Thursday, October 31, 2002

sweetest thing on earth : talk to the person you love most before going to bed.

so tired today. thanks to yesterday mad chase of 4.5km. i guess if not for the postman knocking on the door and shouting i am still sleeping right now. is the show VIP a bimbo show? just happen to saw it on TV. the scene i manage to catch is like 3 super-busted girl wearing super low-cut shirt and talking. this bring me back to yesterday's 'commando'. haha..i just want to laugh. the show is simply cliched and funny.

i'm bored now. don't ask why i'm not studying. i simply can't study in the afternoon. planned for a swim later. my belly is really showing.hahaha..

*extremely cheerful today* grace's cheerfulness got into me. ha.

Wednesday, October 30, 2002

did i forget i have got some practical examination tomorrow? my mum forgot. she went to sleep..better set some alarm myself.

shall we talk about living alone? i really like that idea. you don't have to fight for the TV remote, phoneline. you don't have to rely others or vice versa for the little things in life. i enjoy eating by myself (especially in the morning). try chatting up with me when i'm eating my breakfast and you will know what kind of face you get from me. breakfast is the time my mind is warming up, thinking about the day ahead. so i want total silence. other mealtimes i'm more than willing to talk but not when i'm trying to concentrade on the TV or something in my mind. you can tell me you want to talk to me and i will switch off the TV(yes, i will).

i respect communication between humans. i dislike vague communication. and i dislike the sentence i just typed. this is the first thing grace and i agree with.

bleah. enough about her. maybe i see if i can pass her the letter on friday. anyway the letter is supposed to be about sincerity, so, why not just show more?

Tuesday, October 29, 2002

i love the lyrics of the chinese song 'cheng mo gao yang' by zhao chuan. it speaks my mind totally. i'm quiet doesn't mean i don't have anything to say, doesn't mean that i don't know anything. i chose not to comment. hmm..since i chose to do so i should hold my peace forever. however i really dislike how certain people thought that i'm always so childish, thinking that i don't know certain stuff they thought they know so well. i must control myself. it seems like i have been holding back too much and suddenly i have so much to complain about. bleah...anyway..it's my choice to hold my peace and it's their choice to be ignorant. doubt i will be bothered by that much as they can go rot away if they wish

i still want the dream job of being the race engineer in formula one. it's so exciting. i guess it's about as exciting as being the doctor just that you wouldn't feel guilty for the rest of your life after making the wrong diagnosis. i still want to pursue aeronautical engineering. then again, now that i still have the chance of being a pilot. that's cool too.

hmmm...is there something about wanting to be so popular in teenagers? it seems like everyone wants to be portrayed as someone who knows alot of people around. some people i've met speak about someone they don't even speak to as if they know them inside out. why? is knowing the names of many people worth more than knowing the characters of people around you? now i just feel like picking up a book on psychology and start reading.

now i just want to stop commenting on things i don't know anything about. (wow..that will make me more quiet.haha). i tried this before. it's really nice. the other time i did this i still give my one cent worth of personal opinion. hmm..maybe i should stop giving personal opinion unnecessarily.

*still in cheerful mood* fell asleep just now. guess i'm going to sleep at 5:30am again. right now it's back to studying some formula one mechanics. btw, i still want to open my own garage (aka tuning shop). perhaps i shall go and work in some garage or bike shop after my exams.

Monday, October 28, 2002

lovely.

i watched tv till 1:30am, followed by planning for my training for the half marathon. then, i wrote a 5 pages long letter to grace. finally i settled down to study till about 5:30am. i guess my parents know that i study till so late. they didn't wake me up and i didn't even realise it's 11 am when i open my eyes. studying all alone at night is nice. the temperature is nice. you will have nothing to do but just study. the best thing is that time passes by real fast. not that kind of passes by and you've done nothing but you will realise that you are moving very fast.

it seems like the life of the young doctor is very fun and exciting. i wonder if i should do medicine. i love treating people. i guess the only thing i can't handle if i do medicine is that i can't face death. it really get in me. i once read a joke which i think it's so true. "what's the difference between a mechanic and a surgeon since both of them works on the heart(engine) of the patient? try working on the engine when it's running" being a doctor is great but the emotions attacted is too great too. if i settle down to be just an engineer it will be too boring. i will see how i go about it. it can be even nicer if i study sports medicine, work in the sports school and be a athlete at the same time. just like the great Dr. Ben Tan.

