seeing somebody do bring wonders. i no longer sleep my sundays away and i will have somebody to talk to all the time.

last week, i voiced out a concern of mine. i told one of my seniors that i can interact alot better with older women. apparently, i can't get along with girls of my age. maybe i'm always with older people that's why. i hope things will take a change when i enter university. not that i mind older women as partners anyway.

i was thinking about a test. all along, women cannot get along with me after they found out that i'm so much younger than they are. i don't blame them. they are at the age where things need to move on. i wanted to see how far out i can go with a woman, just as pure humans, with our ages as useless numbers.

i met J.

first of all, she don't look that old. i thought we would be of my age. we started talking. we started going out. i just got home. look at that time. just sitting by the river and talking. i wonder how many girls of my age really want that. talked about everything. held hands, walk along the river. sitting down, looking at the sky and water. apparently things are going on very well. she's a pretty nice lady. really nice but she's 9years my senior. gosh. now i have to think of a way to end this appropriately. not that i mind going out with her. i just don't want to waste her time and youth. apparently, at that kind of age, youth is rather important because they don't have much left. i don't want her to miss out some other nice guys around who can really be a life partner. gosh.

honestly, this is the first time my judgement was so off. based on looks, i thought she was 24. based on her handphone assessories, i thought she was 23. based on how well we cliqued, i thought she was 21.

somebody teach me how to interact with girls of my age.

distance : 51km
average speed : 29kmh (include slowing down and moving off at traffic lights. during motion, speed was between 30-35kmh)
time : 1hr 42mins
top speed : 60kmh (yea. that speed which L-plate travel on)
legs : damn tired
feeling : exhilarating!

with this statistics, i think i will be able to finish an Olympic distance triathlon in 3hours. say i swim 40mins (if i manage the pace i did in biathlon 2003 and if i don't get lost in the sea again!), bike a 1hr 30mins, i will need to run the 10km in 50mins! this is all possible with training. gosh! that's quite an encouragement!

we are always contradicting ourselves, don't we?

as much as i wanted some headwind to cool me off in that afternoon heat, i would want some tailwind so that i don't have to crank so hard. yea. i'm always thinking when i'm riding or running or swimming. thinking about how my life is going to be next. thinking of what to write here. something sweet, something nice, something motivational. be advised, i read my past entries sometimes to get back certain feelings, or motivation.

yes. i'm on it again. today, i look at myself in the mirror in my cycling attire. damn. i will look good if i get a triathlete body. not god-gift. trained for it i meant. i'm feeling guilty and totally disgusted about my belly. yea. at least i realised it now, before it's too late. hope i will be able to wear my shirt soon again, with confidence that is.

i think my saddle is going off soon. a selle italia filante would be an appropriate gift for me. i'm looking at fizik arione and gobi too. anyone? maybe i should start a wishlist again. maybe i should visit SCH at tampines everytime i lose the motivation to train hard.

what motivates you?

i still can't reverse my bioclock the right way up after a whole week of night shift.

please comments on the photos from the previous entry. the settings were on purpose, especially the one with the bed. i realised it's a better way for me to post what i captured rather than words. in the first place, that's what my cannon ixus is for. i bought it to capture my feelings.

now that i've learnt to express myself better, where are you?

an empty bed, a lonely heart 

an empty desk, an empty mind. 

40 Mistakes Men Make While Having Sex With Women

1) NOT KISSING FIRST. Avoiding her lips and diving straight for the erogenous zones makes her feel like you're paying by the hour and trying to get your money's worth by cutting out nonessentials. A proper passionate kiss is the ultimate form of foreplay.

2) BLOWING TOO HARD IN HER EAR. Admit it, some kid at school told you girls love this. Well, there's a difference between being erotic and blowing as if you're trying to extinguish the candles on your 50th birthday cake. That hurts.

3) NOT SHAVING. You often forget you have a porcupine strapped to your chin which you rake repeatedly across your partner's face and thighs. When she turns her head from side to side, it's not passion, it's avoidance.

4) SQUEEZING HER BREAST. Most men act like a housewife testing a melon for ripeness when they get their hand on a pair. Stroke, caress, and smooth them.

5) BITING HER NIPPLES. Why do men fasten onto a woman's nipples, then clamp down like they're trying to deflate her body via her breasts? Nipples are highly sensitive. They can't stand up to chewing. Lick and suck them gently. Flicking your tongue across them is good. Pretending they're a dogie toy isn't.

