ok. so i typed a long post to vent my frustrations. in order to prevent quarrels and all, and also to prevent myself from feeling tt way again in the future, i've deleted it.

some keypoints.

i think this world has too many selfish and self-centered people

it takes me just an appreciation of effort to make me wanna try harder.

i hate people who blackface me when i try to make their day better.

i hate people who don't smile or acknowledge you when u smile at them.

i think i have been a yes-man and i'm going to stop being like that.

i realised i'm more patient than i thought i can be.

alright, gotta admit im feeling a little depressed now. maybe not to the extent of depress but maybe just extremely tired and moody. i've come to realise that if im awake at such wee hours of 3am doing work, i always feel very depressed. then again, if im just lazing around, i will feel the same. hai. cant wait for this semester to get over and start afresh. how weird that the distraction at the start of the semester which is causing the whole domino effect is the very reason why im super motivated now. motivated but at the sight of the old mess i've created in the past make me depressed.

i hate it when i can't make use of what i have left. this is the very thing i always teach pple around me. y can't i do it? i don't know if i have no strength to do it or if i'm just giving up because i know i'm not getting the desired outcome. the thought of a burden with u drag u down, totally!

maybe i should just listen to my inner voice. since you are so sad and all now, no point hanging on. just go and have a good rest and start afresh tmr. yes. i want to wake up early tmr and start the battle. i have been waking up very early ( or rather, i meant not sleeping much) and i don't feel tired the entire day. or rather, i felt very motivated and productive. yes, i shall do just that.

btw, i felt strong today. overcame temptations to go out for a movie. instead, i went for a good training ride and do my work too. on a sunday! the whole story goes like this. friends called for movie in the evening. they ask gf to go along too. so i called her and discussed with her the situation. realised that it will be better time management for me to stay and do work and thus, the decision. when i was relaying the decision to friends, they were telling me things like i ought to go out and unwind, that i will also take a break if i stay in hostel and so might as well take a break in movie and at the same time keep in touch. a few months ago, i will scumble to such peer pressure. today, i felt proud that i manage to tell them no means no. and i gave a whole list of reason. part of the strength come from within me, part of the strength come from her. i like it when she serve as a reminder of who i am. and i'm glad to see myself back to the path of my long-time-ago, the me who was motivated and diligent. the me who stood firm on my beliefs. the me who is what i am supposed to me.

welcome back, me.

i think i'm still hiding. as much as i've opened up alot of things (almost all), there are still things which i don't feel like saying. i don't really feel much pain bottling them up because i know the solutions to the problem. but i guess i will feel much better if i can spill it. how? i don't know. i just realised the reasons why i prefer to keep it to myself is

1) i don't want to upset the people who care about me.
2) i don't like the shocked "what?!?!??!" reaction. i hate that. i hate it when i had a pristine image and now i have to hide things to keep it. admit it. people are judgemental. things will change when my image change.
3) i don't like the "see..last time told you liao you don't want to listen". i had very much trouble dealing this issue with parents. it's finally over so i don't wan to deal with it again.

i'm calm. i'm alright. how come i can always bring myself to listen to people without judgemental eyes but no one can listen to me in the same way? don't say i didn't even try. it must have been something that you have said or done to make me think that you are judgemental, as minimal as it can get. nvm. i shall stick to the "i'm no longer hiding but there are just some secrets that are meant to be brought into your grave".

don't you have such a secret?

each of us have a certain amount of time. some view it as 24hours per day but i view it as our lifetime. 24hrs is just a notion to keep yourself in check for the things you need to accomplish. if you keep your big goal in mind, you don't need 24hrs. everyday is just a macro process towards that big goal. i have no idea what my big goal is but i shall follow what is given to me. i shall not dream about what i cannot achieve neither shall i assume that all things will fall from heaven.

so, back to our limitation. time is fixed and the number of things in our lives just get more and more. first we have to learn the basics of life, walking and eating etc. then we have school. then our school gets longer, workload heavier. then we have friends. then we have career. then we have spouse. then we have kids. how do we allocate time for all? it is all about taking the right amout of time away from the right source. we can't take time away from family so that we can have friends. that's wrong. we can take time away from all the bumming around and vices so that we can add more things. soon, our lives get more and more packed. we become more and more fulfilling. and that's how they always say adults know more. it is true.

personally, i've done that. i've stopped my vices (clubbing and chill out). in substitute, i have my gf and training and school work all sorted out. it's amazing how minute amount of time those vices seem to take away from me but it works out to be a huge amount of time when it's translated to something useful.

life's a long journey. if we are perpetually thinking of "are we there yet?" just like how little kids ask their parents on a road trip, we will constantly find ourselves irritated with life and such. on a road trip, look ahead only and you will see a long treacherous journey. look back, and you see the things left behind and yet you can't turn back, for your journey might take even longer. watch tv or read magazines on the car, and you realised that soon, you feel carsick. look to the side, you see lots of interesting things that is always changing. soon, you start to see landmarks which signifies the juxtaposition of your destination. learn to make the journey an interesting one.

i'm just a little puzzled by the concept of time.

what will we be without time? scientifically, time has enabled us to achieve alot of things. time is one of the seven basic quatities of science. without time, will we be where we are?

did we (or rather, the person) invent time for the sake of trapping ourselves? was time invented so that we will know exactly how long before something will happen? so that we can expect what's next? did we invent time so that we can talk about history? did we invent time so that we know when we die, how long we have lived?

if life were measured in the things you do, how old would you be?

i had a very frightening thought today.

i thought, if my loved ones ain't around, i wouldn't be grieving for a long time. maybe it's the rational side of me to know that grieving wouldn't help. maybe it's the spiritual side of me to know they are with God. maybe i'm just heartless.

maybe i'm just used to being alone all the while. maybe i'm too proud of myself. maybe.

still, i cherish everyone.

couldn't sleep due to noseblock. did a hell lot of thinking about myself and how i should move in near future. my faith is holding me strong now. let it build a stronger me.