i'm getting cheerful today. maybe it's the sufficient sleep (instead of oversleeping). i like this. i hate look glum all the time. the whole world doesn't owe me anything.

haha. eq responded to my previous blog.

i didn't wish that it will turn out this way. she's correct. that phrase she used "just fuelled his existing frustrations". anyway it wasn't any personal insults or whatsoever.

there's so many things and yet so little time. it's really frustrating and when i'm stressed out, i go to sleep. so you can imagine the hours i put into spending on my bed. my brother just dirty my bike yesterday and i have to clean it. anyway i planned to clean it long ago and i like cleaning my bike. haha. btw, when i mean clean my bike, it's a at least 2hours affair.

i have decided to try the half marathon. so i need to train up. the pain in my ankle and feet is back again so i have been missing my own training. luckily we went for a quick soccer game yesterday, at least to keep my cardio fitness there.

it's been so long since i last feel so confused. first i don't know if i really like grace. then i don't know what do i want to do in 5 years time. next i don't know who to trust.(you can't just walk up to me and say "me". that will be the first one i don't trust.). haha..finally, i think i'm really weird. haha..i really find it amusing but somehow the way i feel that my brain is structured, i'm weird.

what the hell. just read about old thomson road ghost story. no wonder that place always feel so weird, especially when the sun is going down. there's something about a cliff there that always make me look down at it. ok. that's it. i'm not going to go there to train no more.

time to get my ass to go revise some things. exams are really a pain in the ass. your performance on that particular day determine your next life

Sunday, October 27, 2002

"axfire - a dreamy guy who insists on riding his own rainbows"
-eq

i refuse to accept that. nowadays i simply hate people who judge me. unless you can crawl into my brains and know what i'm actually thinking, you are just judging. i'm really sick of people who thought they know me so well and start making conclusion about me, giving me ideas about how i should go on with my life. come on, wake up people. i can say for sure none of the people out there really know me. so in crude terms, just fuck off. anyone out there can be my friends but when i say friends, i don't need your god damn smart ideas about how i should lead my life. i don't need you to go around telling people what you thought i am.

this sucks man. i'm really in a bad mood. foul mood. i don't know why. so smarties out there shouldn't even know why. it's like suddenly i realise there's so many out there i hate. so, basically i'm going to stay away from things i don't like. i don't like people who step on their friends so that they seem higher up. i don't like people who doesn't appreciate their friends. i don't like people who enjoy complaining about the things they are doing.(you had a choice. you chose to do it. so just shut up and stop being a wetblanket)

bleah. enough of my bitchings. i don't enjoy bitching in the first place.

Friday, October 25, 2002

Unbelievable. I chatted with Nikki on the phone from 1am to 5am. I wasn’t feeling good and she was feeling down. That’s how we started chatting. I didn’t talk much because most of the time I really don’t know what to say and it’s also because I’m thinking about the ‘grace’ thing.

We realised that maybe its because of my actions that make grace think that I’m not 100% sincere in liking her. Big mistake. As always, with things associated with her, my actions do not almost represent my thoughts. We were also discussing about is it the ‘man’s ego’ that make me want to ‘conquer’ her. I have thought about the second point and I manage to convince myself that it’s not. However, I was really confused yesterday. I don’t know her inside out so how can I possibly say I like her so much? Weird.

Interestingly, I want her to break up with that guy (so I have a chance) and yet I don’t want her to break up and get sad. So what do I want? I sound like a saint over here but it’s true. This is what I think. Perhaps I should really get her out of my mind, out of my life but I’m really happy (true from the heart) that I can start talking to her again. You know, girls always like to say all those encouraging words and stuff but those things really sound so different coming from her. I will really feel encouraged by her encouragement.

