yes. i failed my driving test. amazing. although i was pretty confident, i was mentally prepared to fail it. good for me also. i guess i'm not ready and this will jolly well stop my thinking that i'm able to drive fast.

failure to release handbrake : x (2)
delay in moving off : X I (2)
insufficient acceleration : X I I (2)
fail to keep within lane : I (6)
unnecesarry stopping : X (2)
improper action causing accident (hit kerb while making a left turn) FAIL!

that was weird. the only time my handbrake was on was during the time when i first sat in the car and the slope. delay in moving off? he told me once i'm ready then move, so i took my own sweet time to get ready. that he give me demerit point? weird. insufficient acceleration? i thought i want to go slow in the driving circuit. damn. should have just be my normal self. fail to keep with lane? this, i must complain because this is the thing i was the most careful about and i was god damn sure i was well within the line. unnecessary stopping? don't we have to come to a complete stop if view of oncoming traffic was blocked? and well, the coup de grace. the god damn yellow box junction where i hit the kerb. damn. i hate yellow box junction. the other time when my car just entered it, traffic light turn yellow, so i stopped immediately. i was told it's a immediate failure to stop in yellow box. today, the moment my front wheels enter the yellow box at pathetic 20kmh, the blardy light turn yellow. i don't want to be accused of dashing red light so i make sure i'm clear of the line before it get red. so i push it up and make a left turn and there! the god damn kerb which i was always so fucking near. finally i hit it! hurray~

it doesn't matter. i just have to wait a few more months before giving it a try today. i was too nervous today. my heart was beating faster than when i was having a orgasm. haha. i thought of this while i was doing my vertical parking. lol.

let's look at things on the brighter side!

friends, i'm sorry to analyse but i noticed that there was significant difference in reaction when i told both sexes about my failure.
the dicks : "what happen? alamak, so easy you also can hit? you should have blah blah blah...."
the pussies : "oh gosh. don't brood over it ok? i'm sure you will be able to do it the next time"

i also know that it's easy to do that turn. i also know how to get it done. the thing is i already know what to do. i've made a mistake. that's it. i admit i make a mistake and i've learnt how to do it and why must they still tell me what i should have done? weird. as for the ladies, the moment they realised that i'm not actually bothered that i've failed, we move on to talk about other things smoothly. there was no awkward silence before the next person speak. so, there are, obviously, still differences.

the only thing i was dwelling about is how i've let people down. people who think i can pass the test easily. the disappointment in their eyes to know that i've made such silly mistakes. i'm sorry. i will be careful the next time.

and a random thought struck my mind: "maybe, to certain people, you don't have to put in so much to help them. they don't bother anyway." i always like to put in 100% effort in everything. i don't like to be sloppy. but i've learnt my lessons well. i've seen things clearly. there are people who only say hi to you when they need you. they know you can get things done. well, so next time, if you think you belong to the group which i will not put in the 100% effort, take note that i might forget to do certain things. you got to remind me man!

but still, i'm not a mean person.

kisses are sweet.

got myself a small pump, in case my luck is so bad that i have a puncture in the middle of coastal road..$14

swimming has improve but the nasi lemak and the loads of chilli that goes along with it stopped my swim, which is going on so well. i definitely learnt how to drift in the water a while to make sure i turn my shoulders n keep my elbow high. kicks also improved alot today. well done!

ATA interview was hell.

while waiting, the way my heart was beating will allow me to skip a day's of distance training man. the interview itself was worse. this is the first time i was push right to the edge till i have no comments. so sad. should have read more. anyway, thanks to the last minute guidance from channelnewsasia.com i manage to ans quite a handful of questions confidently, earning some smile and nods.

however, the worst is the last part. me, being so anxious, asked when will i know the outcome, and there they go, starting another round of debate why should they spend so much money on me.

"what will you do if i only give you ATA local?"

see you guys in NUS!

i didn't sleep. for 30plus hours i didn't sleep (well). i didn't proceed with my uphills intervals. will do it tmr. too many damn things, for the first time in my duty. my legs are actually aching from last night leisure cycling (amazing) and my heart is beating god damn fast.

take a deep breath.

