great. i actually have to take a day of sick leave in order to recuperate. diagnosis? stress. i can't believe it, i'm actually taken down by stress. maybe i should have believe her long time ago that we are all not superhuman. we are all made of flesh and blood. maybe i shouldn't even think about her now.
there's so many things i can't believe. i think too highly of myself. i didn't think i will bring emotions into working environment but i was wrong. i was so affected by it. i didn't think the disappearance of someone in my life will make any changes but i was wrong. i didn't think that i will need somebody so much. i was wrong. it was havoc. i didn't think stress can beat me. i was wrong. here i am sitting, dealing with stress with the help of drugs. i need to bring myself to a lower level and look at things again.
i have to admit this is the lowest point of my life. everything is really long. i always have the escape road to work but this time round, even things at work went wrong. last resort, i may have her guidance to pull me up but this time round she's the cause of every damn thing. still, amazingly, i don't blame her. i might have lost the chance to go overseas, lost the trust of everyone at work and lost a few friendship with colleagues but think of that, who brought me up from depression the other time? who, time and time again, help me to be a better person? for all that, her sins are pardoned.
it's time to rebuild myself, emotionally. maybe for a start, i will try to share with people everything. that would require lots of effort. after what i've gone through recently, i realise it's not that i always want to solve problems alone. not that i always need time alone. i can't be alone. don't leave me alone. i just can't relate to you how i feel. and most people will keep on probing. no point. if i can't say i can't. it's not that i don't want but i don't know how and it's certainly painful mind you. don't try to make someone who hasn't talk for 20years to spill everything to you. i'm someone who can't be left alone just like that. thoughts will run wild. sometimes, maybe i just need another beating heart beside me. i don't need a listening ear or a creative mouth. i just need someone to be there.
don't leave me alone, ever.
now, can anyone help me alter my brain? i want to get someone out. i've decided. it's less painful to have those memories than knowing you can't have it no more. life will start new tmr.
i must be strong.
