alright. these days, i can't fucking sleep at night. and i mean i fucking can't. irritatingly not being able to. i've missed 2 days of classes and i've just made the decision to miss tmr morning lesson. there's webcast lecture, so, wtf. in the lecture, i just sit and lesson. i can't possibly ask the lecturer to repeat. it's a one way education. i might as well take my own sweet time to have a nice sleep, good breakfast, maybe even a good workout, before going settling down here to mug. i love this seat btw. it's a perfect and conducive spot to mug.

while trying to sleep earlier on, i have 2 thoughts on my mind. firstly, i got to admit that up till today, i don't know what's hardwork. i've been living comfortably all my life. secondly, am i a new generation of people who only think about themselves?

let's start from young. although i wasn't born rich, i did not have to worry about not having a shelter, not having enough food and things. in primary school, i see people struggle through their academics. i have seen my classmates not being able to buy a new exercise book. i've seen how they are unable to buy textbooks for the next semester and have to go around asking if anyone have. i'm lucky enough. to think that i used to hate to use the 2nd hand books my brother pass down to me. academics wise, i must say that i was really smart then. i didn't have to worry about anything and i don't even have to revise hard or go through gruelling tuitions.

then in secondary school, life go through real smooth for me. studies was alright until i decided not to further make use of my intelligence. or rather, i must say, for the amount of effort i put in will not warrant me such grades. i could have done better but i didn't. so life wasn't tough too. then cca wise, i achieved what i wanted. i represented the unit for competition at a very junior level. i have achievements which peers of my level weren't able to. i was always on step ahead of everyone. eventually, i got my rank, highest in that particular cca. left the school with a distinguished service award, something i told myself i must achieve in my course of study.

i went to junior college. didn't have much achievements, or rather none but i met a girl that change my life. a girl whose words still ring in my head to keep me going. to make me a better man.

then i proceeded to the college of my dream. at least over there, i wasn't as unfortunate to go into a class where i don't know a soul and struggle. at least i had a companion all the time. found my passion for sports. once again, not struggling with academics though i didn't get the perfect grades. come to think about it, many have done much much more and they've got worse.

live moves on and i got a dreamjob. yes. unbelieveably, it is my dream job. you National Service guys wouldn't be able to understand. i command good pay each month and party my life away as my peers suffered in the forest and save every penny from the miserable allowance. finace wasn't a problem for me. got an scholarship to last me throught my four years in university with monthly salary. wtf! i see some of my friends wanting to accomplish alot in the four years of tiertiary education but they are pretty much constrained by financial woes. sometimes, i tried my best to help them in terms of that so that at least they would miss out too much at such prime years.

yes. so pretty much i can say life's a breeze for me. no hard work at all. i get everything i wanted. what more do i want to ask for? i know that each time when a situation arises, i can peer over my shoulders and say to my guardian angels, "hey, i know you guys are there." yes. but i don't stop there. i continue, "as much as i don't want to go through shit, i want to learn some lesson out of it" and i think they've heard me. if not, i guess i will be such delinquent now. if not for them, i wouldn't be getting comments like "oh, you are so different from your peers. you think so much ahead" and shit like that. i would love to thank the soul behind my back. thank you for the smooth sailing and the maturity you guys gave me. yes. even right now, i can feel that you are very happy that i didn't turn out to be a snob who don't appreciate. i deeply appreciate what i have.

now, am i so lucky that i only think about myself? my own woes? i don't know. it's hard to argue. one example. lately, we were supposed to help out at a big event in school. i know it should be a team effort to keep it going but i realised that i have been telling them that i can't due to studies committment and meetings and trainings which i deem to take priority. i see my seniors forsaking their lectures and tutorials and even their sleep to do their part. i'm just wondering, are they doing their part? is there a need for them to sacrifice so much when there might be better candidate for such jobs? maybe there are someone who haven't got lecture to do the job?

now the problem arises. those someone who're free might be thinking why should they be the one doing it? isn't it quite a common thing amonst us youngster these days that we keep asking "why am i the one doing?". have we ever ask "why is he doing it?"??? we often also think about "if i don't do it, it wouldn't make a difference" this lead me to thinking. is my meetings and training more important than this event? ok. maybe the meetings are but are the training as important? i don't know. i argue this with different personal goals in life.

all of us have different life goals. one of mine is to complete an ironman before 30. or did i say Hawaii Ironman the last time around? anyway, so, in order to chase after the dream, i must train. i do not have time for other games. i do not have time for unnecessary hanging out. so, i would really appreciate if someone come along the way and tell me that he understand that i have my own goals and will not jeer at me or deem me as a anti-social when i don't really want to join them citing training as a reason. i have alot to catch up you see. i must work doubly hard to chase my dream. so, am i still just thinking about myself? my own goals? my own training? have i fail to contribute to the club? i must defend myself by saying that i did highlight this concern of mine to the seniors and i assured them, time and time again, that i will pop by to help whenever i am free. and if ever they are short of manpower, call me. then i will forsake my training to help.

however, everyone and anyone can do that. all of us have our own goals. maybe their goal is to achieve something not related to sports and greater life. but what do i have to say that their life goals don't deserve as much time as mine? what if everyone say the same thing as i am? then the organisers will have a hard time sorting things out. because when he start calling people, the common reaction might just be "you mean there's no one else? if really no one else then i go down".

btw, to qoute one of our national swimmer, a sportsman have to give up 3 S-es. Sleep, Social and Studies. i'm trying hard to juggle.

