Monday, March 27, 2006

random pics part 3


old and rusted and broken.


if lighting is a little better and i can't see myself in the reflection, i would have loved this.



"do you want to listen?"
this is my favourite!

random pics part 2 (my racer bike)


not good. everything is black. can't see shit.


i like this quite a lot. can be used for wall paper right?

random pics

insomnia sets in again. it's 5am and i can't sleep yet again. decide to fool around with my ixus40.



obviously someone had done this before. but i just thought that it's so nice.



window blinds.



nailed.

Sunday, March 26, 2006


i can't take my eyes off this picture which i saw in "triathlete" magazine. the body is damn toned and healthy! i shall work towards that.

anyway, did double training on friday and i fell in love with it. it started out as a "be happy" day as i was pretty stressed with quite a number of things. went home early in the morning, went to the pool and did some high intensity swim training. after that, i just basked in the sun for an hour or so. i did feel very happy but i still couldn't sleep. so by 4pm, i went out for a run. lazy to do a long run for the fear that i might think too much about things. so went to the park and did intervals. 2 X 1.3km intervals. omg! as fun as it is, i almost fainted in the afternoon heat. that was enough to knock me out all the way till sat noon.

end results? i was perpetually feeling hungry the whole weekend and it was very obvious that my stomach went flat. i shall continue to keep it up and achieve that kind of stomach as shown above.

one more motivating picture. i hope to train until my legs look like this!


screwed bio-clock though. now i'm always sleeping from 1800H to midnight and awake for the rest of the day. not a bad thing though. can accomplished more things than all my other weird or normal sleeping patterns.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

i know i'm..........

in a phase,
when,
1) i sleep alot
2) i eat alot
3) i drink (alcohol) alot


in bad mood,
when,
1) i can't sleep
2) i can't think properly
3) i feel like punching the person who was in my way


able to take care of myself,
when,
1) i sensed the above and started packing bag to go home at 0730H
2) try to go run and swim and do happy things
3) blocked out unhappy thoughts


went for a drink, hoping that i will have an easier time falling asleep. however, it's now 0730H and i can't sleep. bleah. decided that i should pack my bag and go home. alot alot of thoughts went through my mind as i shut out from the world and thought about myself this whole week.

i realised,

i'm damn insecure. and money give me security. or should i say the lack of it give me insecurity. whichever the case.

i miss and love my parents. out of nowhere, i keep thinking about my mum and dad and realised i've done them wrong by not being happy.

i was in love with lain. when she go on and on yakking about her own life, i was damn attentive. when some other women do the same, i feel damn irritated. when i know that she fall sick, i feel quite sad. when i know that i made her laugh, i smile. when i recall that priceless image on her face when i gave her the watch on vday, i feel warm. however, i asked myself, what if she comes back? there will be nothing because i've moved on.

when you have no feeling for someone, no matter how much you are touched by his/her actions, you will never have the feelings. i was very touched that she bring me dvds when she know i'm bored, that she support and encourage my endeavours for my passion and that she delivered soyabean milk at midnight from geylang to my hostel. but i STILL don't feel anything!
all i felt was that God sent her down for me. to let me see alot of things from a new point of view. to let me be in lain's shoes. to let me know that how it is like to love and be loved.

on another note,

i love google video. found a great deal of triathlon races highlights. great motivations! singapore biathlon is on sunday. i'm rather apprehensive. slacked too long. i hate it when shit happens and disrupt my training. bleah. will be going for 2 short trainings later. if i feel good for them, i will participate on sunday. if not, i shall just be a spectator and torture myself seeing how others chase their dreams.

i've overcame the gluttony, now i must overcome the sloth.

Monday, March 20, 2006

being awake at 5:30am and doing financial accounting while trying to recall some electrical engineering equations i read last night, i wonder about something.

why did we log on to msn messenger?

personally, this ingenious software is for me to realise that i'm sane and still in contact with the world. this software is also my source of entertainment as i do alot of crapping and laughing as i utilise it. but right now, at 5:30am, i know there will not be any soul online. why did i log on to it then? or in fact, why do some people log on to msn messenger and put themselves on away mode all the time? what's the point then? waiting for someone whom you want to talk to and yet don't want all the blinking orange bars at the bottom of your monitor? then there are some people out there who seem to say hi to everyone, only that the conversation stop after you return the greetings.

are we all just lonely?

and didn't have the courage to face it?