2 months ago, when i met with such encounter that i decided to change my life, i've decided to be laid-back as well. i've decided to be somebody who pursues his own career and his hobby. i told myself not to put in extra effort to help, in case of disappointment. today, just when i was about to take this away, to change to become the who i used to be, the helpful man that is, people are hurling shit at me again. fuck them. i'm going to sit back and mind my own business again.

however, i still cannot control myself emotionally when someone threw a remark like "what? so you expect me to do it?" although it is their own responsibility and have NOTHING to do with me. i don't know. perhaps i still live in such innocent world. is this a method to make things work? i have my job, you have your job, i've finished mine but you haven't and the next thing is you are using MY emotions as a weapon to get your job done? please, for i beg you, i've grown up in a certain environment that some emotions are already taken out of me. please, do not take what's remain of me because the difference between a machine and a human is the emotions. i don't want to become a robot.

maybe i should heed the advice of not expecting how certain people will behave at certain situations but i just can't help it. it's so natural to me. i didn't even think or expect. i just knew it. well, this is a weak point of human. we all behave uniquely in situations and this individuality is actually tagged to us. just like a name. a form of recognition. there's something i have to counter this tagging. it works, for me. it produces surprises. it creates commotion. it's a beauty. sometimes, a fight need not be physical. just open up your eyes.

anyway, i just got chided by my superior, as what i've expected. thank god because of my unusual habit, i'm able to defend myself. well, superiors don't like defensive subordinates don't they? wink. and you, who got me into this, you think i'm so simple? i came prepared the first day.

there are people around who work for show. why aren't they in the entertainment sector? for that, i will refuse to help even though it's well within my ability. why should i do all the work, while you simply sit there and point and credit? how about i sit there and point, you can go ahead and do the work and claim the credits? it's as simple as that isn't it? stop saying that i'm selfish, irresponsible and ugly words like that when you throw some responsibility to me in a media that you know i have no access to. if it's that urgent, why don't you ring? afraid of having to explain why can't you do it yourself and have to get me to do it? sometimes, having an audience doesn't make you look busy. you are just showing the world your weakness isn't it?

sometimes,
all i need is a pat on my back, telling me everything is gonna be fine.
all i want is to have someone to talk to everyday.
all i crave is love.

can't you spare me some?

i fell in love today.

i just came back from a short ride with my new roadbike. geez! now i know what's so exciting about it. it's fast! i swear! but it's not easy either. the gear ratio are pretty big. the smallest crank i have now have the same number of teeth as my old one. it's really not easy to reach a top speed and to think i always follow the terms the pro use, 'granny gear'. damn. i was on granny gear all the while. now i know why i will need a padded tights and gloves. the shoes can wait now. not easy to balance on that 23mm wide wheels, especially at tight corners. gloves are more important. my palms are tired now.

i disappointed with myself today. i went swimming and it sucks. i wouldn't even call that swimming. perhaps just messing around with the water. too much of slacking do me no good. a few things to note from now on...

1) ditch that damn carbo! it taste good but it doesn't help much with the weight
2) no more breakfast from the canteen everyday. just gobble that muesli bar. i'm sure it's only half the calories.
3) no more excuses to stop training. so what if you have to skip dinner and run at 10pm? get your ass down!
4) gym training. it's boring and it's painful but you just got to do it. you need some strength in that pull.

remember. 1 hour 20 minute! do not forget this!

oh yea..finally i got my helmet. Selev Alien. the black carbon one. i like it. i missed the first deal and thank god i found this guy who placed the ad 2 months ago. i still manage to get it. one lucky event for the day after a hell lot of misfortune.

my driving! whatever happen to it i better correct it! i was mounting kerb, brushing kerb like there's no tmr! i used to be able to get through the S and Crank course 2 blardy times before the person next to me complete even one! now i mounted the kerb! wtf! i used to be able to parallel park 2 times before the person in front of me can even move the car into the slot once! what happened man? grrrr....fed up! anyway, i think i'm travelling too fast. 2nd and 3rd gear in that blardy small circuit? haha..

