something's very wrong with me and i don't know why. maybe i seriously need to see a psychiatrist soon. although i have convinced myself that i'm beginning to trust people more, i realised that i am still very protective about myself. subconciously, i'm still on the trust no one but myself mentality. i can't get out of it and now it's beginning to bother me.

i'm still shocked. i just asked myself if i were dreaming just now. i even checked the "received calls" on my mobile. haha. ya..i'm still shocked. i just heard over the computer the song that we sang before she left.

i'm upset you know? of course i am. and i'm going to stop being bothered by this because my heart just keep coming up with reasons why she's so special. now, let's see, a girl that attract me is :

1) appreciative
2) sentimental
3) independent
4) understanding (due to my habit and schedule, she better be. haha)

aye, fuck it. im just a pain in the ass. talking abt ass, i came up with something very evil today.

"you and i have only one thing in common and the same thing in difference. the common thing is that both of us have an asshole and the difference is that mine is at the ass while yours is on your face."

alcohol. whoever concorted that potent liquid ought to be given a noble prize.

-K

this is so wonderful!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

M is back! she was back but she couldn't get me. ya, and the reason why she didn't managed to contact me then was because i was monitoring her flight from dubai. haha. sometimes i just have to believe extra sensory power do exist. that day i was just messing around, looking at flight plans when i suddenly spotted this flight from dubai. the first thing that came to my mind was that M was on board. so true indeed!

i was taking a nap just now but normally i ignore incoming calls. however, i knew i had to picked up this call and especially so when the number looks odd. the moment i heard the voice, i knew it's M but i just want to convinced myself. thank god she called. she tried so many times but could get me and she almost gave up. this call was that kind of it's-the-last-try kind of call.

for that three weeks i injured my hand, i told myself i have to be at lola in case she really come here without calling me. i have to be there and yet i can't. and guess what, she was there then. kind of luck i have. now i'm also convinced that everything in the world happens for a reason. if i have decided to run that day, i will not go home so early and start feeling bored. if i hadn't felt bored, i wouldn't have gone to the park to bike. if i hadn't biked, i wouldn't have to avoid the kid at the very last 500m before i head home. if all these haven't happened, i would have definitely been to lola and saw her. wtf!

last night i simply can't take the fact that i'm not hearing from her anymore and i was about to go to her old flat tmr to try to establish some contact. haha. but she called. and i foresee alot of wrong things are coming my way. due to some shit that happened today, i foresee that i will be working till late on monday evening and M just have to suggest we meet up on monday evening. why am i such a fool again? why do i say that it's inconvenient for me to go over her place now when it's just so near? shouldn't have cared about all these. i should have learn my lesson not to be such a nice human when things are on my side. wtf (again)!

i'm happy to hear her voice again. or maybe it isn't such a good idea. maybe time should just slowly erase her off my memory. that might be good. i always have to suffer this kind of fate. maybe i am really to stay single till the day i die? i'm sad. not because of whatever that's happening but because of the inability for myself to understand why it must always happen. it sucks. just now i was having this "it's hard to be me" thought in my head when i stopped it and changed to "it's hard to be anyone". now i really find it hard to be me.

time really flies. 1month 23days. and all i have is a few hours, or even minutes. wtf (AGAIN)!

if you are waiting for me to do something about that, i'm sorry, i'm not going to do anything because i wouldn't know if he loves you more than i do but i'm going to catch you when you fall.

ignore is the best treatment.

all human desire to talk. if someone were to offend me very badly, i would not give him any chance to talk to me. firstly is to stop myself from flaring up, secondly, is to prevent further misunderstanding (i enjoy giving others the benefit of doubt) and thirdly, just to make the person abit uneasy by giving him the idea the someone is not bothered by him. the feeling sucks. i find it mean to do so but i just have to do it sometimes. when i'm mad at somebody, most of the time i would refuse to talk about it until i'm cooled off. if not, i would just be creating a negative impression in the third party mind. it's unfair. if i talk about it, i would probably just get more fed up with the whoever i'm mad with. so let's just be fair to everyone.

do we just want to gain something from the minimal we have given out?

will you call the NKF hotline if there's no performance or the performance is just simply some singing and dancing? did we have a mentality that since we have donated some money, we should demand some interesting performances? did we almost forget that it's a charity? since this whole thing is a charity, why do people still demand money for their advertising and salary for the work they have put it? what's the purpose? a commercialised charity? if NKF has the intention of showing us videos of people suffering, my question to them will be that, 'if you really have so much money, why don't you give these poor souls some monetary help instead of trying to use the money to tell the whole world the story and hopefully gaining some money for them?'

1 month 20 days. i'm really giving up the hope that she's calling from dubai and i have already given up the hope of sending an email over. it's kind of sad to lose contact just like that, in a snap of a finger. i have a plan in mind. however, it might be a little shocking to her. then again, she must have gotten used to all these surprises. i'm not going to go out of the way to execute the plan. if it does works, it will begin it's execution just like that. i still remember how she will keep the notes i have written on thrash papers like leaflets and receipts. notes that doesn't mean anything but just a confirmation that she have reached home or a simply apology. sentimental woman still impresses me.

