurting. emotional snowball is crazy.

today, i dropped all the bombs. it's better for her to feel hurt for a day rather than to make her think that everything is over and drop the bomb one fine day. it's like bombing a fairyland. that's even more painful. and i have to admit i lost my patience today. i was trying so hard to explain certain things but i keep getting cut off with "i know i know" when that wasn't even close to what i want to say. i hate it when i got cutoff or when people don't look at me in the eyes when i'm talking.

ultimately, i just want to be appreciated for the things i've done.