i just want to eat somemore. i'm a monster now. and i'm going crazy by the minute. it's killing me.

if not for work tmr, i would have jolly well walked home from Eunos. damn it. walking in such cold and windy weather calm me down.

i can hear him. i can feel him. he's trying to force his way out. my principles can no longer suppress him. it's painful. he's digging a hole for me to fall, so that he can climb and take form. i need something to block him. i hate his laughter. i'm going to kill him. i'm going to kill the devil.

this thing about me keeping everything to myself is getting from bad to worse. now i don't even talk to anyone, and the worst is, i even hid it from G. gosh! what's with me? i can't talk. i can't express myself. all i want is some peace. perhaps a punching bag or a shooting range will be good. gonna do some damage around soon man.

watch out for the devil. it's awaken.

i'm very stressed.

i'm very confused.

sometimes, i think i can do it but i can't do it. weird.

it must be the post-christmas and pre-new year depression. it has always been. during schooling years, it is marked by rushing of homework. now it is marked by having no purpose going to work tmr morning. i hate to be useless. i hate to walk around like a zombie in camp all day. i hate it.

to wait for a verdict is painful.

if only santa gave me love.

hmmmm...another christmas present for myself?

http://www.giant-bicycles.com/uk/030.000.000/030.000.000.asp?model=10121

Giant OCR 3 - S$950+

this is well within my budget. probably gotta hunt around the island some more before making a decision. anyway, i'm still considering if i want to get a road bike. why isn't my present bike enough for me? anyway,if i'm going to get a road bike, i will probably sell my present one off to my friend. i wonder if i should charge him the price that i think it's worth or the price he's offering. he's a friend after all and i'm not going to gain from friend. well, let's see. the better deal i can get for a road bike, the cheaper i will be selling it off to him.

i thought i can survive alone happily. i was wrong. i was thrown back into that hole. dark and smelly.

i was suspended. again. standby for further.

oh great! estimated 6km in 28minutes! it's not wonderfully fast but it's great for me. can you imagine i planned to be the race pace for march? and i'm already achieving it now! more will come as i train! i didn't expect this on my 2nd day of step-up training. i thought this will only come in january, after 2 weeks of step-up training. this is good. thank god i didn't choose to sleep while waiting for 'steal' to be shown on channel 5. a few lessons learnt from the run today...

1) negative spilts do work wonders! if you hadn't known what that is, it is basically running the second half of the distance faster than the first. i find it useful as i don't get over-enthusiastic and move too fast when i have the energy to do so in the initial stages. moving too fast too early will cause your body to start to use muscular glycogen instead of those stored in the liver and fats. hence, your muscles get real tired real early.

2) if you are not feeling well, if it's above the neck, you are still able to train. i used to skip training whenever i think i'm catching a cold or when im having some soar throat. what excuses. i'm sneezing so much before the run today. i'm all well now.

3) "when i reach home, i'm too tired to train" -> excuses. i didn't have enough sleep last night and i was real tired when i got home today but i manage to drag myself down to train.

4) planning your day ahead at breakfast and make sure you do not waste any single minute you have works wonder. most importantly, stick to the time-table though it might be boring sometimes. well, we all find joy in our interest when others deem it downright boring.

as i ran, keep a mental picture of how those kenyan runners run. it helps to build my form. as my body picked up the momentum, although my lungs tell me i can move faster, my legs are already at their best. hmmm..time to do more stretching and strength building. the constant reminder to twist my hips certainly help to make everything more efficient too.

