" The three great essentials to achieving anything worthwhile are; first, hard work, second, stick-to-it-iveness, and third, common sense. " - Thomas A. Edison

i promised myself to go cycling this weekend. it's a must! i really miss cycling. but come saturaday, i will feel so lazy to go. i must stop myself from being that lazy. lazy to such an extent to give up something i like over the bed. i must go. i must go. i must go. maybe it's also a way to stop my bad clubbing habits. it's really expensive. even to those who are working in a professional world. less to say about me who serve the nation, commanding a salary under the rank officer cadet with a A level worth of education only. anyway, i'm still keen on getting a racer bike by the end of this year. AND i will need to save up for that. maybe i should take a trip down to 'Cycle Worx' to take a look and seek some advice before i venture into a racer blindly.

i was just thinking yesterday. are all those talks about having fun knowing more people excuses for my loneliness? seriously i think it's really very interesting to know more people especially foreigners. nevermind. i should stop talking about clubbing all the time. it ain't that interesting to everyone anyway. as long as i have a variety of friends, i'm satisfied with my life. some friends to hang around in town, some friends to eat late night supper, some friend to go training with me, some friends to visit clubs with. this is good. i will not need to 'force' them to do things they don't like and they don't have to listen to things they aren't interested in.

"I was like a junkie. Looking for another fix, but never finding what I was truly seeking." -Coach, Danielle Shaver
maybe this is what is happening to me now. then again, i will be sure i will not stop clubbing completely. it's a form of stress relieve for me now.

alright. how is my triathlon ambition coming along? i'm still in the preparation for this december standard chartered singapore (half-)marathon. my back still aches like the old days and both of my shins hurts everytime i run, especially on the concrete or asphalt. i hope i will not end up like my brother, suffering for impact injuries on the leg, having to tape up the legs before every run. i started training for my swim as well. it's to maintain my fitness doing a low impact sports. as for cycling, haven't done that for months. therefore, as mentioned above, i MUST cycle this weekend. however, i realise something interesting. unlike many other triathletes including the pros, i prefer to train alone. i have a running partner in camp but i prefer to run alone. part of the reason is that i can do the training at my own pace and i will not have to slow him down to wait for me. then again, will training at my own pace push me to higher limits? i must admit the running with my partner is seriously tiring. i can't match his pace, especially after the 8th km. it's ok. i still enjoy training. for one thing. i'm always honest when it come to training. i will not tell myself i'm pushing too hard if i'm just on the right pace but feeling very tired.

"Pain. Love it, hate it, get angry at it. Breath it with every breath, feel it with every step and use it. It lets you know you are still alive, more alive than most people will be in their whole lives." - Strauss

some call me crazy. to go clubbing on two consecutive nights. hey. don't forget i'm still young and i do want to live my life truly. so what if they say i'm crazy? i'm beginning to know more and more people who think the same way i do. yes. i met this group who just came back from paris. they did not hesistate to welcome me to their group. they told me all about clubbing and partying at paris, where they will party from midnight till noon. aw! how i wish we have that in singapore. music always stop too early. just when i begin to enjoy myself the lights have to come on.

why are the locals so unfriendly? maybe not all local. those who have some overseas exposure are pretty friendly. i enjoy making friends from everywhere. it give me little peaks at what the world is like out there. i ain't want to be trapped in a small world of my own. i want to see the world. every single one of us is a unique individuals. we never ever meet the same personality. so isn't it interesting to know as many people as possible? to find a little of yourself in everyone else. maybe i should put it this way. it's a quest to know yourself better. don't live in the illusion that we know ourselves very well. we don't know ourselves. not at all. so we can only know ourselves through others. i strongly believe that there's a little of ourselves in others.

it's scary. friday night, as i was drinking my scotch away, i look at the dance floor. the crowd was jumping. slowly, they transformed into maggots. maggots who are moving around aimlessly. i ain't want to be a maggot. it took me a while before this maggot image is gone. still i enter the dancefloor.

yea....finish the terry fox run 8.8km in 38mins 20secs. it's a damn good timing for me considering the fact that i only slept one hour and clubbed before that. it's a good run. really. i felt good through out and breathing was easy. stride was good. i lifted my hind leg high and drive the knee far in front.

a walk down to check out liquid room only make me realise what is really call clubbing. everyone is there to enjoy. everyone is well-dressed. it is so crowded. but it seems like it will be almost impossible to get in. age cap at 26. argh. my plan is to try to bribe the bouncer and see how it goes. hopefully all goes well. but i guess this kind of club maintain their image very well, so it's pretty hard.

"the future belongs to those who truly believe in their dreams."

ha. interesting weekend lie ahead of me. i think this is the ideal weekend for me.
in chronological order:
saturday
shop (bought a wallet, a book and a magazine)
visit the library, read and listen to jazz for a good whole hour
watch vcd / eat with family
nap
club

sunday
charity run in the morning
lunch / watch F1 with friends
rest!!!!!

