i'm afraid. very afraid. i'm afraid i will grow to become like A. our characters are so much alike and signs are beginning to show. i have never been unable to sleep just because troubles are on my mind. now i can't sleep every other night. and thinking about A's future is pretty depressing. hers is gone. it's almost impossible for her to have a good future unless luck is with her. this is the first time i see somebody's future really gone. if i were her, i probably have the same suicidal tendency and escapism. it's amazing enough that she's still standing alive. i just wish that luck is with her. meanwhile, she's still my clubbing khaki and you should have seen how we club. i'm like her nanny. lol. i'm glad that she's beginning to have trust in me. for people like us, it's not easy to gain our trust and likings.

anyway, i guess i'm going to talk about my characters less. i hate it when people begin judging me. no one judges me. and i hate it even more when people try to analyse me. when people judge, at least they have a basis for their conclusion. but for people who analyse, they are just looking at me through their own tinted glasses. so, don't even try to analyse me. when i trust you enough, i will let you know who i really am. or in fact, if you are able to win my trust, you have already known who i really am.

guy beware when you go party. just two pieces of news i just received.
1) alcohol can be bad for your sperms
2) a guy i know from A got spiked from his drinks and he woke up in Hotel 81 with money all gone.

darn. what a dangerous world it can get but it was all expected (except for the sperms thingy). it's not as if i want to put zouk down but i guess zouk need a revamp for its physical appearance. also, the crowd is zouk has been getting dangerous. first i see prostitues, then i saw drugs and next i heard of someone lying in hotel with money all gone.

anyway, i shall stop talking about all these things related to clubbing. firstly, it's going to bore most people out as most people don't find fun the way i do. next, it will be able to allow me to forget it and continue with my rest. i still have to be an example to A and make sure she rest.

bleah. i haven't had much deep thinking for long. can't remember what i want to say that's from my heart. or maybe it's some things i choose not to publicly announce.

anyway, to hear a cheerful and chirpy voice from a depressed person is really uplifting.

it's been a hell of a weekend. party my super long weekend through and now i'm really exhausted. been at lola and centro for 3 nights till 6am. i'm going to fulfill my promise of taking a 2 week break from my whisky and blaring music as my favourite clubbing partner is promising me that too. i'm glad that i can positively change somebody lifestyle. i'm even more surprised when i realised that all i did was just to be with that person physically. i didn't even say anything. i just ensure that person that he/she/it can talk to me if there's anything wrong and i will be willing to listen. then i make him/her/it promise me that he/she/it will take care of himself/herself/itself. and the next thing i know i've positively influence somebody's life.

well, i hope my mates enjoy the trip to lola and centro as i promised fun in these two places. but i swore that last night when they went with me was so much more fun than the two days when i visited the same places during the weekend. pico and chow look drunk though. i hope this coming two week break is going to lower my alcohol tolerance so that i wouldn't need to waste so much money in alcohol the next time i go clubbing. i have spent half a thousand dollars over this long weekend. damn it.

is it busking festival now? we had some buskers at zouk last night. now i realised busking can be quite fun. getting your face painted and start playing around with those buskers.

2 glasses of whisky
2 glasses of scotch
1 glass of 'graveyard'
1 glass of long island
2 glasses of bourbon and i'm still wide awake. (it's actually pretty mild)

it's party untill 6am again at lola. i'm dead beat.

i didn't want to sleep last night. i was in a situation whereby i just stood by the balcony, looking at distant clouds and orange street lamps with light breeze blowing on my face. certainly reminded me my happier times two years back.

i'm re-learning how to be a human. how to communicate with people outside the little world of my own. i felt intimidated all the time, especially now when i learn to speak what's inside my heart. however, i still have my deepest and darkest secret, well kept inside. it's very tough for me these days. i tried hard. i have to put in constant effort in order just to look or behave like others. am i losing my own identity? no, i don't think so. time and time again i still hide into a little dark corner, thinking about things. or i still talk to things other than fellow human beings. i have lost touch with the world for so long. it took me pretty long to be convinced (finally by someone) that love is still out there. i have thought love to be a illusion.

friends always emphasize family in front of me. they say at least it's the only non-superficial thing in this world of illusions. to me, everything is a front. hai. i'm feeling very lonely again. every night, after a hard day learning to be a human, i will just sit down alone, spending time on my own, reflecting on my thoughts and actions. should i even re-learn to be a human? does it matter? i guess i need constant encouragement from a factor to continue to work hard to be a human. but is it worth it, i ask myself. should i put in so much effort to make myself unhappy so just that i can look normal?