i've decided. that's it for equipment for my bike. the rest can wait unless i manage to find cheap size 43 shoes online. i just realised by next month, i will be able to pay off the debts i got myself into for this bike! yay! i guess i will get the shoes and pedals next month. getting into a hobby is great! seeing how the people in the community love this hobby is even better! it's just bring more inspiration! if my cycling can get decent in 2 weeks time, i'm going for the New Balance Duathlon. so many things to join now. it might be crazy to have a duathlon and a biathlon within 7 days, but i will treat the duathlon as fun and the biathlon as challenge. time to get in shape!

im riding tmr!

oh great. sometimes i love this community. a deal for the Rudy Project didn't come true. such a waste. that helmet was a babe! however, i just made some new friend who agreed to help me get a brand new helmet at dealer price. all that because he knew that i was just beginning to start road-riding. he wanted to help me start it as soon as possible. great guy!

here's the recce for today.
helmet = 175
shoes = 95
pedals = 79
shorts = 50

damn it. it's expensive and i have not got my new year clothes yet. unless i will not look like a weirdo wearing tt Shimano hard soles and the cycling jersey to visit relatives. if all goes well, i will be able to get a Selev Alien tonight. then i will start riding tmr. although i thought that the shoes and pedals can wait, in my heart, i know i'm going to get them very soon. haha.

it's a very expensive hobby, expensive toys.

i noticed my change. my weekends and offdays used to be spent at home sleeping or rotting away. now i exhaust myself going on island wide hunt for the assessories. it's really tiring but i enjoy it so far. meeting people, learning more things. once everything is settled, i will start riding but i will not forget the highlight should be the biathlon. and oh, i have registered. no more slacking!

let's clock some mileage!

5days since i got that bike and i haven't even brought it out to the road once. damn it. i dare not go without a helmet and besides that, i have not adjust everything to my preference. hai! going to look at a helmet going for SGD50 tmr. Rudy Project Furya. hope it's to my liking. i don't want to spend another 100 plus for helmet.

and guess what? i'm going to stay local to study. reason being i missed the deadline for application to UK. damn it. blame it on my laziness. sucks! a life time decision just because of laziness. i deserved it anyway.

i'm estimating to ride this thursday. hope it come true........

Are your palms sweaty, is your heart racing & is your voice caught within your chest??
-It isn't love, it's LIKE.
You can't keep your eyes or hands off her/him
- It isn't love, it's LUST.
Are you proud, and eager to show her/him off??
- It isn't love, it's LUCK.
Do you want her because you know she's/he's there??
- It isn't love, it's LONELINESS.
Are you with her because she/he kissed you, or held your hand?
-It isn't love, it's LOW CONFIDENCE.
Do you stay for her/him confessions of love, because you don't want to hurt her/him?
-It isn't love, it's PITY.
Do you belong to her/him because the sight of her/him makes your heart skip a beat??
-It isn't love, it's INFATUATION.
Do you pardon her faults because you care about her/him?
-It isn't love, it's FRIENDSHIP.
Do you tell her/him every day she is the only one you think of?
-It isn't love, it's a LIE.
Are you willing to give up all of your favorite things for her sake?
-It isn't love, it's CHARITY.

Does your heart ache and break when she's sad?
Then it's LOVE.
Do you cry for her/his pain, even when she's/he's strong?
Then it's LOVE.
Do her/his eyes see your true heart, and touch your soul so deeply it hurts?
Then it's LOVE.
Do you stay because a blinding, incomprehensible mix of pain & relation pulls you close & holds you to her/him?
Then it's LOVE.
Do you accept her/his faults because it's a part of who she/he is?
Then it's LOVE.
Are you attracted to others, but stay with her/him faithfully without regret??
Then it's LOVE.
Would you give her/him your heart, your life, your death??
Then it's LOVE.

