fuck up!

i always believe i'm able to chuck all emotions one side before operations. until today. i got into deep trouble and i offended so many people. i need help. i miss her. really.

don't do this to me

i can't believe this.

the first girl to sleep on my shoulders is actually not her.

things have been getting really bad for me. why did i rely on her so much? can i say i don't like her anymore? she's not responding and i'm burning out. i'm fooled. i have gave up the idea of calling her but i can't. i'm getting really depressed. i'm eating like no tmr. i stuff things into my mouth and move faster as i get along. i can't stop. the moment i stop i feel so sad. when i have exhausted all food in my sight, i feel so useless and guilty. i can't even control myself. i've lost much confidence and pride because of my tummy. all day long i'm only thinking about sleep and food. all day long i'm asking myself why i'm so depressed. am i a high maintainence guy? or am i just a normal person without a outlet for stress? maybe i need a inlet for love? maybe i need to talk. who can i talk to?

this is really bad. i'm still so reliant on her.

free me, get me out to the place i rather be.

something is very wrong with my expectations. it's causing me too much pain and trouble. i have too high an expectation for everyone and everything in my life. i expect my colleagues to produce without noise, i expect my friends to be a friend in need and i expect my family to support me. sometimes, i just can't fulfil my expectations. what do i really expect? what do i expect when i tell her that? do i expect her to reply? no. i wasn't expecting any reply. in that case, why do i feel so upset if she don't?

i'm confused.

i don't know if i'm weird or what but i just think they have really lousy characters. check them out. they are the people('friends') working around me:

A) he believes in win-lose situations. he will never bother to put in effort to help. things as simple as shifting his time-table by 5 minutes will kill him. however, he expect people to shift an hour for him. if things are in doubt, interestingly he will follow your lead. however, the moment things start going on the correct path, just be glad if he didn't bad-mouth you.wtf! oh, btw, he also believe in lose-lose situations. a buddy he is, never lose alone. if he were to get into trouble, get ready.

B) he is somebody who thinks he should be right at the top. any others who are higher than him for that split seconds use despicable means to get to where they are. anybody who are on the way up the ladder is a traitor. oh, he's quite a nice guy. he shares. he will pull everybody behind your back and his hallucinations become real. how wonderful. can you believe it? for example you started work 3hours ago and he started an hour ago, if you were to say you are tired and need a break, you are deemed as someone who's always trying to make him do his work. give me a break!

C) he's a quiet young man. he stays low. he seems to be helpful at times too! yup! at times when the boss is looking. he will volunteer for projects from the boss. however, he's never the one executing it.

get real. this is the world. now, baby, would you give me back my whisky?

i treat you as a friend. you have the freedom. go ahead and be my boss but be warned, my boss will never get favours from me. my boss will never deserve my concern. now, fuck off.

sometimes don't u find making decision sick? i make decisions all the time. in split seconds i have to come up with decision day in day out. i'm sick of it. so please, don't ask me to make decision outside working hours. i can't take it. i need to be led sometimes too. i'm a good follower or a good partner. just don't make me the leader all the time. family has been asking me to make a few decisions lately. but i can't. i don't want to bear the responsibilities for the decisions make. i just need to rest. i don't want to be blamed if anything goes wrong. sucks.

how could i be so selfish? all that have been going through my mind is just that she's not responding to me, she's confusing me and she's just fooling around. how can i have such thoughts? haven't i take into account that she's just as confused? she's just pouring everything from her confused her so obviously everything will sound so confusing. i'm feeling so guilty now. i didn't even spare a thought for her. i just kept on demanding. it was a great lesson learnt.

i was just made to realised that i still love you so much.

day 2 : supper, hanging around, chatting, walking. all these are so much better things to do than to buried myself in loud trance and alcohol. thankfully i got to realise all these early. i'm so thankful for what i've got last night. the company from my friends, the happiness they bring back to me, the realisation that i still love G. i'm thankful.

thank you

slimming advertisements have been so overwhelming in the newspapers these days. what is wrong? haven't anyone learn a good lesson from the slim10 incident? anyway, at least now it's an additional motivation when we buy the papers? i like to look at those 'successful clients' pictures in the advertisements. not because they are posing in such a manner but i'm so jealous of the wonderful figure they have. gosh! maybe i should start slimming my waist down too. it's full of toxin.

day 1 : manage to refrain from alcohol for 3 good hours in a pub with live band. however, it wasn't easy to go out with 1 alcoholic and 2 others who drink and all 4 of us are feeling down. damn it! i ended up at lola. so day 1 wasn't a success but i gotta say, i did put on a tough fight at the earlier stages.

to my anonymous reader, please, don't ever say that you understand someone's feelings. nobody will ever understand someone's else's feelings. the phrase will just simply make you look bad. it will make it look as if you are trying to use this phrase and connect the story to your own life. go observe. how many people out there will go "i understand how you feel. previously, when i was......."

work has been going on real smoothly for me but i don't want my life to evolve around work and sleep. that is what i will become if i don't conciously tell myself to stop. in fact, i also don't want my life to be working, sleeping and pretending to be happy.

no worries. smile. i've seen the light.

and maybe life is just about who can differentiate the illusions in reality

this is it. i have to stop. alcohol is causing pain in me, literally. for health i must stop.

yet i feel so empty inside. what have i achieve? i'm still a hollow man. damn it. i'm feeling so depressed that i want to hide. i don't even know if i want to meet her on wed. maybe i just don't dare to face her. i'm a confused man right now. nights of fooling around are over. so what do i have left? what can i do on a lonely weekend night? where else can i find people who listen to my nonsense? i'm exploding. i can't take it no more. i can't always be the one absorbing. i need to release too. i have my needs too. and damn to those selfish people. don't come back to me. i will find my own companion.

i'm beginning to have doubts if i really like her. i didn't even think about her for the past two days. i didn't even dare to call her up. maybe she's too hostile. in that case, i no longer dare to approach her. she's building a wall and the wall is getting strong.

i'm not going to charge into the wall and break my spear. i will fight strong myself.

finally i find it pointless. maybe i'm still in the mood of hangover that's why i'm saying these but it had been running through my head the whole night. for the state of sober to the bad state of being drunk. i don't know if i'm going to say otherwise in a few hours time but i need to give it up.

i'm exhausted.

are you bring me to heaven?

this is life.

wake up when is sun is already shining on my bum, had a good swim, had a good view of bikini babes, had a good tan, enjoy the radio, enjoy the book, enjoy the lunch and last but not least, take a power nap.

i'm not slacking mind you. i worked 13hours yesterday and the estimated time of my arrival at home tonight will be past-midnight. i enjoy all these.

as i was watching those kindergarten kids just now, i thought of settling my life down. lol!

it's never easy to be anybody.