i dreamt of a doctor announcing to me that i have brain cancer and doesn't have much days left. i was so afraid. even when i woke up now. even now.suddenly i'm so afraid of dying and i realised that life is so precious. so it actually show. i can't handle death. one of the primary reason why i don't want to take up medicine and be a doctor.

days of insufficient sleep is taking it's toll. i'm tired. nothing to blog about. i'm just looking forward to the trip to the zoo and the big feast after that. haha. all i have to do is to chip in and wash the plates. but i want to help out with the cooking. time for me to learn a thing or two. haha

realised another thing today. i don't know if i mentioned it before.

"never wait for your turn to speak when you're listening. listen with your mind empty except for what you have absorbed."

i have been trying out new things in the factory. even if it's going to be hot and uncomfortable. i'm going to stop working after this week. and because of this, i realised i develop emotions with people too easily. i don't bear to see my colleagues slogging so hard after i left, so i actually promised to stay longer. weak point. there are quiet alot of things for me to do when i stop working.
1) clean up my desk. it has been in that state since the last day of my A levels. and you should see how my table look like when i study for exams.
2) read a book about human behaviour or human instinct or social psychology.
3) read a book on triathlon training AND make notes.
4) train. (esp pull up. it helps in swimming freestyle too.)
5) lose fats and gain lean muscle mass
6) catch up with old buddies.

the aunties at the library was right. she told me not to be bothered to work or do volunteer work in my holidays. she asked me to pursue my own dreams. do things that i never had the time to do. now i realised its so true. anyway i still have some days left before i'm enlisted. so i actually still have the time.

come january, i will be doing the stuff as mentioned above and also maybe get some work at banquets since they don't need me to work everyday.

i miss school. i miss going to college, messing around in school, oogling at girls, having crushes and things like that. i even miss taking notes. one thing i definitely miss is having crushes. i think it's so (don't know what word to use here). i pass by her house today. no feelings. she commit the breach of trust. unforgivable in my eyes. i promised to disappear out of her life but she disappear out of mine sooner than i expect.

"the straits times" life section.
'in transit' by kelvin tong.

i want to throw the mother of all bashes, but after several out-of-control parties, i realise what makes a great party - homecooked food and close friends spending time together.

........in my books, a great party is not defined by caviar and champagne. it is about close friends coming together and spending time together....

....the meal may not be five-star but the effort and sincerity will leave a sweet lingering aftertaste.

*same sentiments. and i have a truly enjoyable (similar) evening with my friends.*

i'm really very, very sleepy. one whole week of insufficient sleep. the maximum was 5hrs and the minimum was 3 hrs. compared that with my minimum of 12hrs per day before i started working.

bleaH!!!!!!
this is happening again. i typed so much thing and just because the server don't work, the things i typed can't be seen on the blog.
hai~

what's with the number 13!??! i keep seeing it or i keep getting associated with it. maybe that's why i have the notion that i'm dying.

i got a job in a factory finally. not that i wish to work in a factory but i finally have a job. now i don't have to waste my time slacking or sleeping at home. it's kind of tiring at the moment. i'm still not used to waking up at 6am and definitely not used to sleeping less than 12hours a day. lol.

however, it's peaceful working in a factory. now i'm a normal man living a very simple life. work, home, sleep. that's all. i overheard a fellow worker in the toilet singing about how one day passed without any big trouble. hmm..that made me ask myself if i want a simple life or a luxury life in the future. now, i'm also thinking about medicine and biotechnology(something which i don't have 100% interest) because these two fields can sort of guarantee a good job. so much so about my future. now all i know is i need to succeed in my pilot interview. it's a back-up plan, though i do admit i wish to be a pilot(but that's not the ultimate aim). the thing is i'm not confident of my A levels. anyway all is done cannot be undone. my favourite qoute from my beloved pri-six teacher.

