a cool quiet night is definitely very good for thinking. (insomnia hit me once again.)

i drew up my resolutions for 2009. more or less the same thing. religion, money, knowledge, fitness. enough said.

and then, to further convince that i shouldn't pick up the habit of clubbing again, i went back to the books and dig out some figures. very scary figures.

based on the recorded transaction, which does not include cash transaction, i spent a grand total of

SGD$10,000 on clubbing in 2007 and 2008!

im truly disgusted by myself. how much could this 10k have been put to better use?????

to put it in perspective, lets dig more figures.

on average, i spent $50 a week on food. not including meals bought by my mum or food from home. so 10k can feed me for 200 weeks! that's about 3years and 11 months!

OMG!

each packet of chicken rice cost $2.50. so 10k is actually 4000packets of chicken rice. if i were to eat 2 packets a day, it would feed me for 2000days! that would feed me for 5years and 6 months!!!!!!!

OMG!

my phonebill cost about $60 a month. so 10k could pay my bills for 167months! that's 14years!!!!

OMG!

my insurance premium now cost about 300. so 10k could insure me for 33 months! that's about 2years and 8 months!!!

OMG!!

on average, a jug of alcohol with mixer, which is what i normally drink, cost $40. each jug get 4 shots of hard liqour. each shot is 35ml. so 10k is actually 250 jugs, which is 1000 shots, which is 35litre of hard liqour!

OMG!

i spent about 100 on transport (bus and trains that is) each month. 10k can bring me around for 100 months! that's 8years and 4 months!

OMG!

and i spent about 50 on each pond fishing trip. so 10k can actually allow me to fish for 200 months! 16years and 8 months!

OMG!


i'm truly disgusted by myself and very convinced that i will not walk back there again. friends who are falling into the same trap, start keep tabs of all your dirty habits!

just had a scary revelation.

all my life, i've never really work towards my future. all the good grades from pri sch to jc were just nothing but some ego boost. just wanted to be at the top. maybe that is why i feel empty going into university.

to think of it, in my sec sch, i never really aspire to go to vjc. it was more or less like a confirm thing. the only time i strive hard is during cca, where i was a super achiever. after tt, that same thing, that same competition no longer drive me. it became just a process.

in jc, i never thought of working hard for university. it was another confirm thing. trying to get a scholarship is the same. maybe that's the very reason why i didnt get any eventually. one thing i'm sure. i did not get any scholarship not because of my ability, it was my grades that didnt land me in the interview room.

sometimes, i think my life is so smoothsailing that i wonder how the rumble of the world is like. as much as it is, im not going to wish that my life will tumble this very moment. i already had experience on how dangerous my wish can get. God was that good to me. he granted every of my wish.

maybe i should start tapping into how much i am. maybe then i will strive for more. no. then, i will strive for more. i only strive after i realised how much i can be. i never strive to be how much i cant be.

first saturday of the year.

no hangover, no guilt. it was a good saturday! other than the fact i missed my ride just because of the most stupid excuse. "i will wait for the nutella to melt into a more spreadable state before having breakfast. meanwhile, i will lie down for a while."

i think i've almost gotten over the addiction of clubbing and alcohol, or simply known as alcoholism. i no longer crave for such any more, except the occasional glass of wine in a completely quiet environment. happiness do not necessarily come along with laughters and euphoria. that's something i've learnt. after so long. at the very same time, i wonder if i've completely gotten over that phase. i was just kinda lucky that all my weekends have been filled thus far. and pockets emptied. maybe i should congratulate myself for the nagging words behind my brain have been health, fitness, and performance. not forgetting that ego bruise when my friend got a 5th in the age group in 2008 osim. never thought that such a side of alpha-male resides in me but ya, it got me all fired up wanting to beat him this coming year. now i wish this inferno can burn the sloth away.

maybe all these are part of growing up. if so, i would have been shuttling between an old man and a toddler.

maybe its when i have realised i'm really at the bottom when i look around my peers. reminiscing the days when i was the top of the cohort.

maybe that was the danger of being high up.

maybe that was a advantage of falling from being high up.

resilience.

a brand new year. have no idea what to plan for myself for the year. suddenly everything seem so surreal. the burden is finally off my shoulders. i'm going back to the workforce very soon. i'm moving back home permanently soon. perhaps it is all these thoughts that bring me to a loss. and the loss is making me running away from reality.

maybe it is the fact that i have been having diarrhoea for 2 whole days. and it is still like peeing from the wrong hole. damn. too much toxic during the week of christmas and now i'm paying for it in the week of new year. how boring. i haven been wanting to socialise. just wanna stay at home and just waste the day away. in the day or evening when family is around, i just feel so sleepy. i deduced that it isn't due to the medicine because now that they are all asleep, i feel so active. my thoughts are running. stomach's running too though. damn.

2009's resolutions are gonna be the same as 2008. old habits are hard to kick. but at least i managed to eliminate one already. or so i think. i no longer club. no longer feel like clubbing. maybe for 2009 i shall just add in weight loss program to have a more specific goal to work towards to. i did train for my triathlon as per 2008's resolutions and indeed completed it. but my weight increase steadily through the year. haha.

shall attempt to tidy up my place, in an attempt to find a motivation to bring me through the year. hopefully i do find the time. a report due in 5 days and i have not given a thought about it at all. hai. what a start, what a start!