Sunday, March 19, 2006

cherish the one you have or go after the one you wanted or wait for a better one?

life is tough. full of decisions which i'm already sick of.


mythuy has quite a few very nice thoughts. check them out. i enjoy reading them.


hasn't been able to sleep well lately. for that fact, i have been on the bed at the wrong times of the day. right now, thinking about 3 things bring me insomnia.

firstly, my fitness or the discipline for it. really, thus far, i haven't put my head down for it. i really want to train for it but i can't help but when it comes to the time to do it, i feel rather unmotivated. i don't know why. maybe it's the lack of a partner to do it. or maybe it's the worry that it might turn out to be a sucky session. just don't know. most of the time i'm very motivated. it is only the time JUST BEFORE i step out to train. that's the hurdle i must cross everytime. maybe recently it helps alot when i have a supporter or someone who constantly ask me about my training. thank you.

secondly, i realised i really spend too much. maybe i still cannot get used to the student lifestyle. i can't resist all the chilling out session at bars and etc. it's really expensive to chill out i guess. for example, just a simple chill out session turn out to be a $30 bill just now. i love those sessions. i must start to save. really. it's all the nitty gritty stuff that's eating my money away. it's all these little things that we wouldn't take note. individual issues aside, i find it hard to collect the money i've loaned out. not that i'm feeling too rich and don't want my money, i want them! it's just that when i ask for my money back, people seem to answer me in a tone as if i'm the one owing them. i mean, it's my money, can't i get it back? or rather, how did they live using others' money? for me personally, if i borrow money from someone, for sure, i will let him/her know when i will be able to return and my purpose for it. i will keep harping on it. even if someone offer to foot the bill first, i will keep bugging him/her that i still owe him/her money. why in the world are there people who can use others' money and live with it? amazing.

lastly, i think the comparing spirit is in me. i don't know to blame my mum for that. since primary school days, i will be compared against everyone. EVERYONE. it's like, if i get 98% for my test, she will go, "if people can get 100% why can't you?". no, i'm not bitching about my mum. i mean, i'm VERY THANKFUL that she pushed me so hard during my younger days. i wouldn't be able to get to where i am now if not for that. it was until JC years that she gave me 100% freedom on my academics. that is also the time my grades start to fall. now i'm feeling damn guilty that i'm not making full use of the brains i have. bleah. anyway, about competitiveness, when i go to class, i make sure i know more shit than others, else i don't go. perhaps that's the reason why my attendance is so poor. if i don't know nuts, i don't go. when i play, i play hard. if i can't play hard, i don't go out at all. how can i stop comparing myself against others and learn to live in my own world, learn to be concerned only with myself. bleah.

Saturday, March 18, 2006

was reading my favourite magazine after a lousy run. inspiring articles can do wonders to keep you motivated.

a few qoutes for myself to bear in mind.

1) when you don't train for a long time, it's easy to get injured if you don't start slowly.

2) true strength and ultimate success in our sport are derivatives of persistence.

3) when triathletes sit idle, they rust.

4) training for triathlon scratches the surface of what we are capable of in our lives and our sport. this itch will grow as we scratch it.

5) one season does not make a triathlon career make - or break.

6) Aristotle was right: "we are what we repeatedly do."

and also somethings someone told me. "what's the point for you to train so hard and then you party them away?"

i feel damn motivated.

Friday, March 17, 2006

why do women need so much attention?

why do women like to bring "potential" and partners to meet all their friends?

why do women want to know about what's happening all the time?

bleah. troublesome creatures. now i know why i always have committment phobia.

anyway, things have been damn damn damn good lately. first, most prob i will be chairperson for cycling sub-club next yr. then now i was informed to take over as chairperson for sailing.

all these news came at the right time.

this has been a damn good week!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

for once, i really thought about settling down with someone. damn.

long story short. i met someone in a club last week. first few impressions were rather mixed. damn matured, thoughtful, nice (too nice in fact) but rather lian-ish.

i thought it will just be another fling. (i'm sorry if you see this but that was really the VERY first thought that night and i don't want to lie)

it turned out to be that she really touched me. omg. haven't seen such a nice person for damn long. GENUINELY nice that is. really. she didn't do much things but i was really touched. now that she told me that she's very concerned that she's not getting a "status" from me, she feel very uneasy. sidenote, this is also the best thing i like about her. we are damn frank. nothing to hide. i've never felt so easy telling someone the COMPLETE truth. we talk. we communicate. damn good la!

when she asked me how is she different from the other girls in my life. i was thinking, really hard. i don't know to say if it's love versus loneliness. the feeling is really different.

anyway, i think it's just me. i think i have committment phobia. i don't know. i'm really very afraid that i will lose all these freedom i have now. ok la, this gal gave me alot of freedom. so much so that i have to tell her to stop letting me have my way.

love is just weird and funny.