I’m having memory flashbacks these days. How I wish I can’t remember how her eyes look like and how she sounds like. It does hurt sometimes. Hai~ perhaps she will be transferred into my ‘friends’ zone soon. Real soon I think because I know my chances are like almost zero. It’s funny. Sometimes I just tell myself ‘hey come on, don’t ever give up on the things you really want (like)’ but ‘come on, let’s face it. No chance means no chance’. My heart and mind better reach a consensus soon.

Monday, October 21, 2002

"i can't do this alone. i'm not superman."

-theme song of 'scrubs'

warning : long blog.
bah...just woke up. the reason for me waking up is not that i'm awake or what. the weather is so nice today. i was dreaming about my own flat(dimmer, look abandoned). there was a girl wearing bikini lying on my bed and the auntie next door warned me that she got some weird diseases that make this whole flat contaminated. i was in the flat with my sis who was busying chatting on the phone and eating potato chips that i have bought. then for no reason my sis shouted,"you mean u saw things in this house?!" and the next thing i know both of us wore our slippers and try to close the door(we have to try because there's a force pulling it open.) and get out of the house. it doesn't sound so scary here but it's really scary. in your own house! and guess what, i'm all alone at home now. now the flat look kind of scary. one of the reason why i decided to go airport to study after typing this.

i called grace last night. it's not a dream, i'm sure. i guess i was really stupid. all those illogical thinking. she doesn't hate me or whatsoever. really. i'm like so speechless. i was so happy to hear her voice. though we chatted for a very short time but again i must say i really feel so comfortable telling her anything and everything. at first i thought there will be some awkward silence. however, the conversation carry on quite well. too bad she had to hang up because her mum wasn't really happy that she's always hogging on to the phone. when she said " you are so scary" i thought she's going to say i'm so scary because i know her name and her number even before we really know each other. this is a long story but in short, i know her number not because i remembered it or wrote it dow somewhere. it's just in my head after looking at it for one second. (believe or not). anyway, she said i was scary because i can write 4-pages worth of letters juz like that. i wrote 2 4-pages long of letter to her. the letters are nothing. i just wrote down what i was feeling then and stuff like that. she said i was very quiet all along. haha. i always thought i talk too much in front of her.

frankly speaking, i am a little worried for her now. now i'm all so motivated to study(thanks to her encouragement last night) but she seems to hate studying now. i didn't know that she dropped her f.maths earlier this year. i wonder why. i thought she will be so motivated and encouraged by that guy. i'm afraid that she might be so in love that she neglect her schoolwork. last year during the first three months, she mentioned that she feel like dropping f.maths. i managed to get her to persevere on though. perhaps she really can't take it. for whatever reason, i just hope that she don't screw up her life just being in love with that guy.

if you are wondering why i called her last night, just know that my ESP(extra sensory perception) is so accurate. it's just like suddenly there's an impulse in my head telling me to call. a few months back i also suddenly feel that her parents are being very strict with her and guess what, she told me that her parents are really strict with her now. i don't know why but i seem to be unable to have ESP about her. whatever. now i just hope that she's happy. and please, dear god(or whatever), don't screw up her life. she's really a very very nice person.

about yao and his queries about if dream is really so true. my dreams are all so real. so real so that sometimes when i wake up i need to ask if that particular situation happens in my dream or is it really happening. it's kind of scary sometimes. i can really feel, see,smell and hear everything in the dream and it will just register in my brain. if i dream of myself getting a cut on my hand, there will really be a sensation on my hand when i wake up. btw, i experience alot of dé·jà vu. not just the image but the position, feelings, sound, smell and temperature are all exactly. that's why i say most of the time i can really dream of the future but i don't really say it out. i don't want to alter anything that is suppose to happen. however, ironically, in my dreams i have the power to control whatever outcomes.

now i'm really hungry. gotta go and meet them to eat and study. btw, to those who are afraid that i will snatch grace from that guy, don't worry. i guess i've matured alot. she's not a thing. i'm not going to snatch or win her. now i'm just so happy that i can talk to her.