"You are tend to think about others' feelings a lot, perhaps because you are so eager to be liked"

did a online quiz and this is one of the answer i've got.

will this simply be just a reflection of my lonely life? i don't want to be popular. i just want to be loved by people around me. yes, indeed i think i'm too eager to be liked. i don't want to be felt left out. then again, i think that above statement means alot. up to your judgement.

it's very touching to read someone's past entries in her blog and somewhere, you found that there's a thank you note left for you. it's amazing how you can help others. to me, i can't even remember what i've done for her but it meant so much that she actually left a thank you note. amazing. and now i understand why she's so nice to me.

be nice. you never know when you touches someone's life.

i can't sleep. i don't know why. so i decided to try the colourgenics again, to help me express myself.


Enough is enough - you feel frustrated and rejected. You are fighting back and the going is tough. It would be just wonderful if you could be left in peace.

You enjoy taking part in anything that may constitute fun and excitement. You need to be stimulated and need to feel that 'Life is worth living' and you are awaiting that stimulation and you don't particularly care where it comes from!

You lack confidence and that is a great pity because deep down you are indeed a warm caring person. This lack of confidence is making you wary of being drawn into any open discussion or conflict and so you feel as if you should let matters lie and leave well alone. But there may be a pleasant surprise in store for you. You are beginning to grow and very soon - sooner than you believed possible - this warm loving new you will be available for all to see and to appreciate.
You pretend that you are a carefree individual and that nothing really bothers you - that you are so self-sufficient that whatever problems beset you they simply flow off you as water flows off a ducks back. You are experiencing considerable stress, trying to conceal yourself from the rest of the world. In actual fact - deep down, you are not at all happy. You feel lonely and you need someone with whom you can 'Let your hair down' and share your hopes, dreams and high standards. You are imposing unnecessary self restraint on yourself. You would like to demonstrate the unique quality of your character to all and sundry.

At this time you don't particularly like yourself. Everything that you have tried to do seems to have gone wrong. This makes you feel that there is no point in trying to start again. Apart from being stressed and tense, you are angry with yourself and have un-admitted self-contempt. Your refusal to admit that you and you alone is the basic cause of your problems leads to you adopting a headstrong and defiant attitude. If you take stock of yourself, smile a little and let go, everything will turn out OK. Have you not heard of the cliché 'smile and the world smiles with you - cry and you cry alone!'?

hi,

i once thought you might be somebody i can fully trust. i changed my mind. now i think you are just such a bitch and slut. i'm sorry. to many of us locals, slut might be a loosely used term for babes who love to hang around with guys etc. however, some "sluts" just love the company of guys, some simply love the popularity and attention they get. however, i find you more than a "slut". you are a slut. not only you ONLY love popularity and attention, you love the care and concern the boys shower you with. you get close to them so that you can have it. i think you lead a very sad life. you flock to whichever group that can provide you with more attention. right at this moment, although you can dismiss all other groups and say that this current group love you the most, you will change your mind the moment someone better shows up. haven't you forgotten about us? we have been quietly supporting you. quietly not because we decided to be so. quietly because we fail to get your attention. you are just too caught up with the new group of friends you have. do you even know that some of us are just out there to support you? you have disappoint many of us. from the most beautiful girl in the group to the most friendly girl, your status in the group have dropped to such extend that it is critical. i strongly recommend that that you notice our presence.

i have to say that each of us will of course prefer better and more love. however, don't you forget the ones who have always been with you, quietly discussing means to provide you with the strongest support.

you once told me that when the whole world abandon me, i can count on you. you persuaded me to tell you my darkest secret. i'm sorry. you have fail to earn that trust. now, i even have to think twice talking to you. i'm also very thankful that you were so straight forward to demand trust from me. if you haven't done that, i would have, on my own accord, reveal the darkest and the weakest side of me to you.

please. please wake up. start thinking about the things you once said. start thinking about what's really right. one day, when you new friends abadone you, we might not be able to accept you again.

think again.

yours truly,
a friend.


hi,

i would just love to tell you that my impression of you have improved tremendously. i think you might just be the new one i might trust. i meant, not the kind of trust i have given to her. i mean a new level. you've earned it by all your hardwork. congratulations!

my very first impression of you is that you are just such a quiet girl. not long before i discover that you are actually quite a playful girl. shortly, i've also discovered that quiet and lovely side of yours.

i must tell you that our conversations every night have definitely led me into thinking about my own life. my psychological, my emotional and my spiritual side. such is not an easy task but you've seem to accomplished it with ease. we have alot in common don't we? that make things so easy for us. i don't have to say much before you can truly understand me. this is what i have been looking for. if finding a partner is about finding someone who can fill you in in terms of psychological, emotional and spiritual needs, you have done more than what a partner should have done. i think i'm beginning to fall in love. this is not an infatuation but love. i miss every seconds not talking to you. i miss every second not able to discover myself without your guidance.

i want to ask you out. to know you better but it's rather hard since we have close mutual friends. i'm sorry that i didn't know you were trying to ask me out for lunch individually and i called along all our mutual friends. i deeply appreciate your offer for breakfast with me when i told you i was stressed. i felt thankful that you are around. i'm sorry that many a times you've asked me out but i couldn't make it due to prior arrangements. i've just read some blogs. most of us local guys lack courage to express our interest. i'm going to express my interest for you. may i receive some guidance from HIM to allow me to get closer to you?

you once asked me if i'm the kind who will fall in love easily. let me tell you now. i'm the sort who might be touched very easily for things people do for me. however, it's very difficult to earn my trust and love. i'm very impressed that you have done it. perhaps it's due to earlier misconception of your playfulness. i was very impressed that you manage to keep my secrets well. now i simply feel like showing you my heart.