bleah. i feel like smashing the monitor right at this moment. i need a punching bag. i need to go kicking every single dustbin i can see. i'm a frustrated man with anger deep in me. i need to release some of this gas out. but how can i do it? i really want to spread my love. i want to care and i want to concern. sometimes i feel so frustrated just because i know i want to help my friend but i simply couldn't explain except to stand by him quietly(literally). maybe that's all a troubled person needs but then i find a need to express myself. can you imagine i don't even have someone to talk to when most of you out there thinks it the best way to solve a problem or in reality to make myself feel more relieved.

i knew i care for you but i simply can't express it. it's painful.

am i wasting my weekend partying away? no. i'm enjoying myself. i admit there are tonnes of things to do out there on a weekend but apparently everyone except party-goers are too busy with their own lives, especially those with a partner. it's not as if i neglect my friends by partying away. i did ask them if they want to have dinner or just hang out. and btw, when your friends are a bunch of NSFs or university students, life can get pretty boring. they are either 1) resting at home, 2) dating with their partners, 3) mugging their lives away or 4) browsing through the damn Internet at home.

guess i'm going to take a break. it was supposed to be last weekend but i was feeling so down that i just want to drown myself in whisky and music. it was a good catch this weekend anyway. went into such a happening place. where else can you see the dancefloor packed with people at 5am? i'm going to party one last time this coming weekend at lola again. and then it's going to be a two week break. can you imagine? when most people started out clubbing when they are like in university or when they are a quarter-century old, i've been to places even before the first digit of my age turns '2'. damn it. and btw, if you were to see me again, i was born in 1980 or earlier. lol.

now, how about more serious stuff? seen a few things over the weekend that brought me back to the feeling of loneliness. maybe how about back to the lovey-dovey feeling? sometimes i really want somone to read into my heart and advise me on things either to make myself a better man or to make myself a happier man. i'm sick of turning to different people all the time hoping that they are not going to disappoint me by the very first sentence(or most of the time everything) they say. damn it. why can it be so hard? i know who exactly to go to and the very first sentence will be the one i need. need not want. the very first sentence from this person say will exactly let me know what in the earth is wrong with me and what i need to do to make myself a happier and better man. i have been leading my life holding dearly to the advice of this particular baby. everything that i'm going to do, i consult the list of principles that were formed based on all these advices (or how about a few scoldings and insults?) i was just wondering how an asshole i would have become without all these sound advices. some of these advices do not even sound like one but it simply have an positive effect on me and and way i see things. definitely. sadly, i knew i must keep my distance away from this baby. or rather, i do not have the chance to get any closer.

i'm tired. tired praying for a person everyday. tired of not being able to turn to the only person i thought i could trust. everytime, and i mean everytime i feel happy, sad, depressed, worried or confused, this baby is the only person i want to talk to straight away. it's not as if i feel bad everytime i realised i have to keep away from this baby but it's more of a snowball thing. when it just get too much, it sucks. now it sucks so much that i can't even mention who this baby is though most of the readers would have guessed. i feel sad lying to myself or everyone else that this baby is simply a friend of mine. maybe it's the first friend that i will cry for when i know he/she/it is having some sort of troubles and i can't do much to help. maybe just to let myself know that i have never gave up. till now, i still pray that this baby is safe and sound and protected from every harm. geez. wtf. maybe i should start praying for myself.

party till daybreak literally. only stop when the sunlight shone into the dancefloor.

and lola is hot! up next, liquid room.

have you ever been in situation whereby you will refuse to speak to anyone but when you finally thought you can just give it a try, someone just read right into your heart?

i like to see life in this.

all of us are just in a very big desert and each of us do have a small little hut to protect ourselves. these huts are supported with pillars that will sometimes crack. it's all up to us to decide to mend that crack so that the pillar can further support us in our little shelter or to give it a hard kick so that it might just collapse, leaving our hut vulnerable at times. however, be calm. the loss of one pillar will not lead to a permanent damage to your little shelter if you can find one replacement in time. and logically speaking, the more pillars you have, the stronger is your hut but the lesser the personal space you have. you can hardly manovoer.

yes. and apparently if you are as unfortunate as me, someone who loves big spaces in my hut and try to build a few strong pillars only, all the pillars might just fail you at one time. i was busy trying to repair all the pillars. the work tire me out and i can't repair the pillars on time. i was left with no energy. i have to make a quick decision before the roof came cracking and leaking or even collapse(killing me). i made a brave (and good i hope) decision. i left my small little hut, walking outside. i have decided to abadone all i have now in order to pursue a new hut that better suits me even if it takes me to start from scratch.

it's not easy taking the step out of the hut into the desert. i hardly know where i am going. to bear the extreme elements alone in a desert is no mean feat. it hurts especially when the rain come down, hitting hard on your back.

but all i can do is to curl up and lie on the floor. and after that, i knew i have to get up and walk. it's painful. very.

scary dream. two toddler fell from upstairs right in front of me. in a place i'm familiar with. bang! come the first one. he lied flat on the floor. he stood up after a few seconds, wobbling around, the eyes told me that he's gone. bang! the brother fall behind him. he too stood up and wobble before both fell flat on the floor again. their eyes were wondering around, not seeming to know that they were going to die soon. fuck.

i was unusually quiet recently.