Saturday, October 19, 2002

Good, better, best – never rest
Until good is better, and better is best
– Nursery Rhyme

tim deboom won again. natascha badmann won again. amazing. i woke up so early on a sunday morning just to check this results of the Ironman world championship at Kona, Hawaii. seeing all these people make me want to change my ambition. instead of completing an ironman by age 30 i decided to make it complete an ironman in hawaii by age 30. that would means that i have to do another one to qualify for the hawaii ironman. oh, that bubbly lisa bentley is sixth. she look like so erm..bubbly and optimistic that it seem like she's able to make people around her feel the same way too.

my brain is pretty empty now. feeling sleepy again. perhaps i will just go back to sleep till lunch time.

Thursday, October 17, 2002

woah. approximately 8km run in 39mins 07 secs. pretty fast but i'm sure(and i want) to do better. i only had the advantage of cool weather with me. i was still suffering from muscle aches due to tuesday's intervals and i didn't eat anything in the 5 hours prior to today's run. in fact, the thing that i'm so proud of myself today is that i refuse to give up. which means i have become stronger (mentally). in the past i always give up whenever i think i can't take it. it's about my mind instead of my body. today, i hang out despite the tight calfs i had in the first 2km. i continued to struggle through stitch and breathlessness. a round of applause for myself.

yao is amazed by how people can run marathons at 2hrs plus. it's kind of shocking but it's still possible. i will be happy enough if i can do a marathon within 3hrs by the age of 30. it seems like there are so many things i want to accomplish by the age of 30. now i'm just wondering if i should do the quarter marathon or the half marathon. i'm tempted to go for the half marathon(21km) but i don't know if i will have the time for the training. if i do want to do it, i will actually have to train in midst of A level examinations. it's possible but it's kind of risking energy for training in lieu of As(trainings are tiring if you don't realise). on the last day of As should be the taper week, which means no hard training. tough choice. i will have to draw up a plan later to see if it's feasible. i'm going to be competitive against time. i don't want to go there just to stroll.

"don't give me instructions. you chose not to do it." - a phrase from the lady in 'amazing race'. i love the 'amazing race'. perhaps it's because seeing those people run around with backpacks substitute my desire to go backpacking. oh, back to the phrase. i've seen too many a times people giving instructions. i guess a rude way of replying back to these people will be "if you are so good at it why don't you do it?". however i still love that "don't give me instructions.".

i'm going to watch 'universal soldiers 2' till 12am and i hope that i can mug all the way till 6am before i fall asleep.

last night after i went offline, i couldn't sleep. in fact, i guess it's that i want to make up for the lost time i sleep in the morning. i have been waking up at noon everyday. i thought since i spent my whole morning sleeping, why not make best use of the night to study? it's so peaceful and quiet. just me, myself and i. not bad. studied maths till 4am before i really couldn't take it and went to bed. i didn't exactly fall asleep immediately. i did some thinking (as usual).

i realised why i'm such a bad listener recently. i'm preoccupied with my own trouble. most of the time those problems are going through in my mind so i don't exactly have the mood to listen. i also realised that why i haven't been speaking to people about my troubles. people around me are the Mr. Solution. they give me the solutions they think are correct and expect me to forget about my troubles and maybe start listening to theirs. i guess when people encounter trouble, this is the last thing they want.

this is what i normally do when people approach me when they encounter problems. it's a fine line separating this method and Mr. Solution but this definitely works. we should stop whatever is going through our own mind (if we prefer not to stop thinking we should just say so. it beats pretending to be listening.) and listen to our friends. it's not just about listening and nodding your head. when they permit(or we can ask for permission), we should give our own personal opinion. it should not represent what should our dear friends have to do or not to do. it's suppose to be neutral. real neutral. if we can't move ourselves to the neutral ground, forget about being a listener. most likely we will end up like Mr. Solution who gives solution his way. next is what i love and perhaps do best. bring the poor fellow out of his misery and make him look at the problems from another perspective. again i must stress that it should be a neutral perspective. then again if our friend is someone who have his own solutions and just want to speak his mind, this step is, of course, unnecessary.

communication with fellow human beings is just so complex. like i say, there's a always a fine line between giving solutions and helping that person. (it's different. get it?) there also lies a fine line between being someone who listen and someone who just daydream in front of a speaker. also, don't forget that helping people is not like the more the merrier. too much comments end up giving that person an impression that you are just trying to speak your own mind instead of listening to him. trust me. that person will never look for you again when they are troubled again. soon you may even realise you are the one always giving solutions and yet there isn't any takers.