i don't know what i should do. i don't want to commit just because i don't want to let someone so nice get disappointed and sad. meanwhile, like what she and her buddy said, we have moved too far to be without a status.

bleah~

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

this planet is no longer getting lonely. maybe that's why i have been blogging less. i actually have alot of thoughts in my mind but i simply couldn't piece them together while i was here.

anyway, i've seen alot of things about myself through a separate point of view. S told me alot about her friends, then i realised, i haven't taken into account how others think when i was doing the same thing. i have to admit i realised quite a bit about myself.

i trained yesterday and today and they almost took my life away. it's so BLARDY HOT! i went cycling yesterday, it was so hot that my 2 water bottles which can normally last me for the whole 50km loop went dry before 30th km mark. i got to stop and get a drink. cold sweet drinks do wonder to your body when your body is tired and dried and hot! power dropped yesterday. i supposed it's the lack of training, alcohol and minumum will be due to the heat.

i swam today. could hardly move beyond 500m. so i simply stopped and suntan. haha. i guess i ahve to stay away from spicy food. they really cause indigestion and cause my stomach to feel so bad that i couldn't move. i'm so in the mood to train now but i'm just a little worried (or perhaps it's phobia) about singapore biathlon next weekend. hope it will be good. and this NUS triathlon is really pushing me to train hard. the blardy 60km bike and the 15km run. 60km is enough to shag me out.

anyway, was just thinking about a very sweet thing my mum did last week. when i went home last weekend, i actually found this pack of corn removers on my table. mum bought it because she knew that the warts on my feet came back. i mean, although i used to ask her to get it for me, it's sweet because she just did it. heh.

Friday, March 10, 2006

i don't know why.

i've lost the drive to do anything. i mean anything. i don't know. i don't know what i want to do. i don't even want to keep on sleeping. this is bad. maybe i'm trying too hard to find myself. i don't know what went missing suddenly.

it's like i want to be left alone yet not really alone.

it's like i want to do something yet i don't want to do anything.

it's like i have so much to whine yet i have nothing to whine.

it's like i want to cry yet i want to be strong.

maybe i shouldn't try to figure myself out all the time. it get very tiring.

i just want to be tucked into bed each night, with someone telling me that everything is good and fine and tmr is a better day.

i was brought up being taught that i must be strong all the time. this value was so deeply inculcated that i don't know how to be weak. it's like carbon fibre. i can't have a crack like metal. i am strong but when the stress on the carbon fibre reaches it's threshold, i shattered! i don't bend or deformed. i shatter.

and i shattered.

right now, i would rather much be locked away in a jail cell. to let me think. to let me not bother about too many things.

let me hug u to sleep.

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

don't drink and drive. they are not kidding. it's really dangerous!

we went out for a chill out session. halfway through it, when i already had quite a few drinks, K passed his car keys to me. damn. the drive home was rather scary. i thought it's me but he told me that his wheels ain't aligned and that caused me to keep drifting to the left. got to be honest, my reaction instinct was clearly affected. all braking was hard and late. anyway, i've understood why they always like to drive even when we go out for the night. because it's so convenient!!! damn. lately i'm damn tempted to get my own car. the only thing stopping me from that is i rather wait for a better one. my principle, either take the good one or don't.

i realised why i'm so sick of school. because it can't give me the kind of adrenaline i need. we chatted about work. chatted about how we managed all the crisis and stuff. it's so exciting!!! i remembered how we used to talk about the crisis after we've solved them. everyday after work is all about discussing how to best handle a situation. damn. if only each day is about prevent the buildings from collapsing, then things might be a little more fun.

a little more excitement.


Monday, March 06, 2006

school is seriously a waste of time.

my mum once scolded me for not doing my homework and instead, reading articles about cars and such online.

lain once told me that it's a waste of my time when i choose to read Triathlete magazine instead of reading my books.

last week, i proved both of them wrong.

sc was doing a Final Year Project on some wheelchair thing. he approached me to ask me about prices of some bicycle stuff. after checking with him what he wanna do (a wheelchair suitable for cross country terrain), i gave up some other alternatives which are much cheaper, hassle free, useful and efficient. i introduced to him the concept of carbon fibres and managed to explain some science behind it. he asked me how come i know so much about such structures and such when i'm only in year one engineering. hai~ the things people thought we can only learn from school.

then yesterday, K's car broke down. it just wouldn't start. so i, being a busybody whenever someone will want to open the bonnet, took a look around the engine bay and even sticking my hands around the parts. i must say i have absolutely no idea what happen. i just took a look around and managed to isolate some problems simply based on understanding on how the engine of a car works. apparently i was right. seconded by another car enthusiast. quite fun. learnt alot. now i also want to have a car of my own and do funny things to it. it's so fun.