may i have the honour?

love,
me

FINALLY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

finally somebody agree with my explanation!

you are sitting in the bus. the bus make a sharp turn. you feel yourself leaning towards one side. explain.

one of the A level hot favourite question. my A level physics teacher hate to use inertia to explain, which i thought is the most correct answer. he love to use the fact that it was due to circular motion, a need for centripedal force. i hate his argument. because he's using the end to explain the beginning. he's using what's going to happen to the future to explain what's going on now. for as long as i can remember, everytime this question appear for discussion, i will try to debate with him.

finally. finally, today, my physics professor use the way i explain it to explain the occurence. using inertia to explain it. i'm so happy!!!!!!!

need to sleep. guess i will stay in campus tonight to mug more and sleep more and train more. time is not enough to travel back.

OMG!

i just got back from my cycling training! gosh! they told me it's slack training but how come i don't feel my legs now? we are going at 40kmh on flats, and about 30kmh on upslope. wtf. my best ever was cruise 35kmh on flats lor!!!!!! and the fact that i have to cycle past 2 nus knolls before i reach the meeting room didn't help much. and to end the 1hr 30mins training of 40km with a big note, they decided to race up 2 knolls!!!!! WTF!!!! i'm already at my LOWEST gear ratio and i can't move. this is a wtf day. time to train harder.

it's a very nice group. all with the same interest. some of them are going for half-ironman next month. can you believe that!? now, all the seniors asked me to stop training for whatever swim or run. ask me to concentrade on cycling. alright, i'm the only new blood. they almost made me the road team manager. wtf again. i'm glad that they feel confident in me. probably because i'm one of the VERY few that approach the club rather than they tried to recruit me. nonetheless, i'm a recreational officer for the cycling club. good thing. i want to organise so many things. i have so many ideas. maybe i should start penning down all my ideas.

talking about in the committee, i'm also a committee member of the sailing club. gosh. at least all 3 ccas dun crashed. btw, my 3rd cca will be business committee. gosh. i'm loving it! keep me busy! keep me moving!

btw, just now after our training, we were discussing about training for a triathlon. we were talking about this guy in nus. he rides to school. swim during lunch time. rides home and do his run training. EVERYDAY! on top of that, his schoolwork is pretty good and he has got a very stable relationship with his gf. how the hell did he manage to do that? he don't sleep??? that will be my idol!!

where's my leg?!?!!?!?!!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!

anyway, i learnt alot about group riding today. it's my first group ride. it's damn damn damn fun yet tiring. it's the very first time i can feel my lungs getting tired. first time i feel air rushing into my lungs. first time i breath so hard that my vision began to narrow. anyway, i'm going to take down my aerobars. no use for it. decided to train till i can cruise at 40kmh before doing TT again.

sailing comm, cycling comm, bizcomm. life.

trying to live life to the fullest as an undergraduate is very tough. but this toughness is making me strong, it's getting me going! now, i've been reading my text at every free time i have instead of oogling at the thousands of pretty girls around. i've been reading for 4hours today(i am still reading now) and i still have about 20pages to go!!! and that's only one chapter. i have two more chapters to catch up. and these are only one module!

let me share something i've read today.

"...see our age as one filled with colliding interests between family, work, love and the freedom to pursue individual goals....."

"Love is a search for oneself, a craving to really get in contact with me and you, sharing bodies, sharing thoughts, encountering one another with nothing held back, making confessions and being forgiven, understanding, confirming and supporting what was and what is, longing for a home and trust to counteract the doubts and anxieties modern life generates. if nothing seems certain or safe, if even breathing is risky in a polluted world, then people chase after the misleading dreams of love until they suddenly turn into nightmares."

that's why i love my arts module. and i love my french sociolgy teacher. i think she can give a damn good lecture. i was on 100% attention today. the last time the local professor gave the lecture, i slept. hahaha.

yea. i think i'm changing from a extremely science person to a arts person. i find arts subject so interesting. at least, in the lecture you will just listen and listen and in tutorials you just discuss and discuss. don't get me wrong. i'm not regretting. i still love my maths and my physics. they still hype my brain!

read! read! read!!!!!!!!!

OMG!

i saw a shooting star! a bright silvery blue one! and when it fade, it turned orange n went off. like a flame dying. gosh!!!!! it's so beautiful!!! and it's not those that last for micro seconds. i stared at it for 2 seconds!!! so beautiful. everything was right. i was in my friend's room and when i stepped out, through the little gap among the canopy of the tree, i saw it!!!

however, sadly, i didn't know what kind of wish i wanted. i was thinking "i want to make a wish i want to make a wish!" but nothing came to my mind.

seconds after it faded, i thought "if the wish is still valid, just wish that i'm always safe and blessed."

yay~!

i finally settle into my room. well, i thought its very clean and neat. will be keeping it this way! i spent the whole afternoon cleaning every corner of the room, including mopping the floor with the rag. (i couldn't find the mop). everything is in place now. so nice. i love it.

i love this residence. it's full of international students. i'm rather sick of the local pretty girls like. this is a good change. and there are alot of international students who are so pretty!! or rather, they are beautiful. i still don't know how to explain the difference between pretty and beautiful, but ya, that's just the way it is.

i find asian people very hostile and unfriendly. firstly, i was asking for directions in school yesterday. first i asked this caucasian who's waiting outside the classroom. he said he wasn't waiting for the same class as i was and offered to help me find even though his knowledge of the campus is much limited. then i asked this local guy.