Wednesday, October 16, 2002

anyone interested to go running with me? i'm thinking of the quarter marathon or even half-marathon. there will be finisher medals given so it's like something you can be proud of. however it's kind of expensive. S$40. not charity or what. www.singaporemarathon.com. please tell me if you want to. this is not crazy but fun. i truly enjoyed my 8.8km terryfox run the other time.

Hawaii Kona Ironman championships is up in two days time. wonder who will be the winner. it intrigues me because it's really a race to be a superman or superwoman. i wish i can take part in it by age 30. btw, here's my favourite website to get to know so much more about triathlon ( the supremo of all sports as i call it). xtri.com. i just learnt that i'm not doing enough warming up. no wonder for those aching muscles. time for a change in training style.

bored. plain bored. perhaps i haven't been online for so long that it seem to me that there's so many things to look at. i guess i won't be bored tomorrow. my sis bought this set of vcd 'my MVP valentine'. i asked her to wait for me to watch together. pretty lousy show but interesting enough for me. i enjoy too many shows.

i'm actually doing online quizzes now. now i realise, through these quizes, that i'm actually a 70% slacker and a 40% baddie.

now i just wish i can just go chit chatting on the phone. by chit chatting, i mean nothing about academics, my mistakes, rumours, complaints and all-about-you conversation.

Scott Molina was right. leg cramps sucks. my legs hurt today. tomorrow still have to go for my 8km long run. you know, once this training thing start going, i just feel like training 24hrs. how i wish i can be a pro athlete. just train everyday. do the things you like everyday. isn't it like heaven?

i experienced something real scary last night. at about 1am, i can really feel beings in my room. i knew i wasn't alone in the room. (physically i am.) first i heard something growling. not actually growling but it sound like handphone vibrating on the table( i did realise i switch off my hp). next, i saw this shawdow walking past right in front of me and for the next feel seconds, i couldn't control my body. i can just stare at the space in front of me and watch the shadow leave the room. btw, if you haven't heard of this, my parents and relative told me that when i was young, everytime when the family pay respects to my grandmother, i told them i could see her sitting there eating. bleah. i better stop this. it's late at night and i'm the only one in my family awake now.

hmm. these two days i have been experiencing weird feelings. it's like sometime out of the blue i can just have those kind of feelings that i used to have when i look at grace or when i talk to her. perhaps i don't know how to phrase it. it sounds so unbelievable. bleah. anyway i really swore that i'm not going to call her anymore. the urge was there these two days but i sort of like put it away by doing something else. i must really get out of this grace thingy fast. it's not as if there's no more feelings for her but she's still the best so far. i'm so jealous of that guy.

hmm..talking to eq about how i don't talk about my troubles. first thing is i don't trust anyone. then again, is it because i'm afraid of being portrayed as weak?hmm..maybe this is going to make me sleepless tonight. so far i don't think because i'm afraid of being seen as weak (who will admit). btw, i made that above statement from a unbiased me within erm...me. btw, eq blog is really good. guess she's really straightforward. alot of things she say are actually what i wanted to say but there's this invisible force holding me back. if only i'm as eloquent.

(15 Oct 2002 9pm. comp down can't get online so for the late posting)
ha. plugging the main power cable out of my computer certainly works. especially for lazy bums like me. nowadays i'm so lazy even to get the cable and plug it in so that i can switch on the computer. perhaps that explain why i haven't been updating my blog. btw, i plug the power cable out so that my sis can concentrade on preparing her exams instead of wasting time in front of the computer. actually it's also something to help myself. at least now i read instead of rotting in front of the comp when i feel bored.

Nikki was right. whenever we feel down we should just pick up a book and start reading. it's really therapeutic.

my tri-training is back in place (and my legs are so super tired now). here's a review of what i did the last 3 days. it isn't alot but i guess it's alot for someone who have laid dormant for so long.
sunday (13) : long bike. 50km approx. with rest though cause it's a group outing.