'steal'. stephen dorff is pretty handsome and suave, especially when he wears that white shirt with standing collars. did i mention that i love plain white shirt neatly pressed with collars that are standing smart. gosh. it makes a man look so smart. natasha henstridge is quite a babe too.

great day!

breaking somebody's heart is very cruel. very. it takes more courage than it is to express your love. i must do it. for the sake of everyone. i'm still a lazy boy who prefer to spend my time sleeping and training for that biathlon. it takes me so much to finally be able to find such motivation to train for that event. although it is not a real competition or some cash involved, i enjoy training for it, keeping myself at the perfect condition. i don't seem to have the energy for someone else. asking me to spend the whole day outside, no way. i can't do that. i don't know why. i just love to lie down and think about my own things by myself. i don't really like to talk about it. i have yet to find a soulmate. everything is all about myself.

i'm selfish.

start off keeping in mind what you want in the end but it will not be necessary to end with what you've planned at the start. we all grow and learn. along the way, we will pick up new things. i'm learning and growing but right at this moment, i prefer to do it alone.

i'm sorry.

why do i always give up on something so nice? maybe it's a little to scary.

i'm silly.

i hate clubbing. i hate clubbing. i hate clubbing. i hate clubbing. i hate clubbing. i hate clubbing. i hate clubbing. i hate clubbing. i hate clubbing. i hate clubbing. i hate clubbing. i hate clubbing. i hate clubbing. i hate clubbing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

sucks man! i'm exhausted. i was so sick that i couldn't get out of bed and my ears are still ringing. did too much on friday. i woke up at 8am to do a 5km run followed by a 1000m (yes. i used this instead of 1km) swim. after that, it was running all over the island to settle personal administrative stuff. then it was a small gathering at Brewerks before heading down to 'attica'. attica is real cool. so is forbidden city!

tired, of everything.

i must find ways to keep going. ever since the day i 'woke up', there have been so many things i'm trying to pursuit and these are really draining. i've reached the bottle-neck. time to take things easy and find motivation to continue.

all those trainings which seem alot on friday are actually 1.5hrs worth. i must pick up my pace for longer training with quality.

1hr 20mins! swim 1500m and run 10km. keep moving!

i've cleaned up my room. after 7days of procrastination. found quite alot of things, or rather, rubbish. i can't believe that i kept those rubbish for 2 full years, taking up 50% of my space! i spent quite a great deal of time looking at old things, thinking how much i've changed or how things were so different now. from mum's favourite to the topboy in class, to the high achiever to the playful boy, to the boy who always flunked in test to the man who loves the army, to the playboy who clubbed so much and finally, to the man who can think, a man of calm mind. i'm glad i achieved this.

i've changed!

i found this. something OCS wanted us to write. i can still feel the passion in there.

Loyalty
i will respect and follow logical and reasonable orders from my superiors. if the orders are illogical, i will raise it to my immediate superiors.

Leadership
i will lead by example at all times, motivate and encourage my fellow cadets to stretch their limits.

Discipline
i will accomplish all tasks and missions within stipulated time frame.

Professionalism
i will always seek to understand completely my tasks and duty before executing them

Fighting Spirit
i will always give maximum effort for all my duties and tasks.

Ethics
i will admit my mistakes and correct them

Care For Soldiers
i will put the welfare of my followers before mine.

those were the days in OCS......

mambo night. puke fest (wake-up day) one month anniversary. and i smell of puke. did i not learn my lesson well? did i forget what happen exactly one month ago at the exact same place? no, i did not. i'm no longer an alcoholic. i'm no longer a clubbing freak. this is what happened:

2330: arrival. saw the cute door bitch(cutie) who smile again. had a drink with LS, chit chat for a while. K arrived. wondered where she is. nvm, will find her later.
0030: "hey HS, she's dead drunk. she's sleeping outside now!"
0035 to 0145L: puke fest one month anniversary celebration with puke.
0200 to 0230: mambo night. retro music can be pretty fun.
0300: all troubles for the night resolved. someone's dad is real mad. time to head home. oh. btw, the door cutie smile again.

i don't know. what are friends for? they are like sisters for ages and she's afraid of her puke on her jeans? omg! i can see that they are concerned. they are giving ideas how to make her sober. he's standing there mumbling nonsense. asking him to get some tissue paper here would really hurt him. she'd got puke all over her face. omg. everyone who has a tissue paper in their hand are just stretching out their hands. for christ's sake! wipe her face! don't make her look so ugly! everybody suggested that we induced vomit on her. no one dare to step an inch closer. everyone is more concerned about trouble rather than to get her somewhere to clean up and have a good rest. damn it. sometimes, are we too afraid of certain things to be true friends?