somebody bring me out from school. i rather be a mechanic. fiddling around with things i like and away from politics. don't you think that the more literated (more affectionately but wrongly known as educated) a person is, the wilder is his/her quest for power and wealth, and such, causing a drop in moral values and other intangible things.

had a good time at "barstop" with my colleagues. haven't caught up with them for so long. it's good just to sit and chat about life and cars, joke about everything and have a good time. no mention of work. not at all. my mind was 100% there. it's great. no need to put up a facade for defence. all of us had our air time for our stories. we plan about trips. we share ideas and opportunities.

bleah

Sunday, March 05, 2006

was just reading all my old entries for year 2004. came upon this entry that make me understand why i was rather pissed off with lain.

"
you know, there's something really great about M. she's so straightforward that she will tell you your dirty mistake right smack in your face and she will really say 'fuck off' (exact words) if you really pissed her off. i've learn quite alot to be a better guy from her.

anyway, i've met some great girls. ladies, would you ever say "thanks for calling" at the end of a conversation or a sweet "thank you" if someone said he called just to say hi? have you been taking the effort of the male counterpart for granted? appreciative ladies turn me on! in fact, would you ladies still bother to look into the eyes and say "thank you" after the gentleman had sent you home for the tenth time or you only do it the first few times? would you even bother to wait for him to turn his back on you before you close the door or you are just in a hurry to shut the door and mind your business? pardon me but i'm just very particular about the very fine details in human behavior. you can tell me straight in the face about my mistakes too but watch your tone. it's a fine line between trying to help me or showing me that you are unhappy with me. you can always look for M for advice about that.

"

i realised that the feeling she gave me wasn't as strong as the one G gave me. maybe not even as much as this M gave me.


Friday, March 03, 2006

i deleted everything that i've intended to post. because i don't want to read about it.

i thought i've gotten over it but i haven't.

i'm not talking about clubbing. or rather, clubbing make me realised that. i mustn't be weak. i must be strong.

we just can't explain certain things.

everything could have been prevented if i didn't meet her. i thought i wanted to prove to myself that i've gotten over it, so i met her. wrong move.

we should never try to prove ourselves. we should just believe in ourselves.

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

(continued from the previous post below)

last few metres to the finishline. i gave all i had.


finally, it was all worth it. as much as i seemed to be smiling, i almost fainted (literally) once past the cameraman. my head was so damn light and my legs are so damn soft that i slump into the chair and took like a minute to catch my breath.

i will definitely do it again. and hope that more people will join me!

NUS Biathlon pics. been trying damn long to share but this blogger just wouldn't let me.


swim exit. don't be deceived. at this point i was so disorientated that i was about to puke and walk in a zig zag manner. this is the best pic that don't show that i'm that fat. damn. i really must cut the weight. the belly and fats ain't easy to get rid of man.


out of the transition area. still giddy and disorientated. i can't feel blood in my legs. my legs are refusing to move. now i believe them when they say that when we swim, all the blood will be pumped to our upper body to fuel the arms. at this point, i was so shagged that when Junyong was kind enough to offer me some redbull, i simply waved him off.

this is now about noon. this is the hottest part of the course. no shade or trees whatsoever. just you fighting against the sun and yourself. the wind from the coast didn't seem to help at all. DAMN HOT. thankfully by this point of time i've already settled into my rhythm. moving good.

(to be continued. blogger don't seem to allow me to post all pics in a single post.)

NUS Sports Club is mad. NUS Triathlon is going to be 1.5km swim, 60km bike and 15km run. omg! dash my hopes for a sub 3hrs. now i must think about my new goals. 15km sounds ALOT more daunting than 1okm. maybe because 15 is near to 21 (half marathon). anyway, fret not, i believe i can do it. trainings these 2 days have been damn good. did a HIT (high intensity training) run last night involving flats and hills. i would say finally i can carry the momentum through. my will is beating my body. since i have no heart rate monitor, i simply trained till a point where i almost puke. that's high intensity.

did some resistance cycling just now. drizzle forced me to stopped me from going for one more round. not bad too. managed to keep the power high all the time. i think i need some physical evidence. damn tempted to get some HRM and power meter to monitor my training. maybe i shall reward myself if i do well for NUS and Osim Triathlon. first time i'm taking all my trainings so seriously. the motivation is back. NUS Biathlon did it's job of boosting my motivation and also jump start my training. just goes to show that season planning is essential.

however, my right hip flexor is still giving me alot of problems. it still feel strained and it's causing some unbalance and thus, pain in other muscles. bleah. i must stretch more.

i must do it.