i am still a loner. at times.

this is very hard to convey to people around me (who is not like me) but i just want to be alone sometimes. this may explain all my hobbies. running, cycling, swimming, fishing. i totally enjoy being alone. it give me time to think. it give me a break from everything. and sometimes, i just want to lie down and think the whole day. i just want to walk around my house in circles and plan the whole day. but why is it so difficult? people ask me what i'm going to do. i cant possibly say i want to be alone at home the whole day. people say i'm crazy when i say i just stayed at home when i'm on leave. weird.

ever since i've started working, this alone time has decreased dramatically. so, when i'm free sometimes, i would really love to just be alone and do my own things. sometimes i feel that obligations are drowning me. and when i don't get that alone time, depression sets in. its like a medicine i have to take once in a while. the interesting thing about this is that, i'm perfectly fine if anybody want to be alone with me. i just don't want the obligations that i have to keep anyone company, i don't have to answer your questions, i don't have to adjust to anyone's timing. i can sleep all day and suddenly boom! i felt like it and go!

as we grow older, we find less time belonging to us. obligation may sound rather rude but it is the case. we are obligated to be with family, we are obligated to socialise. yes, sometimes, the attendance to these events may come from the heart but at times when i don't feel like doing, and i can't just put it straight across

"i'm sorry, i just don't feel like having dinner with you. i just want to be alone. no, no, i'm not depressed or troubled. i just want to be alone"

tell me, who is not going to give me a weird stare?


and one thing i've learnt today, never bottom things up. it will just explode. it exploded today and amazingly, i was fuming when it exploded. 2 hrs later, i felt totally light and happy. it is out of me.

i hate it when people give me contradicting signals. all my life. when i was young, my mum say i can do certain things. and i did it. only to hear naggings and scolding. if you don't want me to do it, just say so. don't agree and later torture me with those things.

i'm too straightforward. it is always a yes or a no. if it is a no, and you want it to be a yes, don't let me know that it is actually a no. don't play emotions on me. i can't take it. or should i say, it doesnt work on me. it only serve to confuse me.

and the emptiness echo-ed from within.


somethings never change. after so long, whenever i'm rather distracted by things, the sequence of event will follow like a timetable.

i will lose interest in everything. just want to sleep everyday.

then, i will stop that. and try to find activities that keep me occupied. most of the times, having some friends of convenience helps.

next, i will shut out from the rest of the world. just lie on the bed, look into the sky all day and think. i personally find this stage the hardest to explain to the world.

and finally, everything resume. on a higher note.



the uncertainty of a certain career prospect is killing me. so much so that at times i felt like giving up.

it's time for me to go fishing or some long training rides/runs.