"are you waiting for maths 1505 class?"
"no" give a black face and turn away. shoulders facing away from me. i was like...wtf. he didn't even want to let me thank him or apologize for the question. how rude.

then i moved into my room today. asians stay directly opposite my room and diagonally. they walked past while i was cleaning something at the door. i said hi and i got a "what the fuck you want" face. wtf! (no pun intended)

then this caucasian walked past, saw that i'm cleaning, decided to come in and say hello. apparently my room is very different. i have one more set of windows and my room is about 20% bigger than others. quite lucky man. anyway, then my swedish neighbour (the guy beside) came back. he said hello to. how nice. we must have stood there and talked for like an hour.

anyway, from my swedish neighbour, do you know that IKEA worldwide have the SAME floor plan, SAME design and SAME everything?

welcome to the global village.

after a month long negotiation with the Office of Student Affairs, NUS, i've won the battle. finally they gave me a room to stay in hostel. now, i can save 4 hours a day! that's one sixth of the day! no wonder lately i rather do my own study at home.

over breakfast just now, i was thinking, i'm indeed someone who keep to himself alot. in a negative way. i realised i have been bitching about how stressed and sad and disappointed i am. i always feel that i'm all alone. but i realised that alot of people actually care. starting from the family. they do care, probably not in a way i want it to be but i can sense it (finally!).

till today, everytime i am about to lose my balance and fall, i will remember deeply what G told me. those words will make me find my balance again. help me be myself again. and those words aren't sweet mind you. those are words, when used wrongly, can cause more harm than good. indeed everybody around us are here for a reason. we are built by people around us, don't you think? one day, when i die, i will go to heaven and meet 5 people. the 5 important people who will shape my life. i will also be one of the 5 people whom someone will meet. 5 people you will meet in heaven. at least, this will keep me away from the thought that i'm useless to people around me.

now, i'm going to do what i love to do when i'm regaining my balance. i have exhausted myself, had enough rest. now, i'm going for a good lunch. afterwhich, i will have a very long cold shower. just to let the water run from my head down to my toes. wash away my worries and fears. wash away my dirty past. then, i will get my engine going. yea. i have to. i have to stop procrastinating.

on training matters, i've found a running partner too. so happy that i finally got a room to stay so that i can train with him. so now, i have found training khakis for all 3 disciplines. good news. body is already recovering. the aches are going off, so i'm going to start training tmr! by the end of this week i shall decide if i wanna give the new balance aquathlon a try. or rather, a tri~

it's damn disappointing and frustrating to learnt that your brain no longer function well. i can't do all my tutorials! that's damn sad. i hope i'm not the only one in class like that. argh~

i think i'm getting high from the lack of sleep. it's nearing 2am and i have to wake up at 5am later. how shiok.

some males rely on male buddies while some rely on the female counterparts. i think i'm one of those who find a need to have male buddies, or rather, male seniors, role models, advisers, etc. i do not turn to my female counterparts for advices, strangely enough. spoke to one of my most respected senior and gain quite alot. priorities in life and such. i'm not turning into a gay btw.

over the weekend, we were having some elections for student union project committee and i told him i'm rather interested in the project director post but i'm really apprehensive about working with unknowns. not that i'm afraid of it but i don't really enjoy with people i don't know. i like to form my own team. i like to know where's the finish line before i start running. i must have a goal in mind. but there they are, asking us without even letting us knowing what's the end product. and those people who ran for the post, i doubt their capabilities in a sense that how can they be so cock sure of themselves when they don't even know what they are doing?

anyway, i find public speaking a very crucial factor to be a good leader. i was thinking to myself, for those of them who went up and ran for the committee, they speak very well. if i were one of the contestants, i will probably lose out although i'm quite sure of my capabilities. i just can't speak. actually, that's also one of the reason why i didn't ran for it. i know i can't convince those people out there who don't even know my name to vote for me. i'm still the one who rather work from the bottom and prove it to the world rather than to speak and convince everyone to believe in me. look at our nation leaders. how many a times must they use speech to convince? how many a times must they use speech to make an impression? i think i'm going to start looking for avenues for me to improve on this aspect of me.

over the weekend, it had been rather hellish for me. missed classes for 2 days and realised i've got SO MUCH to catch up. in the first place, i already have alot of catching up to do. damn. i'm sort of procrastinating all this while. i can't seem to find an conducive environment. i really want to start reading up on alot of things. but just let me bitch for a while. firstly, my desk. i've finally tidied it up in preparation of the work i'm going to face. it's rather nice for me to work EXCEPT for the damn blardy wire that's running across it. not going to explain further but that's one of the downside of having to share a room. i used to do alot of readings during my jc years on my bed. now that it's decked up, i can't. the lightings aren't right. and how many a times have i so wanted to read my 'triathlete' but having not to do so because of that?

can i just bitch that i STILL want to live alone?!

and also, i'm totally shagged out. did ippt in the morning. gosh. after being laid back for 2 complete months, ippt is really a chore! to think that it used to be just a normal saturday to me. well, after ippt i went to NUS Splashdown, some swimming event. i thought maybe i can just treat it like a normal swim training. oh my gosh. i sucks! i went with N, a school swimmer. i followed his pace and by lap 4 i'm already dying. talking about triathletes train with swimmers, cyclist and runners! nonetheless, at least now i found a swim training coach, partner, motivator or whatever you call it. will be joining some cyclist for road training this tues. really looking forward to that. Rodalink tuesday ride. i hope i don't get dropped too soon.

can i take a break?

ok. here's the plan.