i doubt i'm going to start talking about her. she's one real good person. not just a good teacher but a good human. i missed her. too bad she has left us. earth is being deprived of good human beings.

oh, btw, i'm no longer sad or pissed or whatsoever. i have been brainwashed. sitting down for at least 8hours a day, grinding food, listening to the same sound the machine makes. it's therapeutic.

oh ya, i'm very excited about those(plural) deja vu(s) i have been experiencing. i swear. it's alot happening within a span of like three days. places i have never been before and i know what's on my left without looking at it. it's cool but it frightening. the most recent deja vu is somewhere in the north and in my dream, i did lotsa destructions to that place. however, that place look brand new. not only deja vu, i have also been experiencing "things" from the past. the kind of feelings i used to get and the kind of thinking i used to have. geez. and guess what. this afternoon, i suddenly have this notion that i'm going to die. i just hope it's a painless death.

(troubles come in packages, don't they? - yk,yao)

i want to run away from home. to a far away place where no one knows me. to lead a simple life in a farm till the day i die. to escape from all the troubles around me. i'm living to await the arrival of my destiny, my death.

LOL. they took a picture of me when i was running the half marathon. www.marathon-photos.com. it's under "singapore marathon" and search for my race number. haha. don't know who's tt guy in blue though.

so my official timing is now 2hr 19mins 19 secs. guess it's due to the fact that i wasn't anywhere near the start line at the start. 357 out of 803 runners. not bad.

collecting race number and t-shirt is such a fun thing to do. imagine 20years later, you will just stumble onto these precious stuff and memories will stir up. hmm..now i have only a terryfox t-shirt and a singapore marathon t-shirt under my collection. and not to forget my '1196' race number. did the number strike in 4-d?

i realised there's something i need to do urgently. tidy my room. it's in such a mess. oh ya. i'm going to try cooking fried rice tmr again. hope it will taste better this time.

woah~nice. just came back from a lonely bike ride in the rain in my neighbourhood. it's challenging to cycle in the rain if you do not own a pair of gloves. first, you have to battle the cold and the water on your spectacles. then, you have to nagivate in a totally different style when in the dry. i was just moving aroud the neighbourhood. just don't want to come home and start thinking about things. i had lotsa fun cycling through pillars under HDB flats in god-knows-where place. i love this kind of feeling. going to some places alone and get yourself lost. think about the things while you are lost and start a new life when you find your way out.

i wonder what those people in my class are doing this holidays. they don't go out(at least not with me) and they don't seem to enjoy company with the class. hmm....nvm..their business. i hope my class chalet is not going to be boring. i will try my best to make it fun.

hai..i need to start learning how to phrase my thinkings in a more proper way. i'm too lazy to argue with people who even got my last blog wrongly. oh. i thought of something just now. whenever your friend is down, it's definitely not a time to be curious and start asking. i always have this style of doing things when my friends are feeling down but i'm not sure if it really works. i just sit down n stay silent. i'm saying these from personal experience. the last thing i want is to explain things over and over again. wouldn't it make me more sad? i think i still need time before i stop this habit of going into seclusion to solve my own problems.

when will i ever get my own timetrial bike and my own car..............

these days. phrases like "aw..i know how it feels", "i emphatise. i've been through that stage" really really piss me off. god made all of us unique and different. you never really understand anyone, especially when he or she is at the low point of he/her life. someone talks to you doesn't means that that someone needs you to understand him/her. another thing i don't really like is that people started blabbering about their own things once your conversation reach his/her interest. i learn this from the 'gilmore girls', a show that i say i watch and get funny looks.