Love hurts our feeling, but it's also the reason our soul heals..

oh really? i don't want to be convinced again that i love her. i want to move on. really. i'm going to stop dwelling on things because she asked me to. no, i'm doing it because it makes me happy, just like what she assured me of. i'm going to move on. i swear but i can't forget how troubled i was to see her fight, how i can't sleep when she told me that, how i was so angry that she exposed me right deep inside of me, how i told myself to stop thinking of her only to dial her number again and how i told myself that not everyone is perfect for the faults i see in her.

sometimes, i just need assurance.

then again,
"the best part about being twenty something and single is the opportunity to figure out who i am and what i want in life. By myself. For myself. Afterall, the most challenging and exciting relationship to have is one with yourself. And if someone comes along and loves the ME i love, well then, that's just fabulous."
-eelyn

Growing Older is Mandatory, Growing up is Optional.

a few weeks ago.....

Christmas wishlist:
1) Cannon Ixus40 or Casio Exlim S-100 (tell me which is better pls) <-got it!!!!
2) I-pod (may it be mini or the bigger version)
3) a racer bike (preferably with all assesories) <- got it!!!!
4) a pair of jeans, a new shirt and a pair of new shoes <- got it!!!!
5) a pen from Mont Blanc(they make you look smarter, don't they)
6) a good watch (a must-have for every man)
7) complete set of DVD for Matrix and Infernal Affairs
8) someone to love me

i pamper myself alot, don't i?

yes. i've got the new Olmo road bike. gosh and i just realised it's a frame designed more for time-trial. perferct! i love it so much!

i always thought having a time-trial aero position is simple. just put ur head down and go! however, i realised it take some balls to do that. it's really fast! and your body weight is more towards the front wheel and that makes everything unstable. goodness. got to start from basics now.

oh yea. btw, i found the complete set of DVDs for The Matrix. 113bucks. got to start savings again. i mean, i'm broke! all my money is in that new bike park in my living room now and that's not the end. up next, a helmet, jerseys, cycling shorts and some other assessories! no more taxi for the month of jan and feb. i will miss that. buses are boring and i have developed a habit of sleeping on the bus in my JC years but i can't do it now. i can't sleep in uniform, unless they will agree that it's a way to show the public that we DO earn our weeny pay! here's the plan.

jan : save save save save save. be a miser!
feb : refer to jan
march : cycling shoes maybe?
april + may : aerobars if i'm really that keen. if not, i better save for my U.

i still can't keep my cool. don't blame me. you don't trust me.

what a busy day. how i wish i could have a car and drive around now. i left home at 1700H. went to 'cheap john' and took a look at Trek1000. disappointed. then i went down to Bishan to take a look at the Olmo. OH! MY! GAWD! it was perfect! a hand-made italian 3 yr-old road bike with a cool frame well-maintained! well, back to the topic on car and time. i reached home at 2130. 4.5hrs out in the street just to view 2 roadbikes! so inefficient!

-Olmo mercury frame
-Full 105 groupset
-Shimano 535 wheelset
-selle italia saddle
-ITM aluminium handlebar

i don't know what they are but it's definitely a good experience to plant my butt on that saddle. cool!

initially, i question my desire to owe a road bike. is it because it look good? is it because i don't want to look stupid by taking part in duathlon and triathlon in a MTB? is it that my small frame MTB is giving me knee problems? i found my answer today. geez! one slight touch on the softest gear ratio move me forward in a jerk that MTB will never give me. the smoothness of the whole drive train. the feeling of speed on it. the thought that i'm going for Osim2005! these are driving me crazy!

and i love the feeling of being welcomed into the family of triathlon. the scene goes like this:
me: offering 1k..sadly...
A : offering 1.2k..

he asked me what i want to do with that bike, and he instantly lost 200bucks when i say triathlon n training. A wanted it for leisure cycling which the owner find it's such an insult to his Olmo.

"To own an Olmo is to own part of Italian bicycle history but to ride an Olmo is to experience the exhilaration born on the coastal roads of the Italian Riviera. "

it was rather easy for us to start chatting just like good old friends. we have a few things in common. triathlon and of course, the lost look on our faces when we were ask,"why did you sign on?" to others, SAF is a pain in the ass. to me, i found where i want to be in 20years to come. i mean, i can't get to NASA, my childhood dream(don't laugh. really, i want to be an astronaut!) so i will just settle for something close. heh~

back to the roadbike thingy, have i mentioned that that guy is so trusting? he asked me if i want to take it home and pay him later in the week when all information about me he has is simply my name and my handphone number. how great. reason being i like the bike so much i will not be trying to cheat around.