6) TWIDDLING HER NIPPLES. Stop doing that thing where you twiddle the nipples between finger and thumb like you're trying to find a radio station in a hilly area. Focus on the whole breasts, not just the exclamation points.

7) IGNORING THE OTHER PARTS OF HER BODY. A woman is not a highway with just three turnoffs: Breastville East and West, and the Midtown Tunnel. There are vast areas of her body which you've ignored far too often as you go bombing straight into downtown Vagina. So start paying them some attention.

8) GETTING THE HAND TRAPPED. Poor manual dexterity in the underskirt region can result in tangled fingers and underpants. If you're going to be that aggressive, just ask her to take the damn things off.

9) LEAVING HER A LITTLE PRESENT. Condom disposal is the man's responsibility. You wore it, you store it.

10) ATTACKING THE CLITORIS. Direct pressure is very unpleasant, so gently rotate your fingers along side of the clitoris.

11) STOPPING FOR A BREAK. Women, unlike men, don't pick up where they left off. If you stop, they plummet back to square one very fast. If you can tell she's not there, keep going at all costs, numb jaw or not.

12) UNDRESSING HER AWKWARDLY. Women hate looking stupid, but stupid she will look when naked at the waist with a sweater stuck over her head. Unwrap her like an elegant present, not a kid's toy.

13) GIVING HER A WEDGIE DURING FOREPLAY. Stroking her gently through her panties can be very sexy. Pulling the material up between her thighs and yanking it back and forth is not.

14) BEING OBSESSED WITH THE VAGINA. Although most men can find the clitoris without maps, they still believe that the vagina is where it's all at. No sooner is your hand down there than you're trying to stuff stolen banknotes up a chimney. This is okay in principle, but if you're not careful, it can hurt - so don't get carried away. It's best to pay more attention to her clitoris and the exterior of her vagina at first, then gently slip a finger inside her and see if she likes it.

15) MASSAGING TOO ROUGHLY. You're attempting to give her a sensual, relaxing massage to get her in the mood. Hands and fingertips are okay; elbows and knees are not.

16) UNDRESSING PREMATURELY. Don't force the issue by stripping before she's at least made some move toward getting your stuff off, even if it's just undoing a couple of buttons.

17) TAKING YOUR PANTS OFF FIRST. A man in socks and underpants is a at his worst. Lose the socks fist.

18) GOING TOO FAST. When you get to the penis-in-vagina situation, the worst thing you can do is pump away like an industrial power tool - she'll soon feel like an assembly-line worker made obsolete by your technology. Build up slowly, with clean, straight, regular thrusts.

19) GOING TOO HARD. If you bash your great triangular hip bones into her thigh or stomach, the pain is equal to two weeks of horseback riding concentrated into a few seconds.

20) COMING TOO SOON. Every man's fear. With reason. If you shoot before you see the whites of her eyes, make sure you have a backup plan to ensure her pleasure too.

21) NOT COMING SOON ENOUGH. It may appear to you that humping for an hour without climaxing is the mark of a sex god, but to her it's more likely the mark of a numb vagina. At least buy some intriguing wall hangings, so she has something to hold her interest while you're playing Marathon Man.

22) ASKING IF SHE HAS COME. You really ought to be able to tell. Most women make noise. But if you really don't know, don't ask

23) PERFORMING ORAL SEX TOO GENTLY. Don't act like a giant cat at a saucer of milk. Get your whole mouth down there, and concentrate on gently rotating or flicking your tongue on her clitoris.

24) NUDGING HER HEAD DOWN. Men persist in doing this until she's eyeball-to-penis, hoping that it will lead very swiftly to mouth-to-penis. All women hate this. It's about three steps from being dragged to a cave by their hair. If you want her to use her mouth, use yours; try talking seductively to her.

25) NOT WARNING HER BEFORE YOU CLIMAX. Sperm tastes like sea water mixed with egg white. Not everybody likes it. When she's performing oral sex, warn her before you come so she can do what's necessary.

26) MOVING AROUND DURING FELLATIO. Don't thrust. She'll do all the moving during fellatio. You just lie there. And don't grab her head.

27) TAKING ETIQUETTE ADVICE FROM PORN MOVIES. In X-rated movies, women seem to love it when men ejaculate over them. In real life, it just means more laundry to do.