(not the exact words)
rory : see..there you go again. talking about your own dreams when i'm talking about mine

sometimes i wonder if i were pretending to be happy or am i really happy when i'm with my buddies. the smile i sport and the laughter i had. are they really from the heart? i must say that when we are together, laughing and talking, i didn't think of things that make me sad but when the topic get to somewhere which can relate to those sad things, i will quieten down suddenly.

i need to go out to calm myself but where can i go? there's no place i can think of. hope i will wake up early tmr to go cycling. i miss cycling. however, i'm not sleepy at all at night. i definitely don't want to spend the night alone in my room.

i wish people will stop talking to me about relationship or crushes alike. i'm really too sick to listen to all these crap. who will listen to me? it's been so serious that i do not know how to tell people about my troubles. there seem to be no one whom i can pour my heart out to.

maybe i'm going to stop blogging for a while. all i will be typing will be just bitchings and bitchings. btw, people around me, stop asking me if i'm fine and shit like that. it doesn't earn points for you in my eyes. it simply make me feel sad, or for the matter of facts, piss me off. just be normal. sometimes i wonder why i always stand by people quietly when they are down but no one stand by me.

avoidant


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i have never feel so miserable before. i had to sms like so many people at 2am just because i don't want to be alone and start thinking about things. i didn't call. i don't want to wake people up from their sleep. fortunately nikki sleep late and christie woke up and can't go back to sleep, and i have two girls to chat with me back to back from 3 to 7am. i shouldn't be upset. i'm not upset anyway. i'm pissed. that bastard. to think i started thinking he's such a nice guy and i'm wrong about him all along. the way he sms me make him the victim and his words just keep on boasting about how nice they are together. you know, like saying, "ha! i've got her. what can you do? now im just going to make you disappear" kinda thing. i asked him politely to stop but he just feel good continuing. lucky bastard. luckily nikki called right at that time when i was dialling your number. FUCK OFF you bastard.

today is a nice day. i actually cooked my own meal. lol. and i actually know how to operate the washing machine. geez. but i still feel miserable. i hope i will be much better going with my buddies later. and i hope that i'm home alone tonight again. i need peace another night to calm myself down.

frankly, i didn't know i will tell the things to the two girls. especially chris. whenever it comes to such affairs of the heart i prefer to talk to neutral girls. guys...hmm...let's just say that the way most guys listen and solve your problems isn't as good as the girls. anyway, it was nice talking to chris. nice lady.

it's ironic to tell you this. i don't trust the world and yet i trust people easily. what i mean? i trust that whatever you can say out of your mouth will be true but i don't entirely trust people to tell them my emotions, my feelings. i'm somebody who believe that the deepest wound will be the one done to the inner self. so i must protect my inner self.

anyway, i think i mature alot after the incident.

so i was right. grace doesn't know how to reject people and insult people straight in the face. her bf just sms me, asking me to stop bothering her. everytime i ask her she say it's not bother. since now it's clear that i'm bothering, why hold on? why make people i care for feel so bad?i've never feel so empty in my life before. what can i do? so my intuition was right anyway. i saw this girl running and then disappear and i got the hint that she's getting away from me and i'm never going to see her again.

*highlights of my halfmarathon run*

first and foremost, many thanks to skg who went to the start with me and stayed till i finished. thanks.

i was pretty worried before the big day actually arrive. my training programme wasn't consistent due to examinations and i just recovered from the flu and cough on monday. that aside. it was definitely nerve-breaking waiting for the day to arrive. i was supposed to sleep at 9pm the night before and i ended up online and then preparing my bag till 1:30am. well, with only 1 hr 30mins of sleep, i was surprise that i wasn't at least tired. thanks to the adrenaline.

we arrived at the start line at 5am. too early.we just hang around and we chit chatted so as to make me calm. by 5:30, i decided to do my warm-up but i hesitated as i don't want to be the only weirdo running around the stadium. wonder why those people just need a stretch instead of a proper warm-up. i started it anyway and i guess many people were just thinking the same way as i do. more people soon started to jog around the stadium.

there's only one thing i want to complain. why do the organisers lock up most of the toilet and let us queue for so long. i was already cooled down by the time i answered my call of nature. wonder how will those people with stomachache deal with it. no choice. baggage collection time is almost there. i got no more time to jog again. so i just applied some deep heat, checked in my bag and do some stretching alone. skg left for his breakfast after i checked in my bag.