3 Sept. New Balance Aquathlon Challenge. swim1.5km, run 10km
18Sept. The Terry Fox Run. run 7.5km ***
25 Sept. NIE Biathlon. swim 500m, run 5km
4 Dec. Standard Chartered Half Marathon. run 21.1km. ******

now, anyone want to join me for any? even for the terry fox? there's a 4km walk also if you don't really want to sweat it out on a sunday morning. anyone got any more activities to recommend to me between Oct and Dec? i don't want to be burnt out from just running all the time. i'm kinda lazy to train for the half marathon but i love training for biathlon and things like that. also, any advice if i should do the new balance aquathlon? it's like 2 weeks away only. this is one big push factor for me to check into Raffles Hall to start training.

on the topic of campus accomodation. Office of Students' Affairs (OSA) told me that they can't give me a single room due to the fact that it's full. i had a long time arguing with that admin officer that why, that the room is given out and nobody check in, and OSA still refuses to take them back. after hanging up, i think she's not really satisfied with the debate, she sent me an email, trying to explain things again. i got pissed. i replied her with my views. and the reply is rather standard, "we will keep a lookout for you.". NUS admin just can't work. damn it.

i think that students in NUS are rather a pampered lot. deadlines are given but not respected. this tiertiary education is probably the last step before we embark our journey into the deadly working society and they can't even abide to simple rules and regulations and adhere to the deadline? how are they going to work then? i doubt the society outside is as kind as OSA to give them new deadlines over and over again, without a valid reason. if you can't adhere to the deadline with a valid reason, you got to face the music! get the facts right!

i'm actually feeling rather down. for reasons in the previous post. for 2 days, i tried to calm myself down, tried to be alone, there's just someone who irritate me again. hai~ i think i'm going to take a walk in town later. also to do some shopping. i feel like going on retail therapy but then again, i'm keeping aside some money for the hostel thingy. beside, i found a new motivation to save up when i saw this young lady having 49,000.00++ in her account. oh my gosh! i thought it was kinda stupid to have so much cash in a savngs account. nonetheless, at least she have that much money!

ok. it's 2:30am. i have class at 8am tmr. i'm not sleeping. obviously i'm having some problems. i wouldn't really say that it's a problem. just thoughts in my mind. alot of thoughts. all begin when i was shut out when the 3 of us went town together, followed by the fact that i need to skip a day's training and coming home having to pickup a hanger just in front of my cupboard. i shall try to explain.

today, me, WL and E planned to go out to shop around before settling down for a movie. afterwhich we will go home. sounds sweet. i can watch movie (which i really want to) then i can train also. nothing disruptive to my timetable. then, we, or rather, they, decided to hang around in campus. each looking at their own laptop doing god knows shit. (sucks. i think my language is just showing how whiny i am) since 3 of us are stuck in a room, once a while i tried to start a conversational topic. both of them will ignore me. ok, nvm, i'm used to that. then i go read my magazine. WL said something. E responded. now, i feel kind of shut out by the 2 of them. first i don't know what are they doing rather than to follow our plan, then when i talk they continue to be busy, then they started talking. i mean, WTF!

i was really feeling very left out. i really wanted to leave for home there and then. at least i can come back and train and make myself happy. but i didn't. i didn't because it's socially wrong. now, that struck the first thought.

would i rather be socially wrong and keep myself happy? it's kind of hard to balance life when you have your individual committments that are so different from pple around you.

i don't blame them. maybe they have things to do on the laptop, which turns out to be "downloading mp3" and "trying out the new laptop". nonetheless, i don't blame them coz i read my "triathlete" then and learnt something. next, on the bus on our way to town. E sat beside me and WL. either i was really tired or what, i don't seem to find any bit of humour in their conversation so they sort of hinted to me that i'm boring them out. then E tried to talk to me. as i was speaking, i got interruptted by WL and their conversation continues.

you know how pissing it can get when you are left out for the whole afternoon, and when you finally are back in the conversation, someone just have to interrupt and cut you off?!!???!!? and they do not have the courtesy to go like "i'm sorry. where were you?" it just further goes to show that they are out to shut me out today. then in the mall, all their body language and whatsoever is really shutting me out. that sucks!

bleah. alot more. at least WL came to apologize at the end of the night. maybe that's because i told him that their behaviour is really shutting me out and not allowing me to at least smile. argh. wtf is wrong with E today. totally shut me out! wtf! thank god there are still pple who are nice to me.

nonetheless, i feel so guilty that i missed a training. it's like my motivation for life, my religion and my source of happiness. and i chose to miss it just to stay in the company of pple who shut me out? gosh. now i'm really pretty worried that this one day rest is going to hurt. not in the events next month or the standard chart. but the ippt on sat. everything this week is so well planned for and i just screwed it up. actually i didn't know skipping one training can be of such huge impact to me. maybe previously i didn't take them seriously. now that i do and that i find motivation and alot of other meaning in it, it hurts. it hurts that i'm not respecting it. that i'm not giving myself a chance. that i'm not celebrating life.

celebrating life. isn't that what's it all about?

lastly, they are pressurising me to go into the hostel. the hall. it's a double room. i have SO many hundreds of reason why i want to have a single room, to stay by myself. i'm just an oddball. just let me stay alone will ya? at least when i stay alone and i come back, if i see the hanger on the floor, i will know that i dropped it. i don't like to pick up shit behind people. if you want to stay with me, you gotta respect my privacy and my standards of cleaniness. lastly, you have to respect my silence. hai~ i'm just an oddball isn't it?