so, let's see. if i get the bike this month, i will be broke! real broke! i will not have money to pay up for my driving lesson then. hai. i saw 'triathlete' just now. decided not to get it just to save money. sometimes it's good that you have a hobby you are so into it. you will think when you do everything.

anyway, lastly, i will urge everyone to take up triathlon! for those who can't swim, there is duathlon (run-bike-run) and for those who can't ride, there is biathlon (swim-run). there's no reason why you can't simply complete it unless you are already a quarter of a century old. i will urge you to see a doc first. for the rest of us, i guess maybe a half-marathon need some training but a biathlon or a duathon or even a triathlon require not much training, of course if you haven't been a couch potatoes for years! come approach me! i will be more than willing to guide you into this multisports. it's wonderful. let's bring some wellness back to our body. let's give ourselves something to look forward to each year. i guess new year resolutions will look better if it's "to clock a sub-3hr for the triathlon in dec" rather than "to lose 10kg". see the difference? join the big family now! it will be an upcoming sporting event.

anyway, i'm not really firm with that Olmo although it's so wonderful. i started the day with "Trek1000", "Giant OCR3", "Scott Specialised6" and that Olmo. now, Trek 1000 is out of the question. it look just like my MTB with slicks! i guess Scott will be out of the question too. no chance for me to test ride before making purchase. i will be test-riding the OCR tmr. and then we will see from there! OCR series look sleek enough for a roadbike. however, the stem look too relaxed and the frame has bad reputation. sucks. nvm, will still test ride it. not going to miss a chance.

hai~! so much so for just buying a roadbike. wonder how crazy will i be when it's my time to get a car.

now, who's interested? leisure or training ride along changi or mandai?

oh cool. the new comp has arrived. other than the chores of transferring everything in and getting used to the new keyboard, it's perfect. i definitely love the colour screen, i mean, i have been staring at a monitor with what seems like a red filter for months. now it's so much more comfortable. got to try out the new speed though. it's more than 5 times the speed of that old one.

have i mentioned that i don't really like to sit in front here anymore? the black LCD screen, the black CPU, the black keyboard and the Windows XP, it's exactly the same as what i have in camp. those shit which i have to do in front of these stuff. cool hur, to find those gadgets in a SAF camp. well, i'm dealing with more and better equipment day in day out and everyone is so immuned to it that they forgot that these equipment cost so much!

blackground : www.attica.com.sg at the loudest! i like the bass! will be going to www.zoukclub.com.sg for more. i should start downloading these trance! i do not always play music at such volume but i'm home alone and it's pouring outside! i'm not going to disturb anymore so...bring it on!

i was trying to make a deal with this guy yesterday. oh gosh. he will make a good businessman. he kept his words! although there are others who offered him a much higher price, he still asked me first. great. it's a good deal. italian frame bike complete with Ultegra parts. still i like the Giant OCR. will go down and take a look nonetheless as my former instructor bargained it even lower! geez! 500 bargain. not easy.

i was reading some blogs around in the net. i saw some love around. now i believe there are love somewhere out there instead of materialism.

love exists. and when i realised that, things changed for the better. isn't love amazing?

it's a saturday night and i was home all this while, glued to the black google box? oh my! some kind of help to my broken-soul. i'm in a perfect mood to go clubbing but there's no one! ah well..i will just go to bed early and wake up early for some workout tmr. long run or bike is in the program!

i received the invitation letter for the Biathlon in March. great! i'm going to stick that somewhere and the postcard with the picture of Chris McCormack too! not that i'm gay but that picture gives me motivation to start training. talking about this, i guess i need a personal notice board. it's going to contain some "things to do", "what's up next" and "motivation".

i took the first step to make things good. don't expect too much.