"competition is a catalyst to excellence which you control."

yes. i bought 'matrix and philosophy'. i can't find 'becoming an ironman', if not i would have bought it too. it's so interesting. i haven't been out walking around town alone for a pretty long time and i must say i do enjoy it. not only that, i realise i like jazz music alot.

my aim for tmr terry fox 8.8km run will be 44mins. this is taken into account that i'm going to have alcohol later and the serious lack of sleep.

http://lookingeyes.clubsnap.org/gallery/albums.php

check tt out. his photos are very nice. i love photos under nature and potrait especially. you wouldn't want to miss out on suan webpage. his gallery is under some link inside.
everytime i see pictures of sportsman, especially those of cyclists or triathletes, i will have such deep drive in my heart to be part of such sporting activities. then again it would be ironic to tell you people that i'm comtemplating about the terry fox run this sunday. now i'm trying to come to a decision of wanting to go clubbing on saturday night or go running on sunday morning. anyway i also don't know if i want to wake up that early on sunday morning. i will come to a decision shortly. as usual, most of my decision are pretty last minute. my whole life is that flexible and i love it that way even though sometimes it means that i would have to do things alone most of the time.

took a complete break this week from running. the pain in my shin is going off slowly. i miss training. seriously. i'm going to bike tmr. definitely. i miss the feeling of having a healthy and fit body. bleah.

monday i was just thinking that there are so many sides of me. each side only exists at some times. weird or dumb as it might sound but i really think that way.
there's a side of me who enjoys crowd and yet a side that seeks solitude.
a side of me who feels lonely and yet a side of me who feels loved.
a side of me who is so playful and yet a side of me whos so disciplined.
a side of me who is so soft and gentle and another side who is so vulgar and aggressive.
lots more. it is especially so when i sit down in front of the console and control. i'm just another person. outisde that seat, i can't think or react so fast but once on the seat, i can easily complete a good mission.

afte watching 'band of brothers', i miss the lifestyle in SAFTI MI OCS. i miss officer training. over here, i see myself more like training to be a controller than officer. it takes so much to be an officer. i don't really know how to put it down in black and white because it really takes alot to be one. it's not an easy job. i love abit of regimentation with alot of efficient self-government.

i'm so sick of politics or popularity. maybe i'm jealous or what but i just hate it when some guys are jsut so popular in front of instructors just because they know how to speak in that particular frequency. the instructors seems to trust them with alot of tasks but then little do the instructors know that these people are just such screwed up selfish bastards outside the vision of superiors.argh. damn! maybe i'm over-zealous about the sword of honour thingy. especially this week when my performance improved so much. i just feel that my chances are still that regarding this SOH thingy. i want this SOH because i want to get a study award and go overseas to study and to have a higher career estimated point. i don;t want to be stuck at a low rank listening to bastards directing me.


last night, i sms grace for nothing. only to realise later on that i just want to bring the conversation to the part on how i feel so good after achieving such high grades for my assessment. how have i fail in my decision to forget about her, someone who don't even appreciate me. i don;t want to waste my time but i can't help but to tell her everytime i'm down or when i'm very happy.i told my roommate i wonder if i want to have a companion to talk to or do i want to have all the freedom to go clubbing each weekend. clubbing is enjoyable but it only hit on me that i'm just a lonely soul trying to find a getaway.

let me think. should i go clubbing with pico tmr or should i go for the charity run on sunday morning? hmmmm..............

"silence is one great art of conversation." -unknown source

a silent person sitting down in a corner is actually the one with the most thoughts at that point of time. silence can bring peacefulness and yet fear, a sign of calmness and yet flustered, a sign of thoughts and yet loneliness. it also give us a sense of mystery. so much for silence.

been to this bar call 'eastside'. a damn nice place to chill out. i would certainly recommend this bar. nice ambience and comfortable sofas.

after spending six consecutive weekends drinking and drowning myself in music, i came to realise that i actually appreciate all the freedom i have now and i doubt i'm going to commit soon. initially, i thought i need some commitment to settle down. now what i really hope is to have a mature and stable relationship (if i want). i ain't want no teeny whiny kind of puppy love or shit. i don't want those stupid quarrels over jealousy. i want a open-minded and understanding kind of relationship.

btw, i do realise something. what women want is really confident man. they don't want some guys who simply keep looking at them hoping that they will take the initiative. though it might sounds weird to just smile and say 'hey hi' but it definitely is better than standing there and stare. and i guess guys giggling among their friends are certainly a turn-off. ha. and last of all, they certainly do not want guys who go around trying to chat up with every single girl they can find.

it's been so long. so long indeed. finally i'm beginning to see some light.

"it's not enough to be good if you can be better."

there have been a little friendly competition in my course to be the best controller. apparently i have earned my place to second place thus far. so far it's only me and the guon top who have not been screwed by our famous and loud 'duckie'. i'm telling you people. i have only one goal in mind. sword of honour.

"why do i feel more real when i dream than when i'm awake?how can i tell if my senses are lying?" -matrix

yes. why do i feel this way? i seem to enjoy myself in a dreamy land. this real world is so f-up. everything is dogshit. i prefer to go into wonderland. or if not, i make myself go into wonderland. may it be falling asleep or losing myself in loud music. i have really lose the faith in this supposingly real world where everything is so superficial. bleah.

"there is some fiction in your truth and some truth in your fiction." -matrix

i've realised what's wrong with me recently. i'm lonely. very very lonely. a pitiful lonely soul. damn it. i go clubs so that i don't feel lonely. so crowded. just get myself lost in some darkness and loud thumping sound. for example, last night, i was just watching vcds at home until midnight before i feel really bored and lonely and shit like that. i changed and went out. without much hesistation.

i find company in clubs. i find company in lonely trainings. interestingly, i enjoy myself when i go for my trainings alone. i swam just now. felt so good to feel the water gliding past me. feel so good to listen to the water. and i realised i seemed to have joints problems everythere. my feet hurts. knee hurts. and not to talk about the shinsplint(supposingly). argh.

"why do you say sorry? you are so nice."