so, what's wrong with being helpful? anything wrong with helping someone with something that is totally out of your job scope? or are you one of the pain-in-the-ass who deem this is boot-licking? or is asking and clarifying things bootlicking to you too? god damn it. in that case, go ahead and live in your tiny world. i sought to improve, all the time. and as i improve, it doesn't mean i breath down on others. it mean that there's more that i can do, i can help. so stop being irritating. and stop being jealous whenever someone is being praised, even in the field where you totally have no interest in. no one get jealous of you. in fact, your friends are pretty much happy when you achieved. that is if you still treat them as friends, you better do, asshole!

start believing in inter-dependence.

stop living in the world of unknown. stop thinking that you have quite abit of knowledge that is enough to make a difference. you are just a small fry. get your job right, be humble and you will progress. if not, you can live in your own paradigm and be a small fry all you want. a leader knows and been through what his subordinates went through. stop being a child and whine all the time. do something.

start believing that the world is much bigger than what you believe.

and yes, stop thinking you can shrink all responsibilities. don't think you know the system too well to make use of it. you never know what people are saying, what people are seeing. we have eyes and we have ears. facts are presented right in front of us. if you go to work each day planning when to take a break or how to leave on the dot, wake up. go find a new job. try pushing all responsibilities to others in this time of peace. next, try asking for help when you really need one. get your mum to tell you the story of the boy who cried 'wolf'. and just a little reminder, friends do not have age barriers. it's the respect as friends that counts. if you want to be respected just because of your age, ask yourself, have you given others theirs?

at least, i smile to my friends with honesty and i go to the bank each month, with pride.

a true leader never boast.

a true winner never brag.

a true lover never claim.

a true friend never leave.

how true are we?

i've never felt guilty about spending money like this each weekend. until that day, when it struck me that a certain date is drawing near and i can't do no shit about it cause i didn't even cater for it in my budget! i spent my money each weekend fooling around and now it hit me hard. finally. i felt kinda useless. initially i thought my love for sports will be enough to make me save up for a new bike. i was wrong. the love there wasn't strong enough.

as long as i can't give you the best, i will not push.

it's impossible for me to get a decent bike within my budget of 1k excluding the assessories.in any case, i will continue to evaluate if it will be worthy for me to get one. next year Osim triathlon will be one big push factor. i have exactly one month to 5th Dec. this should be the taper month based on my planning which i've done in July. however, i only started training seriously this week. if not for giving in to peer pressure to go clubbing which i totally didn't enjoy, i would have been a little bit stronger today, rather than to give up at the 10km mark. damn it. as i've swore earlier on, Nov is a strictly-no-alcohol month. i don't want whatever happen last year to happen again.

things to look forward to
1) trip to Bintan resort
2) getting stronger and faster. (at least i still have my basics)
3) my new running jersey ( i wasted so much money on clubbing that i don't even have enough left for shopping)
4) ATA interview!

i'm improving!

that's as far as i'm looking so far. one should never look too far forward before tripping on the pebble at one's feet. a 15minutes walk today make me realised that i've matured and learnt so much in these 3 months. i've grown. i've become stronger. so many things happened. i'm sure they are not going to happen again though. i've learn to react, that's what i'm best at (used to i meant). then again, i shouldn't be reactive. i should push things in the direction i want it to be.

and i'm sick of always giving in. if it's the first time you misunderstand me, it's alright. i give in. i'm weird and not easy to understand. however, if you just want to keep on dwelling on the same subject, telling me that "i understand......" all the time, then forget it. you can look at me with your favourite tinted glasses. it doesn't matter to me.

but let me advise you, beware of me. i treat friends very differently from 'others'. and the trick is, it's easy to be my friend. but don't push it too far.

you will learn someday.

when i sleep,

you whisper in my ears, telling me everything is ok.
you hold my hands, bringing me to the world of love.
you pat my back, assuring me that the sky is blue.
you sleep in my arms, smiling back at me.
you run with me, to a place when no troubles reside.
you kiss me, saying that you love me too.

but for now, dream is all i can. where are you?

i promise, if the day is to come,
no matter if the sky ain't blue,
no matter if the path is tough,
no matter if the obstacles are difficult,
i will hold you close and tell you
i love you.

for i will be strong,
when you are around.

and i swear,
you will be everything.
you will be smiling.
you will be happy.
you will be loved.