i just took a look at the receipt of the new computer my brother is getting. gosh. where is the keyboard and soundcard? how many USB ports am i getting? this is a real cause of worry. now i'm feeling guilty again for not agreeing to be responsible for getting the new computer. i just can't find any reason to get one. this one is working perfectly fine except for the monitor which probably just need some minor repair. the new one comes with a 15inch LCD. so small!? i love 17inch monitor and now i have to settle for something smaller? hmm..maybe i will just tell them that i keep this current one for myself alone. sometimes i'm sick of being the one maintaining the computer. i mean, i can be out having fun, i can be sleeping and the phone will ring and ask me something about the computer. then again, LCD? maybe i will start falling in love with computer games again!

it's just an old habit of mine not to have something new. i develop feeling for things that have served me well. just like the old MTB.

will getting a roadie and selling him off seem mean? i guess i will keep it. i will need it for short trips or fun ride though i have never used it as a form of transportation other than to deliver some letters to her previously. anyway, so far, Giant OCR3 is still the best bet for me. i still love the dual brake system it has. will be good for beginners like me. going to take a look at bikes this weekend. will definitely be visiting Cheap John. who doesn't want a good discount. maybe i will just meet up with my friend then. he live just opposite the road.

there are certainly signs that i haven't been sleeping enough. being awaken by noises and thought that it's already the next morning is definitely one! i used to take naps and waking up in the evening, rushing around the house getting my uniform ready only to realised its evening, not morning. no wonder everyone is up and the tv is on. our tv is never on in the morning except on those days bro and i will switch it on before school to take a look at the results of Canadian, Brazilian and US Grand Prix results before school.

working till 9pm and staying up till 2am just to watch CSI when you got to wake up at 6am? gosh. i'm still a TV addict and i officially declare that i'm in love with CSI.

i'm planning for a short weekend getaway in March. any suggestions? maybe i will just go Genting, have fun with the rollercoaster and go-karts and the air before going to KL for Malaysian Grand Prix. it will be an experience of smelling burnt rubber and listening to the engines. no F1 cars in sight! 400m on 300km/h? where are you, schumey? the weekend getaway will be good. just nice for me to rest for the Biathlon.

i did something good today. will there be another star in the sky tonight?

why does it always rain on me?

we are all under the same sky. you just didn't know that we are all in the rain because our shoes look dry. of course, with that umbrella we decided to use over our head. when thunder clap, when lightning flash, grab your umbrella and be prepared. the rain will still fall on you but guess what, your shoes will be dry. unless you decided to jump into those puddles. then again, do you really want to do that? you will get others around you wet too. is it worth it?

don't stop and seek shelter when it rain. move on. use the umbrella. it keeps you dry.

and when the rain is over, the rainbow appears.

networking is sure great. i just found myself another deal for my new bike. maybe with further discounts! i'm still weighing the pros and cons of getting it though.

you might find it pointless talking to me but trust me, i think more than what i say. talk to her more? think again. who else? earlier on, i wanted to tell you i was feeling much better compared to last night. thank god i didn't. now, i'm perfect! it is always such a weird thing that science can't explain. the monster won that battle. you won the war for me. thank you.

part of me still want it but i just want to move on. in fact, i'm moving on. but, right now, i will say, i will still turn back for you.

you still work magic!

i realised i sounded very morbid. guessed no one managed to catch that morbid post. thankfully.

in the afternoon, i was sitting in Macdonald's watching people. again. notice this guy, who obviously had not enough pocket money to afford a Macdonald meal. nonetheless, he went in with his friends and just sat there, accompanying them for their meal. guess how the friends treat him. shouted at him. laughed at him. made him run around looking like a slave. you wonder where crime started. it started with this bunch of god damn kids creating a emotional scar in that poor fellow.

have you guys heard about using our will power to cause our body to shut down? heard of people dreaming that they are dying and the next thing they realised, their heart stopped momentarily. interesting hur. anyway wonder why people leave the world? leaving behind a trail of mysteries? maybe it's because that they are simply returning what the world gave them. a box of puzzles which they can't solve?

i just got to learn how to be more talkative and not worried that people will get bored by my 'stories'.

i've recovered. from a period of being lost. i'm found. i'm good. i'm OKAY! and i just saw a duathlon in March. maybe i'm going to join that as well!

good luck for my training. it's base building phase. long runs and swims.

successful women turn me on. oh. btw, i meant not-so-old, pretty and successful. i always have this thing about women who are older than me, don't you know?