Thursday, October 10, 2002

can you believe that i actually like to watch 'real room' and 'oliver twist'? they are some shows from London. 'real room' is how a group of people go about helping others to design their house and 'oliver twist' is about this guy who will teach you how to cook. maybe it's just because i watch them while i am having my lunch. i have to switch on the TV when i'm having meal. even if i'm going to rush through my meal, i will still switch it on. weird.

watched 'the transporter'. lousy show but i like the plot because i'm sort of like fantasizing myself as Frank, the transporter. i think it's a very cool profession. wears a suit, drives a BMW with all the stunts, makes quick deals (lengthy discussion sucks), executes mission with such precision, works alone, lives alone in a castle looking house facing the sea. woo~

i always aspire to be a mafia but i think it's kind of hard to be one in singapore. maybe i will just be those mastermind. then again, i will be very satisfied if i can just have my own garage with my own Mitsubishi, BMW and a Honda bike(those with 2 front ventilated disc brakes), a time trial bike and a mountain bike.

hmm. jessie commented that i may look shy on the outside but wild on the inside. ya. i'm actually wild but not those kind of partying wild. i like extreme games. i want to dive and skydive and race. that kind of wild. even kristie can tell that i'm those quiet. so you see, pubbing is really not me.

Wednesday, October 09, 2002

You dont have to love in words,
because even through the silences,
love is always heard.

argh!!!!!!stupid connection. i type one whole blog and because of the connection i can't publish it so i cut it and reconnect. now i forgot about the cut and cut something else instead. argh. frustrating.
i won't be bothered to re-type what i typed just now. i type these blogs based on my feelings at that exact instance. no point re-typing.
i go and prepare for my nightly tv programme - Busan Asiad highlights followed by Taiwan variety shows. singapore should have more lax rules about the freedom of speech. there's so many things celebrities can't say on their own shows. no wonder people like me enjoy watching taiwan variety programmes. btw, if you have noticed, channel 8 actually start using more Taiwanese host in their shows. however, i don't think we can call that singaporean show. we need our own hosts.

three main (typical) reasons why people started doing triathlons (or for my case training for one):
1) we woke up one fine morning and realised that we lack purpose in our lives.
2) we did cross-training for the sports we are into due to injury and fell in love with cross-training (similar to triathlon training).
3) to keep fit. (not really applicable to me though.)

Saturday, October 05, 2002

to people who are my real friends, good news. to those who hate to the core, bad news. i found my motivation to start studying and training. however i guess it can only commence after my hangover is erm over. looking at people studying really motivate me to study. i don't know but the feeling of friends encouraging and pushing each other to study really spur me on. as for the training part, reading and seeing about athletes competing and their preparation for the on going Asian games motivated me. i have a dream which i call the tri-dream. i aspire to complete olympic distance triathlon (1.5km swim-40km bike-10km run) in under 2:30 by age 25 and to complete a Ironman (2.4mi swim - 112mi bike - 26.2mi run) by age 30.

then again. something sucks. i'm having problems with my feet. my left achilles tendon hurts alot. left foot in pain after that day when i kick the door frame and my right foot at the arch hurts. what a thing to experience when i just began to love running. i hope i will go swimming in the morning then maybe settle down somewhere to do abit of academic work. i think i had enough of fun. lingzhi (someone whom i didn't expect) actually asked me to stop hanging out with those party friends and start preparing for As. she give me the impression of a hedonist. haha. now my view changed.

wow~a night out at centro. i heard that it's a place i can't enter till five years later. thanks to our new found funny friends.cheers~

i got so drunk. this time it's worse than that time at zouk. i actually vomitted. but still it was so fun. i didn't dance. no mood. just sit down and drink and drink. i was so sober till around 10:45pm when the free flow is about to end. i decided to camp at the bar which is already so crowded. i queued for so long for my drinks. then this (these) girl came along. stood near me. ok. i admitted that she was rubbing her shoulders on me. it was smooth(how about that). then she look at me, smile and ask me such a foolish question, "do i queue up here if i want to get a drink?" after i say yes then she say she will get help me get my drink. so much so for someone who don't know where to queue for drinks. oh. her name is christine. i didn't even remember to ask until my friend ask me what's their name. oh, her friend is audreline(hack. i don't know how to spell that.). if i knew that my friend will dump me after my camp at the bar i would have join the girls. so i go back to the table. saw no one around and start picking up those glasses which are still full of mix. should have asked for their numbers so that i can have more friends. bleah. thought i can find them. never mind. still fun.

