it's been a long time since i last felt hunger.

i thought i had a very bad day until i met G just now. it was perfect. a bus ride home. i wish i had more of this. i love it when we are always thinking about the same thing. i love it when we always can't figure out what's the word that's on our mind. i love it when we can understand each other just by saying "er..err...aiya..u get what i mean right?" i love it when she show me what's in her bag, when she tells me what's her plan and especially when she gets so excited and look so adorable. yes, i still do remember. you had a fillet-o-fish then. why would i forget it?

i wanted to lie to you to make myself look better but i just can't bring myself to do it. i can do it to anyone else but you. i will never hide any truth from you.

because without being truthful to you, i lost myself.
 
i saw the drawings on your journal. i hope it is not what i interpret it to be.

oh my gosh! look at me now. what have i become? a useless unhealthy bum who only knows how to sleep and play. what's this? what happen to the previous me? gosh..i look at myself at the mirror and ask myself this. what do i do when i have problems? i just buried myself at work. just like yesterday, i was just bitching about everything but the moment i reached the squadron, nothing else was on my mind. this is good but unhealthy. damn. i'm going to start a rebuild-myself plan. a  get well plan. let's see...
 
1) stop clubbing
2) stop alcohol
3) start working out
4) get back to your triathlon training (concentrade on singapore half-marathon and the inter-brigade cross-country first)
5) read
6) keep in touch with all your friends and share ( hopefully, like G say, they care)
7) get closer to the family
8) listen to music (i don't mean trance, house or such)
9) tidy my room
10) believe that there is still love is this world
 
he is still fighting strong. where is the princess?
 
and btw, being a friend of mine doesn't mean you start to say things like "i thought you said you are going to blah blah blah?", "aiya, it doesn't work out this way" etc. it doesn't meant that you start going around telling people how i'm having a get-well plan. i don't need promotion. this isn't something worth going around telling people. if you don't know how to give me some support, just shut up. if not, approach G and learn a thing or two.
 
i'm just a fucked-up person looking for my own piece of mind. don't assign me yours.
 
if you're a friend, be glad i have woke up. pray for me. make a wish for me.

am i a good man?

i've always ask myself this. am i a good gentlemen to the ladies around me? have i been a good son? a good nephew? a good grandson? a good brother? a good friend? as we both agree, being a nice person need not be a mr/mrs yes. am i doing that? am i saying no for the sake of trying not to look too nice? am i disagreeing so that i will look as if i have my own point of view? confusing.

am i loving her for the sake of loving her? am i telling myself to do that? everytime i help my friends, i feel great. everytime i try to help her, i feel wonderful. when i'm down, i just want to talk to her. when i'm happy, i just want to let her know. when i make a decision, she's the first to know. i'm exhausted but i'm still hanging on. the knight in me is coming back to fight. a strong knight he must be. but no matter how strong is his armour, he needs a princess at home supporting him. the battle he must win, for the princess.

"How happy is the blameless Vestal's lot! The world forgetting, by the world forgot: Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind! Each prayer accepted, and each wish resign'd".

ok. love should be selfish sometimes. i'm so happy that we are talking on the phone. with her correcting all my mistakes. i feel so great. really. but things just have to take a turn when she got reminded of her past love experiences. and me, being so interested in her life, just have to ask and find out how. and at end of the day what do i have? nothing but shitload of sadness.

why do i have to lie and say maybe all my feelings are purely for a friend? maybe because i just want to keep in touch so badly? i just don't want G to get out of my life totally. you can say that i need her more or less.

don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.

nonsense. i just want to find a dustbin to kick now.

i think i'm a screwed up.

when you love someone, does it matter more to be with him on status or would it do just fine to remain as friends and keep in touch? does love means wanting that person to be happy and carefree or does it mean that i am happy i'm with her?

after a good night sleep, maybe i don't miss her so much. wait a minute, do i? i still feel lonely and disappointed. nobody listen to me at all. i had enough of listening to how people's life have been. however, there's just no one to listen to me talk how about how great my monday was. or rather how sad and lonely i feel now, how disappointed and devastated i am now. why? why do i console everybody around me. isn't there no soul who cares about how sad i am now?