look at the CEO of HAACH. gosh. she's a babe! with loads of cash!

a sugar mummy who will shower me with lotsa love will be great! cash and gifts will be bonus!

yea..on mummy, don't you find (beautiful)mummy with young children such a turn on too? behaving like a baby to communicate with their kids. oh gosh..it's so sweeeeeeeeet! now, any mummy need a babysitter? hehe. the babysitter fantasy is still in me..hahahah.

the depressing sight of this place. no one dares to make a move. no one dare to take risks. no one dare to be different. this is in retrospect of all my suspension incident. after much thought and analysis, i realised i got cheated. fuck it. the last time round i committed mistake A while S committed mistake B. i took the blame. great. now i committed mistake B while someone else committed mistake A. no prize for your fast thinking but i'm getting it again. yea. so much so about open reporting. you guys dare not even expose the mistakes seniors have made. now that you people force me into this, i shall pin point every single mistakes they made. the SAME mistake that i made and got myself into this mess. and trust me, i will make it a big deal if we are treated differently. try me.

i spent so much time, fiddling with that new software, counting everything and you took it all away. why would you want to stick to a old method which is PROVEN that it will not work? miracles do not happen. there are miracles because people are thinking way beyond what's on your mind. have a new perspective, mate! i'm doing my very last bit of voluntary effort to make this a better place for everyone. after this, trust me, it's gonna be hell. today is one good example. bring it on baby!

it's never comforting to report to work one fine morning and realised you have an interview the next day, an interview which makes a big difference if you study in London or Singapore. phew! thank god it's postponed. what a fright!

life gets better~

After all... I'm just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her.

- Nottinghill

will i be committing a sin for being sad? when there're loads of others who are in worse situation? what's my problem compared to theirs? i want to feel so down. in fact, i'm feeling so down but i'm suppressing it because there are so many people out there who don't even wake up to a breakfast! there are so many people out there who can't even sleep without thinking if they will live to see the sun rise again. it's a new year yet i brought some stuff over. damn.

anyway, i'm glad that i've learnt so much from the last depression. i no longer allow myself to sink further. i stopped myself from drinking. stop myself from feeling bad and useless. i do things to make myself happy, like eating! this sounds bad at least i can get on to the training program to cut the weight. the rush of insulin and the drop in blood glucose sure work their way the same alcohol does. maybe that's what endorphins do. on the topic on endorphins, time to get my ass moving again. the rain today stopped me from my awaited swim and run sessions. i swore it's the rain. nonetheless, i have only 3 months to get myself in shape for a 1hr 20mins.

new year resolutions? perhaps none. i'm just glad that i've grown over the past year.

i don't know if the problem lies with me. somehow somewhat everyone is pretty unfriendly to me lately. just the other day, someone actually angry when i say no to clubbing. i meant, the reason i gave was good, or so i thought. i told him that it's raining and i've already promised others to go out with them. and he got pissed. and that get me pissed too! and guilty. damn it. why is everyone out to make me feel guilty? careful not to make me grow out of it. i was trying to look for people to talk to but i can't. i admit that it's part of me who refuse to talk to people about most things. unfortunately, no one came to my mind when i feel like speaking, except her. damn. well, i haven't seen her for so long anyway. i bet she had changed. into someone who no longer bring brilliance to my life, someone who longer hold that sparkle in her eyes. btw, is that why women are related to diamonds?

am i really happily single? if so, why do i feel so lonely? i really feel so good without the burden of a relationship but i'm feeling the drain without someone to share. maybe life's like that.

watching a toothbrush ad, a thought came to my mind. why do we have so many different kind of textures for the brushes? was it because someone realised that brushing can be more comfortable with softer brushes? are we always out to look for things which are more comfortable? what does comfort means to us? why do we avoid social occassions without our friends so that we will not be left in a awkward situation? do we just want to get something done or do we want to do it comfortably? many might think i'm nuts to choose not to do something comfortably but i wonder what will be lost in exchange for these comforts? will we lose the concious to be hardworking? will we lose the understanding of hardwork? will we lose the appreciation of things we enjoy today?

let me try opening myself up again.