"Sleep's escape, that''s what it is. No thoughts, no feelings. Just silent eternity."
-Ingenue

sounds good but are you sure about that? no feelings in your dreams? no thoughts in your dreams? in that case i might be the weird one. my heart does aches in dreams when depressing images appear and i do have thoughts about things i see in my dreams.

time for some light-hearted moments

01) A squirrel who runs up a woman's leg
does
not find nuts.

02) When I was born, I got a choice - a big dick
or a good memory. I am not able to remember ...
what did I choose?

03) Your birth certificate is an apology letter
from the condom factory.

04) My wife is a sex object. Everytime I ask for
sex, she objects.

05) Impotence: Nature's way of saying "No hard
feelings".

06) There are only two four letter words that
are offensive to men - don't and stop ... unless
they are used together.

07) Panties are not the best thing on earth, but
next to best thing on earth.

08) There are three stages to sex in a person's
life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly, and Try Weakly.

09) Virginity can be cured.

10) Having sex is like playing bridge. If you
don't have a good partner, you'd better have a
good hand.

11) I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the
dialer were too small.

12) Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults
enjoy adultery?

13) Marriage is the only war where you get to
sleep with the enemy.

14) Of course you've heard about the Viagra
computer virus, it turns your 31/2 inch floppy
into a hard disk.

15) Despite the old saying, "Don't take your
troubles to bed", many men still sleep with
their wives !!!

16) Q: What's an Australian kiss?
A: The same thing as a French kiss, only
down under.

17) A couple just married were happy with the
whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and She
was happy with the Thing......

18) Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a
man's life?
A: Life sucks, job sucks and the wife
doesn't.

19) Q: What's the difference between a bitch and
a whore?
A: A whore sleeps with everyone at the
party and a bitch sleeps with everyone except
you.

20) Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye
contact ?
A: It's because Breasts don't have eyes.

"I think George Sheehan said it best: "It's very hard in the beginning to understand that the whole idea is not to beat the other runners. Eventually you learn that the competition is against the little voice inside you that wants you to quit." To me, that's the difficulty, and lure of the ironman -- facing those doubts and continuing to move forward."

-Alyson (www.xtri.com)

had a bad run yesterday. couldn't even last for a good 30minutes as planned. instead i stopped when the clock ticks by 20minutes. bad. real bad. i better buck up on my strength and mental endurance. i only have one month to go before the Standard Chartered Singapore half-marathon. ya, btw, my legs are aching now.

i can't understand. can't understand why some people can't forget about their ethics and characters in order to climb higher in rank. does it matter to be popular in front of our superiors and yet loses the respect our friends could have given us if we behave otherwise? so what if you can score in every section except the category 'ethics'? how can you forgive yourselves at the end of the day before you sleep? or does it even bother you?

last night i wonder if i should continue to live by what i believe or should i be a hypocrite once in a while to entertain people? it does affect my future and my relationships with people (i don't really like) around me but it is definitely against my ethics. i'm disappointed. the world today no longer talk about ethics. it's all about money and status. are we still humans? aren't humans defined by the way we think and by the way we act? in such case, aren't we animals? all fighting for food, killing one another so just as to grab a bite and survive in the world of battles? i take a firm stand in my belief.

and btw, it seems like i no longer feel for anyone. anyone i mean it. last night people were feeling sad about some of our coursemates getting out of course. to me, it doesn't even affect me even if the closest coursemate i have now leave. what's the use? just look ahead. they can't make the cut, what's the point of allowing them to stay and ruin their future? might as well let them off for greener pasture. and does feeling sad able to reverse the fact? no, it doesn't.

day by day, my heart is getting stronger and harder.

i used to cry under the blanket when i feel detached from my family. now i can't even force the tears out. i don't know what's wrong. is it me or is it my family? it's just things i encounter in my younger years. i was brought up to keep problems to myself and swallow them into my heart.

tell me what to do.

i always sleep whenever i feel sad or down.

"when you are asleep, you are not happy. however peaceful you may be you are just unconscious."

i'm disturbed.