now from a shyboy i become the 'silent killer'. besides christine. i also noticed another exec-looking girl staring at me during my camp. too bad i was more interested in my drinks than saying hi. so just a smile will do.

i don't know when i woke up. perhaps at lau pa sa. they were like talking about some auntie thingy. it was so funny that i laugh till i woke up i think. now i'm still tired and i'm still trying to piece everything that happen last night together.

"You're a Subtle Flirt. Utterly charming, you know how to have a little fun while remaining discreet. " emode test

Thursday, October 03, 2002

"'Cause you bring out
The best in me
Like no-one else can do
That's why I'm by your side
And that's why I love you"

is that a reason for love?

finally had a proper meal. have been suffering from "malnutrition" a week ago. eating instant noodles everyday is not giving me the nutrition needed to do my training. i'm still suffering from weak legs from the 40k bike training last night. oh yes..don't ever cycle along the road beyond national sailing centre at east coast park on lonely nights like yesterday. it's creepy. can you imagine cycling along a dark and long road and then suddenly there's sound from beside you and water started splashing on your face? didnt plan for yesterday training ride. i was feeling so down yesterday. i planned to go there just to listen to the waves and relax.

i think i'm degrading myself these days. the big problem is i don't know why i'm doing so. i sleep alot. lock myself at home lying on the bed. not studying. not doing anything constructive to my brain. anyway i think alot of my brain cells are dead from the 40.5deg fever i had last year and the 41deg fever i had this year. or maybe it's because of VJC that make me so "sian" (don't know what other words i can use) these days. i need to wake up soon for my A levels are really reaching. no one is as insane as me to play now. so now i'm all alone again.

being lonely is dangerous. i realise that a lot of negative things that people do are simply because they are lonely. and all these things that they do will make them irritating and they will start losing friends. it's like a vicious cycle. no. in fact its not a cycle. these lonely people will just end up ruining their lives. maybe they will start killing people. i don't care. i just don't want to be a killer soon. so, i need to get out of this loneliness real fast.

oh well, if you have visited yao's blog you will know that i was interested in this girl call jessie.she's really pretty. brains, looks, figure(abit off maybe), money. she got them all.wow. she really know how to "dian"(electrify) people. i was like telling my buddy how i thought my heartbeat was so fast at coffee bean that time. is she staring at me or is it something about me that's weird or is it that she's starting because i have been staring?haha. oh well, that night, by looking at her i realise there're more women than grace. but after waking up from my drunk state, it's back to grace. damn it.

never mind. i'm getting over her.

i'm finally doing this. have this thought for quite long but i'm just lazy to use the HTML. i hope this will be a gateway to all my problems. i had enough of keeping everything to myself. i don't seem to like to talk about my things in front of other humans. i need space to breathe. i'm just so young.

now it's my turn to have renovation upstairs. my buddy has been enduring it. bleah. i bet they have more than 2 drills working at the same time. anyway, this renovation is helping me to confirm the decision that i'm not going to attend the chemistry mock exam tomorrow. i'm not prepared and i don't have the mood to prepare, let alone sit for it.

this is bad. yesterday while i was chatting on the phone and while i was daydreaming in that useless GP remedial class, i, subconciously, began to keep writing the word 'grace'. damn it. i swear i'm going to get over her. i guess i will start a section and start telling stories about her.oh well, by the way, she's still the best i ever seen. she really know how to hurt me but i don't know why i will forgive her after sometime. i watched ally mcbeal the other day and this is one of the conversation the characters have :
"why do i keep forgiving you again and again for the things that you have done to hurt me?"
"that's because you love me."
no. i don't love grace. im not ready to sacrifice my life for that. it's simply a big infatuation.

back exploring this blogger thingy. i guess the construction workers are having their lunch break now.