28) MAKING HER RIDE ON TOP FOR AGES. Asking her to be on top is fine. Lying there grunting while she does all the hard work is not. Caress her gently, so that she doesn't feel quite so much like the captain of a schooner. And let her have a rest.

29) ATTEMPTING ANAL SEX AND PRETENDING IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. This is how men earn a reputation for not being able to follow directions. If you want to put it there, ask her first. And don't think that being drunk is an excuse.

30) TAKING PICTURES. When a man says, "Can I take a photo of you?" she'll hear the words "__to show my buddies." At least let her have custody of them.

31) NOT BEING IMAGINATIVE ENOUGH. Imagination is anything from drawing patterns on her back to pouring honey on her and licking it off. Fruit, vegetables, ice and feathers are all handy props; hot candle wax and permanent dye are a no no.

32) SLAPPING YOUR STOMACH AGAINST HERS. There is no less erotic noise. It's as sexy as a belching contest.

33) ARRANGING HER IN STUPID POSES. If she wants to do advanced yoga in bed, fine, but unless she's a Romanian gymnast, don't get too ambitious. Ask yourself if you want a sexual partner with snapped hamstrings.


34) LOOKING FOR HER PROSTATE. Read this carefully: Anal stimulation feels good for men because they have a prostate. Women don't

35) GIVING LOVE BITES. It is highly erotic to exert some gentle suction on the sides of the neck, if you do it carefully. No woman wants to have to wear turtlenecks and jaunty scarves for weeks on end.

36) BARKING INSTRUCTIONS. Don't shout encouragement like a coach with a megaphone. It's not a big turn-on.

37) TALKING DIRTY. It makes you sound like a lonely magazine editor calling a 1-900 line. If she likes nasty talk, she'll let you know

38) NOT CARING WHETHER SHE COMES. You have to finish the job. Keep on trying until you get it right, and she might even do the same for you.

39) SQUASHING HER. Men generally weigh more than women, so if you lie on her a bit too heavily, she will turn blue.

40) THANKING HER. Never thank a woman for having sex with you. Your bedroom is not a soup kitchen.

to add matter worse, i just received the letter from UCAS. damn it. nvm. i shall get my boss to help me appeal. it's pure stupidity to let go a good chance just like that.

for my own future, i will do all i can. even if it might look a little kiasu.

my dearest.  

just got back from madam wong. it's been long since i really just have a drink and be with myself. i thought, maybe it's the talking to myself that's causing all the upset. i'm a damn fortunate guy i must say, just lack of someone to share. i know what's wrong. it's good. it's been long since i went out with people and talk more than my company. i just find myself stupid for not wanting to let it go. i realised, it's not me who can't let it off. it's me who don't want to let it off.

i'll try. harder.

i feel inspired!

spent the whole night of duty chatting with one of my specialist. we just can't stop talking about sports, training and equipment. it's nice. it make me rekindle the passion to pursue my dreams again. like i said earlier, i probably want to make some adjustment to my goals. ironman by 30 is pretty tough. anyway, i will be training hard now.

it's been so long since someone ask me,

"oh, you are interested in triathlon? how's your training going on so far?"

it just served as a reminder that i have a dream to fulfil. an objective to meet. a life goal to achieve. have you got yours?

if triathlon were easy, it will be called football.

i guess i wouldn't be able to sleep. thank god i kept some cough and flu medicine around.

don't they worry about you staying out so late everyday?
i don't know.
don't you even care if they are worried about you?

that was a random conversation with a total stranger. i have been rather selfish, all the time. i only think about myself and the world evolve around me. i guess i have some problems. big problems. firstly, i'm definitely an alcoholic. finally, i admitted it. secondly, i'm still a loner. who else walk around in a park at 2am?

before i can go on, i just hope i do not receive any messages or voices telling me "comeon, told you not to club so much liao", "take care buddy", "you should find something to do other than clubbing", "it's unhealthy" blah blah blah. i'm someone who go for the root of the problem. i don't like to waste time minimising the effects of the problems. then again, like she say, if most of the effects can be minimize, i can have better concentration on the root of the problem. then again...

maybe it runs in the family. we all have experiences of walking around somewhere out there alone in the middle of the night when the going get tough. this is a rather weird thing to do. i admit that i'm very attention seeking but i really don't know why. i mean, how would a normal person behave or want such that he or she will not be subconciously craving for attention? i really don't know. maybe it's a need for a soulmate. maybe it part of waiting for it to happen.