there i crossed the startline. running under my pace according to the perceived exertion scale(pes). i was pacing this guy whom i called "bill gates" because he look like him from the side. however by the 2km mark i realised i need up my pace. so off i go, alone on my quest. by the 5km mark, my watch read 30mins. i'm still in pace of 6mins/km. i'm upping my pace since PES tell me i can go abit harder. this time, i'm holding to the bottle of water till i reach the next water station. if not, i'm going to feel good at water stations but bad again when i left the station.

10km mark. 1hr. still in the 6mins/km. but now i'm really hungry and i can barely lift my knee. i need sugar. thank god i only struggle 1km before i realised they do give out 'sportade' drinks. from 11km to 15km i actually pace some guy who look as though he's an experienced runner. it was a nice pace.i lift my hind leg and drive my knee high. we really push each other whenever the one is slowing down. this is what i like about running in such a crowd. this is what all runners want.

btw, many people will think and some asked me : "why are you paying so much money just to torture yourself?" my answer will be the same as all runners. pay the money and you will know why. who knows, you may start paying more. skg regretted not taking part. what can i say?

met a ex-vs guy, suan. a triathlete too. he sort of prevented me from clocking a sub-2hr finish as he want company to talk with him. we saw this girl who look as though she fainted. she was lying in another ladies arm and everyone was shouting for her. i hope i don't look selfish for not rushing there. i just thought that what's the use of everyone standing there but no one getting the medics. i just rush forward hoping to get some attention.

2hr 13mins. i can barely stand up when i passed the finish chute. finish the half marathon and getting the finisher medal are something really emotional. my knees and ankles are in so much pain that i had a hard time walking around. anyway, the massage was really helpful. guess it really clear the lactic acid away. and i've got this big red blister on my toe. guess i got it cause my socks were wet from my sweats and all the water and 'sportade'.

i'm sure ready to pay to torture myself again. too bad there isn't a 3/4 marathon. if not that will be my aim next year. join in the fun man. you will love the culture.

i'm sorry grace. i should have trusted you instead of doing some stupid things. however, the suspicion will of course be there after i didn't keep in contact with you for so long and things occur so suddenly. geez. guess i don't have the 100% feeling in you anymore. like i always say, when there's no trust, theres nothing.

i really miss you. please keep your promise that you will tell me if there's anything in your life that makes you feel sad.i just want to share the burden. to think i actually suspect you. geez. this is bad. i need time to think through things again.

this is the second time i actually cry because of you. i need to be strong.

*half marathon highlights : i will type it tmr. i'm too tired to recall the things.*

ms ho's wedding reception really make me think about how different infatuation and love are. i see that quite a number of people around me seem(in my opinion from the little i observe) to be having a relationship for the sake of ego, companionship and for the sake of being 'with' the rest. geez. i shouldn't start talking about differences about love and infatuation. i'm still immature to talk about it.

yeah.

21.1km in 2hrs 13mins.

i'm dead tired now, after sleeping for 5hrs. it was a good run. met and now knew a ex-VS guy who's also a triathlete. my knee and ankle hurts like hell. i needa ice them. anyway stay tuned for the the highlights of the run from my point of view.

home alone is playing on channel 5 now. home alone is also playing right now, in my house. haha. come monday night, after my brother book in for camp, i will be really home alone. bring it on baby.

i feel kind of sad when i sad down at BK alone this afternoon. the lady who served me was pretty old. she didn't look happy. she looked as though she's suffering alot. oh well. it's obvious. she's so old and yet she has to stand there all day to work. i can tell that she's very stressed out. money problems at home obviously. i swear that when i grow up, none of the people in my whole family will pull that long face.