K, if A weren't the best of all your friends, make it so. if i had agree to let them take shots of what happened to you, you will know why you should really really appreciate her.

cherish.

i'm so happy. i'm thinking again!

"regrets come with hesitations"

isn't that true? tell me more!

typical guy-to-gal breakup line?
"i'm sorry. you are too nice a lady for me. i can't be with you"

how to you read this? know how i read it?

"i want to break up with you but i don't want to be deemed as an asshole. now i'm giving you a compliment, so don't go bitching around. now get lost!"

relationships are all about sharing the load. isn't it? some of us might see it as receiving only while some might see it as giving only. will they last? it's like holding half a bucket of water in both hand. sometimes, if the right hand is tired, we will pour some to the one the left hand is holding. the total amount of water remain unchange but the right hand get to rest for a while. the right hand will not be resting for long or completely as relationships always demend effort and time. there's no time-out. the more you rest, the longer the left hand suffer. and this cycle will repeat. however, if we just keep pouring it in one direction, the hand might get cramped and let go the bucket. everything is lost.

btw, i meant all sorts of relationships. it applies to all.

i'm in the process of changing my wardrobe. sick of those shirts, business pants and leather shoes. time for sandals, jeans, slacks and tshirts! time to be young again! so far, project-younger has been going well. capital has been healthy. i realised some things have never gone out of fashion. you will never be caught by the fahion police donning (in the appropriate manner)
1) jeans
2) tshirt
3) sandals

i'm still observing how everybody dress. cool~

i felt loved. never more than this before.

sometimes, i wonder if its our 'animal instinct' that make us look for a partner who can bring up our next generation well. don't those quality motherly behaviour turn us on? or is it only me? things such as those below really impress and make me believe that they will be able to give my offspring some upbringing. as minor as they seem to be but it's these little things that make a good woman/human/mother.
1) politely guide the taxi uncle to the destination instead of 'instructing' him.
2) going all out of the way to collect a pamphlet from a old lady so that she can finish her job earlier and rest.
3) saying thanks to the auntie who clean the table.
4) saying thanks to the taxi uncle before alighting.
5) picking up the breadcrumbs from the table and put them on the tray so that the waitress will have a easier time clean.

maybe all of us do that. i'm not sure. i'm a little doubtful. most of us nowadays are brought up not having appreciation and courtesy as the main pillar. we are more concerned about the grades, the things we have and where we will be working. how many of us are actually concerned about a good upbringing? how many of us think about our behaviour and how it might affect our offspring? do you think that it's the job of the taxi uncle to bring us to our destination since we pay for it? will you think that we shouldn't be doing the unglamorous work like cleaning the table?

life isn't just about things we see.

after 2 months of dosage of ANTM, i'm so interested in fashion and how to dress to bring out the best in ourselves. i stepped into Guess and Topman boutique just now. gosh! i realised why they cost so much. it's the little details and the individuality that cost. a pair of jeans from Guess will definitely bring out more than a pair from Giordano. aww..how i dream that i can have both boutique as my wardrobe. also, there's definitely no need to enter a branded boutique to look nice. there are so many things out there which are so cheap and they can do a equally good job! time to invest in some new clothings........

that's how much i have changed. from someone who know which club have the most happening crowd to somebody who enjoys walking around town on a sunday afternoon. from someone who sleeps all day and club all night to somebody who began to see so much things.