i was just thinking about our past. the clubber gang that is. in the past, we will go to zouk and drink what the coupons can give us before sharing some glasses when it's one-for-one time. then we began to order drinks in jugs. we club every weekend. laughing and shouting. having lotsa fun i must say. now, we began to order by the bottles. then, we will sit down and speak about our sorrows as we drink. towards the end, we will move around, having a little fun before proceeding to the coffeeshop to finish up the unfinished sorrows. i meant, look at that! all the alcoholics! just that night when a group of us went, we must have drank like at least 4 bottles!

that's one big problem. we tried. all of us went for some little therapy of our own. we had supper and coffee instead of loud music and alcohol. before long, we were at lola, drinking. gosh.

anyway, that problem aside,

commitment is tough.

no worries friends, i have not fallen in love yet. it's my committment not to huff a puff. it was tough. i almost tore myself apart when the cigarrettes were floating around as we speak of our sorrows. no. it's not the company. i don't blame them. they didn't even offer me. i was extremely tempted to try it. thank god that guy was quite a miser. lol. anyway, cigarettes seem convenient. as i was sitting by the lake just now, i was wondering, it would be nice if i have some kind of anti-depressant. i can't possibly carry a bottle of whisky around, so i thought a cigarrette in hand might come in useful. no, thanks. i'm still holding on to the committment of no puff.

am i too scared to fall in love? honestly as things progress to a certain level, i will back off. i don't know why but i will just back off and hide for a good 2 to 3 weeks. weird. fucked up.

i used to be very scared of dark places. however, it seems like the need to be alone had overcame the fear of dark places.

the serenity and comfort i might find among the darkness,
under the twinkle of the stars,
under the protection of the wind,
had removed the fear of being lonely and scared again.

i'm guilty. guilty of having too much fun. i was having my breakfast after a clubbing session with friends when this old auntie came to sell me tissue paper. like always, i wave my hand and said no. BUT what D told me hit me hard.

you might have no use for that packet of tissue but it might be the auntie's lunch tmr. since we have the ability to sit down here and have our meal, why not spread the love and let her have her deserving meal?

i went over and got myself two packets of tissue papers which proved rather useful tonight. there are just too many unfortunate around us, we should just try to help whoever we can around us. don't get me wrong. i'm still for the idea that we shouldn't be guilty when we are enjoying ourselves when there are less fortunate around. that's the cycle of life.

i'm becoming a robot.

i have no emotions. i have no feelings. i don't know what's the feeling of being in love. my heart is just like an engine. it don't hurt like it used to be when i think of things. i don't feel joyous. i'm numb. a robot just work and move. i'm one. with a pre-determined programme, robot react to inputs. certain input give out certain outcome. when the battery run low, charge it before it can function well again. what happen?

let me live(leave).

this is a picture of a sexy lady. loretta harrop. sexy. sweet.

i love time trailing. although i can't really make it. gotta try it this week again. tried riding 50 n 60km respectively for 2 days between 30 - 35km this week. sweet! not very fast but i felt the effort. and just now was the best. in the rush to reach home before the rain fall again (yea..i stopped at the busstop for 5mins) i managed a 40kmh on a flat road with headwind. lactic all over after that. needless to say.

shall be working real hard on cycling. 150km or 12hrs of riding on 7th may. yea. i decided to drop it to 150km instead of 300km. one should never be too ambitious. on that note, i question my ability to complete an ironman before 30 years old. after the disppointment at the biathlon and now finding time trialing is really shagged, i'm re-thinking my goals. (note : i still haven't gave up) i shall not give up easily from now onwards.

alright. gotta sleep. busy day tmr. going for a swim. my aim now to swim 3000m. im sure i can do it. i meant, i farking hell swam for 1hr 16mins non-stop tt day right!?

train smart.

new sports tried : wakeboarding.

it's definitely fun. i manage to stand up and have a proper wakeboarding session after 4 falls. i'm still glad that i learn things fast. would very much love to go again. anyone interested? promotion period now, 4 hours for $250. just need to bring your own things there. all equipment will be provided. fun and good company each sold separately.

that's our monthly event btw. first it was paintball then it's wakeboarding. next, i guess it will be mountainbiking or go-karting. leaving now for our bonding-session 2, for the night owls only.