i think my character hasn't really changed. i still get pissed at the slightest thing. i still get vexed at the slightest problem. i'm an idealist, a perfectionist. not really healthy for my mind though. now, will someone teach me how to "bo chup" certain fine details?

it's a lousy day today. very bad day. i need one day of recluse to get well. now, at least i've changed alot. i didn't want to go to pubs to think. i didn't want to eat no more (coz i dun wan to affect my training). i just want to talk. i just want someone to talk to.

can't i just have it? my alter ego?

ha!

after slacking for months! yes! i meant plural! i think i haven't seriously train for like 3months! this week, i finally got my ass moving to start training again. all from the motivation of 2 triathlon highlights i watched on monday.

yea, today is also the first time that i bothered to go and run even though my legs are aching. i realised that i probably recover faster if i do some running. nonetheless, i'm glad that i did. i think i'm falling in love with long distance running again! i just love the feeling that your legs just keep on moving and your lungs just keep on working. it brings life in me. actually, running is just about falling. if you have observed how a baby begin its first few steps. it's just about losing the balance of our Centre of Gravity and moving the legs in front to balance our CG again. so, go ahead! go ahead and run! fall! fall in love with it.

sadly, i've yet to find a training partner. no one is still interested yet. but at least, i know TL and Nick have the same ambition as i do. triathlon. hopefully next sem we can all stay together in campus and train together. actually, i can join the biathlon team to train too. but i think i'm just too egoistic. i find a need to train myself and bring my standards up before i join them. i just don't want to be seen as the most lousy around. so, perhaps i join them like next sem? heh.

i just got my laptop today. it sucks. as in the software. we must have this domain thingy before we can use the wireless LAN in campus. so, because of that, everytime i boot up, i must press alt-ctrl-del and then type in my user id, before i can proceed to windows. now, anybody know if i can skip this step? i would love my laptop to go straight to windows and wait for me.

once again, it's rather proven that i can't mingle well when the group is big. i will just keep absolutely silent. however, i can converse well when it's rather small, like only the 4 of us. hmm..that's if it's all guys or a group without the chee hongs!

i don't know why. i'm rather disappointed that i didn't managed to talk to her much today. the settings are just not right and i don't have the opportunity. but i do feel quite glad that she always come and walk beside me when the whole group of us decide to take a long walk along the coast. i thought maybe it's coincidence. so when we walk the 2nd or 3rd time, if she's in front i will purposely walk behind. she did turn around, look at where i am, and just come behind and walk beside me. when she's tired and want to go home, she will just come to me. i'm very happy about that.

i don't know. today, when someone was joking about something that she said that was meant for me, she turned around, look at me. i was silent for a moment. then i laugh it off. she give a black face and turned away. does that mean that what that guy said was absolute truth? then she sounded sian coz she thought that i wasn't there last night for her. then when i told her i was there, she lighted up. hmm..i don't know. i really don't know.

i will just take it as she's very friendly and i'm really throwing myself on my own accord. nonetheless, it feel sweet to be nice to pple and to have pple being sweet to you.

not really very nice but i love it's sharpness. last picture of the series "growing up" when i decided to try macro on some wild flowers.



my very first macro shot. a spider which i can hardly ssee with my eyes.

too blur. didn't manage to capture the desired frame too.


this is not taken by me but i like this picture too~!

i failed. i failed terribly as an organiser! hai!

it's really damn hard to get a group going. i don't understand why can't they be more understanding? i organise a outing. you want you come. don't want you don't come. why must they create so many troubles? why must they expect all others to suit their time table? why must they try to do things when they are incapable? if you want to do things, why don't you do it yourself? if you can't, then don't do it. why must trouble others? trouble liao still want to make so many request.

last night, i am assign to put together a dinner outing plus some events in school. in the first place, i'm not even the initiator of this event. someone just "eh..why not we do this this this and hey axfire! you go n organise k?" wtf! end up, the response is so poor because everyone decide that they want to do their own things the very last minute. then right now, i'm suppose to help to put together a surprise birthday party for the girl who pissed me off last night. why? coz the initiator want to go watch a play, so she can't do all the buying of food and planning and calling. then in the first place why have it? just watch your play and shit la. celebrate the birthday next time. why trouble me? trouble liao nvm, i promise to help since im so free. then give me so many injects. want this want that. not easy le! tmd. my phonebill alone how much liao? wtf!

i shall continue to live by my motto myself "give solutions, don't give troubles"

last night, while bitching with the taxi uncle, i thought of a very good idea to solve some land transport issues. certainly cheaper than 40million bucks but definitely more efficient and user friendly. i'm going to write in to Land Transport Authority soon. hehe. i wonder if they will pay me. just pay me 10% of the savings i can help them get and i will be rich enough. then again, they will take back some by income tax. hmmm...smart government.

this is my favourite shots of all time! what it means? need me say more?



picture 2






look like we just ended a war, doesn't it?

anyway i have alot more beautiful pictures but sadly i can't post them up. took a hell lot of pics with lain coz WL love to play with my camera, and the best part is, those shots are so nice that they look like they came from our wedding album. no kidding! hhaha...

yes. i couldn't wake up this morning and i have to rush down to campus in a cab only to listen to 30minutes of course introduction. i thought he will go on and start the lecture but he dismissed us. what a waste of time. hai~

nonetheless, it's a happy day today. or that's what lain said. she said i look damn happy today. pretty fun. shopping trip. two of us. as usual, behaving like we are supposed to be holding hands but we weren't. it's been damn long that a girl will stand so close to my face and talk to me. no, it wasn't in an offensive way.