honestly, it takes really lots of effort to have another person beside you. no more lazing on the bed on sundays. no more last minute decision to go out. i will not say that freedom is restricted but rather, lazy bones get jailed. one longer think for one's self. it's good. it's healthy. and it's definitely lovely~

christmas gifts thus far
1) Canon Ixus 40 from myself
2) Ripcurl shirt from her

i've got myself a Canon Ixus40. now i have a new gadget to fiddle with.

i've come to realised that deep below the confident-looking, straightforward and decisive man, i'm actually a boy without much confidence and decision-making skill. i'm actually weak deep down inside. i can't express myself, or rather, i dare not express myself and i do not have confident for myself. perhaps it's about time for me to get some self-help book. fortunately, the good thing is, i'm back to being happy. so happy.

life is so different from what it used to be. today, i planned to go clubbing to let my hair down but when night falls, i just want to have some supper with friends or just to go out for a short bike ride. in the past, even though i have told myself not to go clubbing, i would still go because i realised that it's so boring at night. indeed, the moment i put an end to the addiction, i'm back to normal.

i met a girl. her background is completely different from mine and she's completely different. she's such a mature girl. someone who thinks that the present isn't what we are all living for. someone who appreciate every single thing, more than i do.(that really impress me alot). in certain aspect, she's better than G. and it's probably the first time someone treat me so nice. i'm touched. really. however, i'm very afraid i'm just fooling around. although i have stop clubbing altogether, the temptation to fool around still lingers. honestly, right now i can't see much of a future out of us due to the difference in background, but i do enjoy all the intimacy. all the fun. we will see how it might go........

yea! G is finally out of my life because someone else might be taking over the pillar of support.

oh yea~www.marathon-photos.com took my pic when i'm dashing for the finish line. well done. they snapped the pics exactly at those position i want to examine myself. now i know how to improve my running. anyway, muscle aches are going away and training will began on friday instead of preplanned monday. the earlier the better, before i get too lazy to start.

brothers, close friends, friends, colleagues, schoolmates, et cetra.
whom do we put under which category? do we really classify them? i don't know. to me, it's pretty simple. it's only brothers, friends, colleagues, acquaintances and the newly added invisible.

it's hard for me to explain. basically, i only treat brothers and real friends seriously. those so called 'friends', one more not much, one less not significant. think about it. how significant will it be to you if one of the person in your phonebook whom you seldom contact vanish into thin air one day? as friends, are we always expecting help or will be feel for them and help them? are we expecting all our friends to be the way we projected them to be in our mind? will we talk behind their back? will we get jealous or do we feel happy for them? do we remember how much we have helped them or do we how good the last meal with them was?

my friends, you guys rock!

today, i'm proud of myself. at the same time, i'm disappointed with myself. 2hours 25mins 46secs to complete 21.1km. worst time i clocked in 3 years. sucks. at least, i proud to finish it and definitely proud of myself during the course of events. i learnt so much today to prepare for other events in time to come.

1:30am
i was still trying very hard to sleep. guess i only dozed off at 1:45.

3:30am
woke up from my wonderful dream. i sat on the bed and wonder where did that continuous ringing come from. oh no, why did i put myself in such torture again? why isn't it raining? the startline is trying to pull me up yet my bed is trying to suck me in. it was a mental battle before i finally drag myself up, had 2 breads and a warm shower to loosen my muscles. kept drinking during the walk from my place to the bus station. had a powerbar harvest en route to the startline, first time i'm trying this thing, hopefully i don't have to use the makeshift toilet for some big business later.

5:30am
warm up and stretching. after stretching, skg and i realised that our body isn't really warm enough. went for another short run before proceeding to the startline. as usual, everybody just want to stand as near to the startline as possible. now, can anybody explain the championchip system to them? in any case, for leisure run, i don't think a 3minute different is substantial to them.

