we are now so connected to each other that we hardly spend time with ourselves.

communications made so simple that it complicate things.

had a lot of self-discovery lately. all triggered by the simple thought that i've changed much over the years. i've lost a few principles in the process of achieving some shortage that i needed much when i was younger. and now, i just have to find them back. and my life will be all balanced again.

and of course, finding myself back is such a happy thing.

to know that i was, am a good man.

our body is merely a physical being to take us to our destination.

this, coming from someone who is sick for more than a week already. the week of illness really made me realised how important the body is to me. without it, i can literally do nothing. or rather, i can't do everything. work took a plunge. fitness definitely plunge. with only a congratulatory note of a 2.5kg weight loss. now, i've learnt to feed it with the right nutrients and give it a proper system rest everyday. and of coz, to nourish the mind each day. with the recovery in sight, i'm more motivated now to keep it in good shape. figuratively or literally. i've been in a round shape for too long. or maybe i'm just getting vain.

today, i've thought through the things i want to achieve at work. either i'm too ambitious and impatient, or i'm meant to do more, or just my organisation are just paying us too much. there were times i felt like i could have done more but is normally rejected on pay scale basis. how much money do u need to pay for such little (or so i thought) project? and after attending some conference, it turns out that, sometimes, it really take alot of money to get things going! *shocked!

and i have another plan for work today. i wrote it down. and the more i write, the more i realised it's moving up the management level. the timeframe also got longer and longer. seems like its not so easy to move up the corporate ladder too. i know i can do the job that they pay those old people to do. i just gotta be patient now. i shall take this as a time to learn from the ground and so when i reach the top, i will be good! and this is the very thing i need to bring to my office. the attitude of wanting to excel at your work.

sometimes, its just tough to balance between keeping your enthusiaism and motivation high at your workplace when everyone else doesn't care much. you still need people to help you along. this is one thing i will never sacrifice. the hearts of the people.

i'm so lost that i don't even know how to pen down my thoughts.

been neglecting too many things for too long. for a start, finance and fitness is in a mess.

some days, i just don't want to be alone, yet i don't want to entertain.

let's hope the buzz is going to bring me back up.

quarter-life crisis.

the uncertainty at work is killing me. so much so that at times i wonder if i should just give up.

damn sick of having to share a room with bro. share a home in fact. why must i be the one to compromise all the time just to suit his timing?

just very lonely and cant find no one to talk to.

and that make me wonder if the problem is always me or is it just that i'm indeed being taken around for a ride?

let's hope thing take a turn around soon. :)

an irony to the previous post, i had a hell of a time all by myself today. had lotsa thinking about everything and anything.

on that note, i was just thinking today, i'm very sure that i can do something great. i can definitely do more than what i'm doing now. but why am i not doing it? maybe i should stop hoping for a opportunity to drop from the sky for me to try out something great and leave a good impression from there. maybe i'm still stuck at the lower end because everytime i'm there, i felt grumpy and all having not to be the leader. and most importantly, following instructions of which, i could have given better. and with the old saying, a good leader is a good follower, i resolve to just do best in whatever i can. meanwhile, i shall stop the habit of giving up something totally once i know i cant get it to be the best. every effort counts. i've definitely missed out alot just because of that. look at the degree, look at your ironman ambition, look at everything!

let's keep the motivation up! :)


having good feelings about my future.

i am still a loner. at times.

this is very hard to convey to people around me (who is not like me) but i just want to be alone sometimes. this may explain all my hobbies. running, cycling, swimming, fishing. i totally enjoy being alone. it give me time to think. it give me a break from everything. and sometimes, i just want to lie down and think the whole day. i just want to walk around my house in circles and plan the whole day. but why is it so difficult? people ask me what i'm going to do. i cant possibly say i want to be alone at home the whole day. people say i'm crazy when i say i just stayed at home when i'm on leave. weird.

ever since i've started working, this alone time has decreased dramatically. so, when i'm free sometimes, i would really love to just be alone and do my own things. sometimes i feel that obligations are drowning me. and when i don't get that alone time, depression sets in. its like a medicine i have to take once in a while. the interesting thing about this is that, i'm perfectly fine if anybody want to be alone with me. i just don't want the obligations that i have to keep anyone company, i don't have to answer your questions, i don't have to adjust to anyone's timing. i can sleep all day and suddenly boom! i felt like it and go!

as we grow older, we find less time belonging to us. obligation may sound rather rude but it is the case. we are obligated to be with family, we are obligated to socialise. yes, sometimes, the attendance to these events may come from the heart but at times when i don't feel like doing, and i can't just put it straight across

"i'm sorry, i just don't feel like having dinner with you. i just want to be alone. no, no, i'm not depressed or troubled. i just want to be alone"

tell me, who is not going to give me a weird stare?


and one thing i've learnt today, never bottom things up. it will just explode. it exploded today and amazingly, i was fuming when it exploded. 2 hrs later, i felt totally light and happy. it is out of me.

i hate it when people give me contradicting signals. all my life. when i was young, my mum say i can do certain things. and i did it. only to hear naggings and scolding. if you don't want me to do it, just say so. don't agree and later torture me with those things.

i'm too straightforward. it is always a yes or a no. if it is a no, and you want it to be a yes, don't let me know that it is actually a no. don't play emotions on me. i can't take it. or should i say, it doesnt work on me. it only serve to confuse me.

and the emptiness echo-ed from within.


somethings never change. after so long, whenever i'm rather distracted by things, the sequence of event will follow like a timetable.

i will lose interest in everything. just want to sleep everyday.

then, i will stop that. and try to find activities that keep me occupied. most of the times, having some friends of convenience helps.

next, i will shut out from the rest of the world. just lie on the bed, look into the sky all day and think. i personally find this stage the hardest to explain to the world.

and finally, everything resume. on a higher note.



the uncertainty of a certain career prospect is killing me. so much so that at times i felt like giving up.

it's time for me to go fishing or some long training rides/runs.