looking through the pictures of others' convocation, it is always full of energy, full of fun and full of friends.

it got me thinking.

i wonder who am i going to take pictures with at my graduation ceremony. all these from a mistake at year 1. a mistake to isolate from people who are in the same boat as me. bleah!

still, i think it's damn hard for me to clique with them anyway. i'm very comfortable with the friends i have now. and they are the benchmark for people i'm going to meet. ain't you proud to be my friend?

the previous week was such a blast. i held on to the things that make me happy. i was training hard, my finance was very well in check and im progressing fine with school. training reminds me of my goals and ambition and of course the high from the endorphins. keeping my finances in check remind me of getting ready for the future. basically it make me think more maturely. and of course, school work simply give me the satisfaction and to tell myself im still normal.

then, i missed a class. not a surprising thing but when it arrive at such a time, when im all motivated, and when i told myself that i will never (seem) to fall back to the dump, it is a crash. somehow, i felt so guilty that the snowball just keep on rolling and accumulating. i spent the whole afternoon sitting in the room wondering about myself. about my identity. about my visions. about my actions. about my futures. it seems like there's so much to think about. good thing is i managed to snap back to reality fast enough instead of sulking into depression (again). went for a refreshing 8km run and got everything back together. went for a fishing trip alone and sorted out my thoughts. i told myself, (this always work for me), "hack the guilt. now, take a break first, and get all recharged and ready for the following week."

all's well.

and then i couldn't fall asleep at 9pm (as tired as i am) and got bored. got tempted to go to a party. as soon as i sent the sms of "is the party still on?", i totally regretted it.

so i missed the whole of my saturday. nursing a hangover. this is exactly the reason which persuaded me to stop the party spree. previously it was the boredom and the meaningless-ness of party. when the party is fun, it's about the hangover. so right now im 100% against partying. meaningless party.

and so i hope the 10km run tmr will bring me back to where i needed to be. long run always bring me back to where i should have been.

next,

i just came back from a gathering. through-out the session, although there was laughter and talks, i actually felt bored. i came to realise that as fun as it seem, i don't seem to like it. it must have been the lack of true conversation. all we talked about were just plain updates. like how much he has been winning at mahjong. at how are the ex-colleagues doing. it is actually boring! maybe its the fact that there wasnt any chance for anyone to talk and update and to discuss things whatsoever. i came to conclude that the very reason that they seem boring is the lack of passion. i only got excited momentarily when they asked me about some cycling things. i got excited when i heard plans to go mountain biking. but i know im not holding on hopes to such plans. they always fail. i should say that it is talk not plan.

which brings me back to what i console my friend earlier on. i was on the topic of loving yourself before you can love others. all along, i thought loving yourself is to protect yourself and to make yourself happy. suddenly, i had a revelation that loving yourself should means loving your future. it is about giving yourself a better future. i cant love myself if i drown in vices as much as it make me happy. the happiness is temporarily and superficial. the real happiness actually come from the heart. you somehow feel a glow from inside. and i, personally, can achieve that when i did all the things i said in the first paragraph. and it is all about working for a future. it is all about putting yourself in a position to receive all the blessings and gifts. a crap analogy will be like what the local movie "money no enough" said, "if fortune god want to give you money, how will you be able to receive it if you don't buy lottery?" in perspective, how can i have a good life if i don't have a good future? and good future do not necessary means to have a luxurious lifestyle. it is about thinking back and smile because you have done it right, or rather, got it right. and how can i have a good future if i don't start now?

with that, i shall keep the week in mind. the ups and the down and the awakening.

F1 driver jarno trulli said that "if i am passionate about something, i know i have to get it. i can't let anything stop me or affect me"

people around him know him to be very motivated and goal oriented. if he need to run 10km he run 10km, no matter what. he stick to his training schedule. no sponsor obligations or late night partying come in between.

that stuck me hard.

and so i've drawn up a plan for myself for the whole of october. it is working very well right now. and i must say, only after 2 weeks, i've seen the effects both physically and emotionally. all these long runs n rides made me realised that there's still a passion burning in me and i must set it ablaze.

sometimes, after being lost for so long, it simply feel so good to find something which will lead you back.

right now, i have to treat a nagging heel pain. better book an appointment with some physiotherapist by this week. it is so bad now that i could hardly walk after my 8km run. i must not let anything stop me, including this annoying heel.

maybe i haven't been lonely. thus the lack of updates in this space.

now, i'm feeling a little lonely. roller coaster week, i had.

started off with some impatience and a little lack of tolerance. as much as it was over very quickly, it started the avalanche.

then, on a very drowsy day, i noticed the tap of the water container in odd position. didnt see anything odd though. turns out to be that water leaked out and drenched everything beneath it. i simply had no idea if i was the one who put the tap in that odd position. so i simply said i don't know. next thing, mum blamed sister (who wasn't back home yet). i felt that it was wrong so i tried to figure out what exactly happened told mum what i saw and immediately got a scolding. i left home immediately.

needed a drink badly and none of the 'friends' are available. suddenly it occurred to me that as much as they have accompanied me back then in times like this, they themselves wanted the company as badly as i do then. now that they are not lonely in that moment, they decided it wasn't necessary to have a drink with me. damn.

and so, i had some quality time to myself for the whole week. thinking about alot of things. neglecting alot of work in the process as well.

and there're still pple flooding me with their stories. when will it be my turn to tell my story? when will it be my turn that someone listened to me?

i've came to realised that i've listened too much that others have forgotten that i have a story to tell too.

and so, that lead to me shutting off and think through everything myself, all the time. healthy and yet unhealthy i would say. healthy as in i ain't dependent on anyone. unhealty? sometimes, the load can be quite big and the time needed to get over it varies directly proportional.

and after all these, it is still back to the goals and dreams to keep me sane.

i still love my friends. though i'm beginning to be selective now.