"i knew that i will be leaving for six months on tuesday. that's why i didn't pick up your call or reply your sms-es. i don't want to be unfair to you. i don't want you to feel heartbroken."
how sweet. when i heard the above, i was hesistating. should i feel very happy or should i feel very sad? i was very touched.
"we will meet on tuesday. let's just go out."
yes. she chose 'lost in translation'. maybe she thought that show was simply what she's trying to tell me. she asked, "don't you think we are like them?".

"in times of loneliness, we found each other."-lost in translation

"so what are we now? will you be able to accept what i am? how wild i behave? how frequent i will not be around?"

i don't know. i just knew that i love your company and you are impressive.

so what? life goes on.

my favourite phrase recently. time doesn't stop for anyone. life goes on. to me, most importantly is to tell myself that i have no regrets. everything that i have done had gone through my thinking process before being executed. no way i should regret what i have done. if there's any repurcussion not to my ideal, it is due to the lack of ahead thinking of possible outcomes. no one is to blame. no point wasting time on time that's wasted. you just waste more.

it's been a stressful two weeks. i've party-ed hard enough this weekend. i'm recharged. time for hard work.

you go to a party and saw a gorgeous lady, you go up to her and tell her you want to woo her. that's direct marketing.
you go to a party and saw a gorgeous lady, you go up to her, ask for her phone number, call her the next day and tell her you want to woo her. that's telemarketing.
you go to a party and saw a gorgeous lady, she came up to you and say hi. that's brand recognition.
you go to a party and saw a gorgeous lady, you go up to her and try to talk to her, she give you one tight slap. that's customer's feedback.

i make believed that i had a new life
i don't believe you when you say, everything will be wonderful someday.

"there are three type of animals to describe men in this world.
1) flies : the moment they see pretty woman, they flock over immediately like when flies saw food.
2) tiger : been starved for so long that the moment he sees a woman, he preys on her. will not let off even the wrong target. no taste.
3) wolves : need me explain more? "
qoutes from 'happy trio'
gentlemen, isn't it true in each small part of us? gotta use concious to beat that.

amazed i watched this show? this is a show SIMPLY about women. no, i didn't watch it for the sake of pretty babes but just to watch it to relate if it's the same as women i have met thus far. close but as usual, tv series then to focus on the ideal world as close to reality as possible. i can be shocking when it comes to watching tv dramas. i love to watch 'gilmore girls' too. lol. i guess it just simply shows me the way the harder-to-understand species are.

watching the show just now, i was wondering, am i one of those who describe all the joy a single could get and yet crave for love and companionship? indeed i crave for love and companionship but i'm still keep to my statement that it's hard to find true love today. companionship? maybe. but it is not going to last. it is not going to be satisfying. today i saw my colleague and his wife after work. i'm jealous. i'm jealous because there's no one i can just talk to about the tiniest detail of life. there's no one for me to talk to about what had happened the whole day. maybe it's all these lack of chances to speak about my day that make me such a quiet person. i wish to talk. of course i want. i need to talk. i can't just listen the whole day. i need to talk too. i need to be understood too. i need to be concerned to. i need attention.

i have changed since i left junior college.
now,
1) i dare to ask questions. (alot of them. in public too!)
2) i speak up.
3) i asked for comments about myself (this is ocs-trained)
4) i overcame my shyness.
5) i volunteer to do things.

i once told myself, since i'm already with the force, why not make best use of it? at the end of the contract, even if i leave, i will take something useful away with me. something to help me pave way for another career. i have been trying to take up tasks that i usually don't take up due to lack of experience and ignorant in that particular field. maybe it will help to build a wider connection? my friend's cousin works with the SAF and he co-operated so close to the civilian workers, that at the end of the contract he was offered a job. a high paying job. and please, don't think i'm a sucker. i do all these volunteering of projects behind the scenes. no one superior knows about it. i don't want it to look ugly and i definitely don't want too much attention when i'm still learning about it. in fact, that's just the way i am. i stay away from the nerve cell of my unit alot and yet i know everything there. there are people who stay there all day long and yet doesn't know a single thing. i don't need to show others i'm working. i work in low profile. maybe when it comes to credit, i will feel agitated or even jealous but i'm not betraying my principles for a moment of fame and glory. i still have the believe "one day, they will know and they will treasure it deep down in their heart".

i saw ugly politics. please stop it.

it's been so long since i last stopped partying before dawn.
even longer since i stopped before 4am.
and it's been months since i stop before 3am.

i've got my dvd. i've got my bonus. i miss M. i thought she's back the other day. anyway, guess i've lost contact with her. happens all the time. see if fate will bring us together again. the other time i lost contact with her, we only get back to each other when we caught a glimpse of each other when someone open the door. maybe i wouldn't mind waiting for a while more if i can catch her in that 3 seconds again. then again, i saw someone who look like G. my heart skip a beat. wtf.

party people! it's Friday night!