i've never seen anything sweeter than that.

for that, i will live happily. i've lost my reliance. i'm not going to be dependent although i can. move on. be happy. smile. all i can do is to confuse you less.

be great.

when it rains, it pours. a rainbow always appear after that.

how true.

i'm good!!!!

pride.

a very strong motivational tool. it is pride that is going to get me started on some hellish training programme. i can't take it. did a 6km time trial today. people i used to beat flat is at least 2minutes ahead of me. what is this? and i have to tell myself, "for pride, vomit if you need to, faint if you need to, catch the guy in front. he used to be far behind you, damn it!"

i'm going to start training again.

the thirst is back.

let's try this. optimism.

instead of feeling sick of telling myself things are going to be ok, i woke up, tell myself, i'm going to make things good. things will be good.

and guess what, wednesday, things went on smoothly. thursday, it's good. i've got to keep this up man!

and to all, thanks for all those short messages. i appreciated it. thanks. "of course they all care about you" she's right. people around me do care about me. thanks all. i've never felt so thankful before.

since my mental health is on it's way to recovery, it's time to get a little physical. girls ain't no like man with flabby stomach. get some crunches done dude!

have you ever felt hopeless before?

sunday night, i can't sleep. things flashed in my mind, bad things. big bad things.

monday afternoon, i was almost sacked.

tuesday morning, i knew it's gone.

god knows what will happen next. if HE knows, will he help me? i'm sick of waking up every morning telling myself everything is going to be ok. i'm sick of being alone. i'm sick of being pushed around. i'm sick of everything. i'm going to take a long leave and hide somewhere for a week. hopefully i will come back awake. this is no fairy tale i must tell myself.

i must escape before i break.

this will be the last hope for me to stay out of depression. i hate depression but i can't help it. things just don't go right the moment it's gone.

all the best~

nothing can beat the depression of a young single mother. she stood behind the crowd and kept very quiet. she smiled and shook her head. from the eyes, you know there's something troubling her. she pulled her best friend away and god, it took them ages to come back. they don't look fine. you didn't know what happened and so the party goes.

i can't help but feel so sad for them. maybe they are not sad at all but i think they will have alot to think about for their future. at least from what i know from A previously, everything is what she's willing to give up. at only a quarter of a century old, they have to stop living for themselves when we are all still pursuing our dreams and ambition. what dreams do they have? none. they have nightmares. how scary it is to be in a midst of fun, looking through photographs, and "who's this cute baby?"

"it's my son".

if you think you need courage to accept that, she probably need much more to say that.

this world is really unfair.

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

2. Saturday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

3. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

4. Crying is blackmail.

5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

10. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls,don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

11. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

13. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

15. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

16. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

17. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

18. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

19. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

21. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

22. You have enough clothes.

23. You have too many shoes.

24. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

25. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

darn. i'm a happy man. way too happy. day in day out, i would just go "it's alright, i'm in good mood", "i'm in good mood. let me do it for you!"

why am i in such a good mood? i wonder why? maybe it's a post-depression kind of thing. i once reminded myself to tell all my adversaries, "don't ever let me fall hard. i will climb back so fast that you will be shock." maybe it's just me. i've learnt to give up. alot of things. i know i don't want to but i told myself to give up. when your expectations are zero, even a tiny puny one makes you happy. don't be aimless though.

i've been giving up on alot of things. just gave up on all high standards i set for myself. just gave her up. i realised. she's too precious to take the risk. it really make me a weakling but i need her to be around in my life, even it's just plain hi-bye friend. it helps. oh, btw, for those wondering how did i recover, it's just a insignificant 10minutes phone call. the graph began its upward curve the moment she pick up her phone. don't worry,i can't believe this too.

today, i learnt the news that i have a chance to get a overseas study award. good things just come my way if i keep my smile all day long man! 2 weeks ago, i will say i will go no matter what. today, a thought strike my mind. what if i lose contact with her during this 4years? what if i can give it one last shot? what if? so many what ifs. it all revolves around her. today, if she's the one holding my hand everynight and tell me that everything is ok, i might have just settled down with some local university. sucks. she doesn't respond to emails neither does she reply letters. if i really get to go, how am i going to keep in touch with her? damn it. i will think about it. maybe i'm going to edit this paragraph when i meet someone new. hopefully i meet and hopefully i change. pray for me, the latter more.

live today.