"my sassy girl" re-enactment on the bus as we decided to slap each other's thigh harder and harder. gosh. yes, right after that we just behaved very quietly, sharing the music from her mp3 player. "how nice" you would thought, i'm still thinking.

ok, i'm tired. i was dozing off when i was at the hairdresser's. gosh. did the whole shop recognise all their customers? everytime i go in, if it's a different hairdresser, she will be like "oh..i know how was it done. i remebered that time you want this want that did this did that." well..that's not bad service also la~! but do i look like someone who like "lao hu zi" rather than 'national geographic'?

life as a student is good.

not one is ever going to believe this!

like i said, all that i dreamt of is falling in place neatly now.

last night, i dreamt a little about G.

well, i went out with my OG today. as usual, i'm very disturbed by our (mine n hers) behaviour. it is so much that people are saying that we look just like a couple. gosh!

anyway, went to One Fullerton to catch the flypast and fireworks. reached there, took a few nice postcard looking photos. then found a spot and settled down. there's a group of young people right beside us also. nothing fantastic about them.

then, as i was looking around to look for nice scenery to shoot, i saw an eye. the face was blocked. so i only saw one eye.

i saw the eye only. i knew it look so familiar!!!!!!!!!!!!!

then, i saw the face. don't know who's that.

then, we had eye contact.

Oh my fucking shit!!!!!!!!!!!! it's G!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

gosh! i didn't say hi. it was too awkward i guess. nonetheless, the most important thing is i'm not affected at all.

and amazingly as it can be, i told lain. only told her when we were alone. one thing is i want her to understand that although it take time to get out of such sadness, it is possible. secondly, i want her to understand that i've cleanly gotten over it. haha.

we are going shopping tmr.

check the last post. posted when i'm drunk. damn funny. i don't even know what i'm talking about.

but the chivas is real. i still can't stop laughing.

everything in my dream is now falling neatly into place, in reality.

0oki...club momo is very fun. i think it's just trying to copy zouk. zoukie, no worries, momo is nowhere zouk.

after being so high after playing a fool with the bartender, (i manage to convinve him to add 3 shots to my jug for the price of one okie..) i had a big recovery. (recovery is not the right word but im just too high now)

after one single daring from my friend, i kept a bottle of Chivas, paid by some other idiot who left it on the table, and kept it under my name!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hahaha...now i have a free Chivas in club momo. anyone?

if i'm not having a crush on her, why am i making such a big deal that i've upset her over the choice of words over msn???? words alone are the last thing i want in communication. why am i sp upset that i thought over it through the night?

tell me.

although i really hate her for her choice of words when i was down, now i really appreciated it. it's the most magical words i've heard. it hurts but it work. maybe you just need someone you trust and believe to give you a wake up call.

lain is down. seriously down. and my poor expression simply made it worse.

i'm sorry. i don't mean no harm. i was trying to rephrase what she've told me into nicer words to put into your ears, to ease your pain.

i was thinking if i should get a Team Discovery jersey or a Official Tour de France winner's yellow jersey.

then i saw this!!

i think i should start thinking what i want and see if it's possible to turn it into a business idea not. i want to be like that guy i met the other day, driving a posche at the age of 30.

first day of school. engineering is indeed pretty interesting (to me) and definitely hard-core maths. i think i must dig out my A level maths n physics notes liao~

anyway, compare it to business, i think it's rather flat. as in, engineering is like dead. we are just studying and applying what dead men's thoughts. successful and brilliant thoughts though. business is more fluid i guess, after a crash lesson with pico on msn. i really think i'm going to take business as my minor.

nicole kidman as samantha in "bewitched". looks good but i still prefere elizabeth montgomery in the tv series. it's my favourite comedy! shortly after "the nanny" and before "mad about you". i'm hooked to these 3 comedies you see. i will be glued to the googlebox everyday from 1730 to 1900. somehow or rather, old comedies seem to be more funny. i wonder why. maybe the producer these days are so concerned about making money that bad productions even have a chance to be aired.

now, anyone want to watch "snow wolf lake" with me? i know it's damn fucking EXPENSIVE. but i want to watch! at least, i want to start having some cultural lifestyle? hahaha. no. seriously, i want to watch this. it's nice! i suppose. i haven't seen it yet. anyone?

school's starting tmr and i realised i'm quite a blurhead. that's the results for ignoring all the letters and booklets nus sent. hai~

i can't seem to concentrade on doing anything right now. not even sleep. i don't know why. i can't even concentrade to blog this. weird.

another weird dream last night. this, i pretty much hope it will come true. lol!

oh well...the "blind date" went pretty much ok. topic of the day will be that girls who are entering the university with me are kiddish and naive. think so? basically we agreed that people who haven't been through work are rather lousy at social skills. if not, none. i don't mean those easy part time work. work that involve your future etc etc.

alright. now i understand why i'm always fooling around with older women.

they ask "would you mind dating a woman who's older than you?"
naive girl ask "if this guy is whatever towards me, you think he like me?"

older woman say "ooooooooohh...you are still as handsome as ever"
naive girl say "eeeek....haven't die ah?"

older woman talks about almost anything under the sky.
naive girl only care about themselves and their academics.

hai! now you wonder...

anyway, i saw le yao at thumper just now. goodness gracious me!!!!! she's damn hot!!! seems like i didn't support the wrong person the moment i saw her at star search. damn blardy hot gal!

i think the fun is starting to get back into me! oh yeah~!