damn it. only if she would listen to me whine about all these. why? what's wrong? i don't get it. there are alot of guys out there who want her as well. i hope one of them(or rather, one of us) is the correct person for her. but why she does not even want to give me a chance? the door is shut at my nose. i can tell others to stop wasting time and things like that but why am i still wasting time? maybe i just need to meet someone better. maybe that day will come. maybe i will forget about her one day. maybe i will survive this ordeal. maybe she will accept me some day.

maybe

on monday night, before i slept, i told myself the following:
i'm going to remain happy for pretty long.
i'm going to try to understand people around me more.
i will take effort to build up the relationship with people around me.
i will help people around me.
people do care about me.
i'm going to stay closer to my family.
i'm going to stop wild partying.
i'm going to start training again. i found the motivation.
i'm not going to waste my life away again.

bullshit!

"i hope i'm not leading you on or something........."

wtf! i thought i had some hope. i thought that my life had just changed for the better. now it's devastated. now my world fell apart. i decided to be a couch potato. i get pissed when i hear noises at home. i get impatient. i still think no one cares about me. i want to get drunk. i thought i will vanish in the eyes of some female clubbers. i just invited them to party this weekend. i thought i wanted to start some training on sunday morning. now i want to party till dawn at lola. i almost punch a friend who just can't agree with me. i'm going to stop working hard.

i've lost hope, joy and motivation. darkness sets in me. just for one fucking statement. why? why the fuck am i loving someone so much who don't even want to keep her door open? why? if you have some other man, tell me so. don't break my heart saying those nonsense. there's never such thing.

"before you start, ask yourself. do you want her or do you want to have the relationship?"

i don't know. as long as she's happy.

i don't really insist that she will be mine but i want to be hers, truly.

oh my gosh!

she never fail to make my heart beat faster. the only time is probably the time when she make my heart skip a beat. it was definitely a very great day!

while waiting for her, thoughts ran through my mind. do i really want to meet her because i just want to see her? or is it because she's sweet. so many pretty girls around me. what will be my reaction when i see her later? has she changed? will i change my mind of meeting her the moment i see a prettier lady? the moment she appear, no to all. she looks great. i feel so excited that my throat dried up and my heart beat so fast that i can't even talk properly. i stumbled. damn it.

i love it. we sat down in the theatre and i just can't help but take a little peep at her now and then. ok. all the time. i love it when she just turn around and smile. gosh! i was mesmerised. her eyes!

what an afternoon. just sitting down at a al fresco coffee joint, discussing about the movie, talking about our lives, talking about our depression and talking about how she's just the logical side of me. we walked. we talked. we talked about how we want to be in future. and gosh, she seems like the perfect wife to me. so marriage is not the end after all.

thanks for making my day. i love you.

i'm meeting her later. and i'm damn excited about that. i don't know what are we going to do and where we are heading. it doesn't matter. i don't know if i will be tongue-tied later. maybe i shouldn't talk. maybe i should summon up my courage to tell her the magical three words but i ain't sure if she's ready. the other day, she told me to leave some things i dare not say over the phone till monday. what does that mean? giving me a chance? she's pretty confused right now. i'm not going to make use of the situation. i want to help her settle down and start thinking straight. even if the chosen one isn't me it doesn't matter. i'm so used to it. i can't bear to see her in this state. maybe she will feel more fortunate with others.

they are right. sometimes it isn't women who are complicated. it's men who are. women are pretty simple after all. it is because when we like someone so much, we tends to think deeper into what they actually meant, which is nothing but the words.

let's pray that nothing goes wrong tonight. it's a make-or-break. in fact, right at heart i'm just praying that she will not need to go off too early. let's pray...

what is love? maybe it's just short form for unconditional.

am i expecting anything from her? no. after 4 hrs of discussion, i just want her to talk to me. i just want to help her.

i've grown stronger. i'm not allowing anyone to take advantage of me now. i protect myself.

and, G, i love you.