6:30am
start. although i was standing in a sub-2hr pen when i'm supposed to be a little further back, and although i was running at a warm up pace, i'm still overtaking people. gosh. got myself a pacer, stick with him in order not to get too enthusiastic and waste my energy at the start. good. this is the first time i'm getting some synergy out of fellow pacers. i'm really amazed. there are people who are of much bigger size than i do and they are running ahead of me. you go guys! compared to those who beat the night at Zoukout, these people are more respectable. (not saying clubber sucks but probably Zoukout is always at the wrong date. it should be one weekend after this so that we can go too~)

2km
someone cut in front of me, causing me to lose my pacer. not going to waste my energy to play catchup. i'm going to just sit back and wait for the next one.

4km
amazingly the time is only 23mins+. i'm under the 6mins per km pace and i'm still feeling great! if this goes on, i will be able to complete it within 2hours! then again, realistically, can i? when i only ran 2 X 5kms in the month of Nov? anyway, i felt good about my pace.

8km
i'm getting real hot, just like last year but i'm not going to give in to heat this time round. poured water over myself and tried to get a steady pace. no more pacer now. the crowd is more or less spreaded out. 45mins+. omg! i'm actually getting faster and feeling better at the same time? great!

13km
oh no..i'm slowing down. i can feel that i can no longer drive myself forward. my breathing gets a little heavier and maintaining the same pace require effort. sucks. oh well..eventually i gave in. i walked to try to bring the muscle tightness away. i can't. cramps arrived. one of the top runners for half-marathon just got past me, in the opposite direction. at least, i'm proud of myself that i can last till 13km at this pace. must have been the wonderful job of good hydration and nuitrition plan. not forgetting the warmup. come on. let's get cranking!

15km
omg. where is the u-turn point. i'm struggling now. this is the second time i stop just to stretch. how i wish i can just end here and lift my legs up. the lactic is building and the cramps are more often now. i can't possibly get myself a sub-2hr. now, let's just try to get a PB. (without training this whole year?) negative thoughts keep coming to me.

18km
i've walked and limped for so long. darn! should have been training hard instead of slacking for so long. now i'm suffering at something which i'm supposed to enjoy.

19km
nothing else matter. i don't want to cross the finish line at the 3hour mark. a 2hr 30mins will be bad enough. let me just endure those cramps and make a last dash. fall if you need to, but only after you cross the line. the pain on the joints? worry about that later. let's get moving!

and so i did. all the way to the finish line. with some teeth-biting last 150m dash. oh well. the timing is lousy but at least i've learnt quite alot today. let's just focus on the biathlon, 26March2005. 1hr 20mins will be the goal!

again, i spent a lovely sunday hanging out with my friends. i love it.

i just hope to complete it tmr. a sub-2hr will be a real bonus.

i went to east coast park on tues for a run, a planned long run. haha. gosh! i can hardly complete 5km without cramping up. time to brush up on my fitness. and on wed night, after doing some simple exercises at home, i felt so motivated to have a good body. i wanted to change and go downstairs for a quick run if not for the late hour. alright, after tmr, i can start to concentrade on my biathlon on 26th March 2005. better not waste my money on that anymore.

see me more often in the gym, eastcoast park running or cycling and around my estate here!

and of course, after missing out so much of weekend night fun, im thinking of going out one of these days. not because i'm not disciplined enough but just to have a great weekend with friends! gotta check out 'attica' and 'attica too'. the last time i walked past it, i thought it look so great but i didn't give a second look thinking that it must just be another club along clarke quay. gosh. now i wanna check it out.

Christmas wishlist:
1) Cannon Ixus40 or Casio Exlim S-100 (tell me which is better pls)
2) I-pod (may it be mini or the bigger version)
3) a racer bike (preferably with all assesories)
4) a pair of jeans, a new shirt and a pair of new shoes
5) a pen from Mont Blanc(they make you look smarter, don't they)
6) a good watch (a must-have for every man)
7) complete set of DVD for Matrix and Infernal Affairs
8) someone to love me

did i mention i want to learn roller-blading? anybody interested to give me some lessons?