maybe all these while i've kept myself so busy i have no time to think about it.

i haven been home much.

and parents are complaining already. and the cycle goes on again.

this christmas, i wish that i can turn back the hands of time, to lie in your arms again.

only you can ease my pain.

left the car at home today. hitch a ride, hung out with friends, took a bus home. took a walk home.

it was the kind of "me" time i needed much. never had that for a very long time. i used to think that i need to do something to get me away from thinking. probably i just didn't want the world to see my loneliness and emptiness. midnight drive never really get me thinking. it just got me distracted, for a while.

in the 1.5hours of reflection, i figured i've lost my focus. funny nobody ever told me that. maybe because i always seem so focused. the irony. i know what i wanted but do i really work towards it? i wanted to be good. really good at something. it kinda sucks when nobody ask u anything but has plenty of question for the person sitting next to you. it kinda sucks when no one really can strike up a conversation with you based on what you are good at. either i have a very unapproachable face or everyone thinks i'm an empty shell.

where was the passion i had when i was 19? when i set my ironman goals, set my career goals! maybe it was the evil dollar sign that kill all these simple dreams.

i always wanted a simple home i can rest my body and soul. i don't want to come back to a house where i only want to come back when everyone else is either asleep or out. the silence that echo is deafening.

i almost completed that dream.

i trashed it with my bare hands.

and now i have to lament about it.

is that part of growing old?

and this space is filling up fast. it is just another sign of loneliness.

i've made a very terrible mistake. out of foolishness. i've said things which i don't mean.

and i totally regretted this.

i would give up anything to have it back but things just keep on happening. things that portray the wrong impression of what i'm actually feeling.

bleah. maybe i'm just a confused and lost individual.

let me find myself back first. then i will find you.

would you wait for me?

i've came to realise i'm a selfish person all along. i have never taken into account what others want. it is always about what i want. it didn't occur to me that even if people do not voice out their wants, it does not necessarily means that they do not want it. they are merely keeping quiet about it.

and i do miss my family. i guess my memory of my family are pretty short.

my grandfather. my memory of him is when he brought me to the airport early morning for breakfast when i was around 5? and all the chess game that he won me even though he gave me alot of headstarts. that was at 12. that's about it.

my father. there was once i went for a run with him. and after that, we stopped by the carpark to help the neighbour change a punctured tire. that was when i was 7.

my mother. i used to go to the market with her every time she goes, when im doing afternoon sessions for school. that was when i was 9

my brother. we avoided going to grandma's place on sunday and stayed at home to catch formula1. that was when i was 12

my sister. i remember going downstairs to pick her up every evening. i will hold her hand and bring her home. that was when i was 12.

i love my family. maybe it just because i don't know how to communicate with them. or maybe it was that few incidents that caused me to stop talking altogether. the hurt that i get is probably not what everyone can go through. i'm trying very hard but everytime little things that reminds me of that particular day, i will give up.

and i know i will never be able to move on without resolving this whole issue. it is causing me not to open up to people and people are beginning to find me odd. i have to admit, i'm a tough nut to crack. it is extremely difficult to understand me. i don't understand myself sometimes.

i wish we could have iron-ed this out together.

and i hope.