there's another thing. the maid have to feed the little boy who refused to open his mouth. the maid have to make sure the boy is full before she can eat the leftover. at first i thought her madam is so nice to get her a meal. hai~ it's only for her own kids. aren't maid humans? i can't stand the sight of people bringing their maid out and make them dress so shabbily. at least, give them a proper meal. they have to carry so many things and they have to run around chasing after your children. if i'm ever rich, i will not employ a maid. i will call it a household chores helper. another thing i really hate is people bring their parents out so that they can shop and enjoy while the grandparents have to look after the children. geez. can't stand things i see on streets sometimes.

i'm doing my carb-loading now. simply eating and eating carbohydrates now. i have to wake up at 3am to eat rice with bake beans and perhaps some fish. i have to sleep early tonight but it seems like i'm too awake.

2 more days to my half marathon. my taper week was gone just because i had a flu. physically i'm confident of surviving the 21km, but mentally, i'm afraid that i will give up. it's always like that, even for the case of professional athletes. it's hard to complete a endurance event if you haven't been running much. better read some of my training logs, notes i've made for me to read before the 21km and to read the 'triathlete' magazine. that magazine will give me the boost to run.

my temper is very bad today. i'm not in good mood. things are beginning to fall apart again. i planned to go down to east coast park to listen to the waves but darn rain stopped me. i lie on my bed and think about stuff till i fell asleep. i'm someone who always let my brain rules over my heart but not in the case when she's on my mind. i don't want to mention her name again.

it's so boring at home. there's nothing for me to do and no one to talk to. i'm leaving for the marathon expo to collect my race number and walk around town maybe. first and foremost, i need to eat.

those guys at 'amazing race' are amazing. they manage to find their way around singapore. sometimes even my dad get lost. i think amazing race is really fun. you get to see the real side of your partner. flo's really bad. first she gave up then she scream and scream. btw(no offence though), i just realised it's women nature to bitch and bitch. this is what you observe after seeing how a group of girls talk.

this is cool. i love those pics on sunrise i took. it's cool. watching the sky being consumed by the fireball. frankly, this is my first time seeing a full sunrise. full as in from total darkness to brightness.

water calms me down. i need to find a place with flowing water and no other human in sight when i'm in serious thought. this morning after spending so long alone in the pool at Ritz, i came up with ten good reasons why i shouldn't be stubborn with grace.

how i wish i can stay at ritz carlton forever. the only condition will be i want to stay in the room alone instead of with 10 guys. you should check out the difference between the state of our room and the state of the girls' room next door.

prom wasn't fantastic. so is the party at 'lox' we went. i don't like house music. then again, the bartenders were co-operative with my drinks. haha. so much so that i can actually fell asleep while watching people playing pool. all the way till the pub close.

i think i'm not going to sleep now. tonight's 'amazing race' 2-hour singapore special is a must-watch. i don't want to miss it.

its been 30hrs (and still counting) since i last lied/sat on my bed. new record. my 24hr of sleep still stands.(i woke up occasionally for bathroom breaks and to drink water.)

darn cough and flu. i'm feeling so terrible now. i was thinking, if not for all the training i planned to do, i wouldn't even take care of my own body. i realised that since i started training for the triathlon, i know how to take care of myself better. that include nutrition, sleep and social life. now i just wish that i will be okay by tomorrow. i don't want to be another mysterious case of death while running.

don't you hate people who judges? i hate those people who judge and pass the judgement to others right smack in your face even more. i hate it when people come up to me and say "oh..so and so told me that you are whatever". i'm sure all of us have our own way of expressing ourselves to others. we don't need any smart kids to convey these messages. why am i so uptight about such things? because i have been in situation when someone interrupted and said "he can't do it. he haven't done it before" before i was about to say "i have not done it before. i would love to try."

" the single, most important muscle is the mind "

" if you can steel your heart and nerves and sinews to serve their time long after they are gone, and still hold on when there is nothing in you, except the will that says to you, 'hold on!' "