after this morning, i'm very sure that i do not want to share a room in campus. i rather go home everyday. having my sister using the computer at 1am everyday and having bro to come back at 3am every isn't very helpful to my needs to wake up at 0630hrs. both days, i didn't manage to get up. yea. you are right! i'm a super light sleeper and i just can get my brain to start if i'm too tired.

after coughing for one week, it finally stop today. i feel good for a long run or ride or swim later. the sun is good, the weather is good. why not? it's been a very long time since i touch the stack of my 'training attire'. the topmost one is actually my cycling jersey, which i wore like 3 weeks ago. gosh. time to start getting into shape. at least, i think the momentum is rolling since i've lost some weight due to the lost of appetite(thanks to the illness).

i'm going to meet someone new later. another older women again. hahaha. hai. i feel pretty apprehensive about it. i just feel so weird. then again, associate of bluetangerine? why not? lol. pray that i can start using bluetangerine decals on my brand new frame ya? lol.

i'm still trying to brainstorm for some money making ideas i can have while enjoying life as an undergrad. as of now, nope. nothing concrete. my alcoholic ice-cubes vision was busted when i saw it at new asia bar. nonetheless, i hope that as i move along and learn more things, i will begin to get ideas.

i wonder if mum has mopped the floor. do i have to do that? i'm a good kid hur.

OMG!

my friend help me got a bottle of Jack Daniel's from duty free. it look so different from the normal Jack Daniel's we see. i was like telling her maybe she got the wrong one. upon checking, i realised the one she got for me look different because it's the last kind in a series of Jack Daniel's collection series!!!

check this out!! -> goto "scenes from Lynchburg"

it's so cool! now i just prayed that she still have the box with her! gosh! and now i feel like searching for all the seven!!!

TMD TMD TMD!!!!!!!

now i know why i would be infatuated with her even though i knew i'm no longer into such shit anymore!

i'm still living in the shadow! damn it....

anyway, thankfully the infatuation is over!

i just caught 'the butterfly effect" on dvd.

i was thinking, if given the ability to change the way things are now, would i stop at just making my life better? stop at making the life of my most beloved better? at the same time sacrificing people around me? or would i sacrifice myself to see everybody happy? only to suffer the pain of seeing my most loved and yet unable to be with her?

would i be courageous enough not to come into the world, so as to allow everyone else to lead a better life?

which would i choose?

anyway, a few nights ago, i had a terrible nightmare. a 6hr nightmare. it was so scary that i didn't dare to fall asleep the following night. however, somehow somewhat, as scary as the nightmare is, it seems to be a good thing. it seems to have relieve certain tension in my heart. perhaps, it wasn't a nightmare at all. or maybe, it's real.

i dreamt that........

meng po(mp) appeared in front of me suddenly. the chinese believes that she's the old lady who will make you drink this famous meng po soup before you cross the bridge for reincarnation. so mp asked me,

"do you want to drink my soup?"
"is my time up?"
"no. i will let you have the priviledge of having this soup while you are still alive. after drinking it, your sad and painful memories will be all erased."

of course, it's all done in mandarin. i doubt she had gone through english classes. anyway, right after she said that, i had 2 thoughts. 2 of my saddest memories came up to me. let's call it memory A n memory B. although both made me so sad and such, i would only love to remove memory A. i was telling her as much as B is hurting, i would love to keep it. we started to bargain. and soon, bargain leads to fight. obviously i will lose to her. then she tried to force the soup into my mouth and i struggled. i pulled so hard. i told myself to wake up.

i did wake up. my whole body was tensed up and i was in a very weird position. its like my head and toes are still stuck to the mattress while my torso is being pulled upwards by me. i swear i was using alot of strength. i remembered i was banging the wall. i think that managed to disturb my brother but not enough to wake him up. i just can't pull my whole body away from the dream. obviously she would have some power.

"get back in here!!!!!!"

and boooom! some strong suction sucked me down and i was back, facing a very angry mp. she paralysed me and force the soup down my throat. just then, i felt human around me. i tried my best, reached out for anything i might be able to grab and felt a hand. i screamed for help and somehow, that person dug something out from my mouth. it felt damn damn damn awful. he/she/it pulled out something solid. and i really coughed it out. yea. and i woke up, leaning over the side of my bed, coughing, as though i've just puked. i was sweating damn profusely and i look around my room. signs of struggle had taken place. damn. if all that was taken down on video, it would have looked damn scary.

well. i tried to recall memory B. thank god it's still there. as i slowly dozed off again due to all the fatigue, i begin to dream that.........

i was in a hotel. some wedding function or such that require the whole big family to gather. 3 of us were going up the elevator when the floor suddenly gave way. down there, it was just an endless pit. we were all supporting each other. then, someone (let's call her X) appeared from the endless pit, together with the whole family. it was like a family congress or something. X asked me to let go, to sacrifice the other 2 so that i can live. i know she love me but i know that's not the way to do it. i begin to talk. to talk about alot of things that had been on my mind but NEVER EVER let it out. X begin crying for forgiveness. the congress began to have a small commotion. it was really chaotic.

i woke up in tears. i don't know what happen to the other two of them. i was so angry. i told myself to go back to the dream (which i always manage to) and kill X. i brought a sword along with me. i swung it around, missed X, and hurt Y(another family member). it wasn't serious but i knew the sword gazed her. i knew why the sword would have gazed her. it was all in the plan. it's very hard for me to explain in words just like that but i assure you, in my mind, that was a plan.

last night, X told me something very serious happened to Y's family. i wonder if i should feel guilty about it.