thank you, God.

just the other night, i was hoping that i receive signs for me to decide on things, i had a dream. a gal in white dress was there. i can't see the face though.

that day, in my real sleepy state, i saw her in the dress. the very exact same image i had in the dream.

deja vu.

she did the turn around and smile thing again. thrice.

i love my life.

"But there is something far worse than crashing: being left behind. Not wanting to be left behind is the main cause of a primal scene that is enacted every few days during the cycling season. A rider crashes and is badly injured - like U.S. Postal rider Michael Barry was in the 2002 Tour of Spain. He touched the floor hard on a downhill and got tagged by a motorcycle and dragged seventy feet. He had road rash on every part of his body but the soles of his feet. He was bleeding-not the dull surface stuff, but bright, arterial blood. And Barry got back on his bike and rode for two hours to the finish. He had to quit the next day, but he had done the important thing: he had proved he would not be left behind"

-Tour de Force

(abstracted from ickleoriental)

don't be left behind this season.

swim this morning sucks big time. not to blame, haven't swam for months! gotta start doing it very often again. don't want to be trapped in the current for 60minutes again this time round. heh.

had a great reunion today. although we didn't have the usual steamboat dinner, the whole family worked together for the whole day. nobody slack! this is so great. there wasn't ordering around. when things need to be done, there's someone there to do it. omg, i'm tearing.

ah..good good. it's all coming together.

blardy fever due to exhaustion yesterday. damn. rather mild though but it left my body weak and lathargic.

although i was awaken from my sleep (i slept early due to the fever), i was rather happy. she called me when she's on the way back. i don't know. i just like it when she "reports" to me. and sometimes her reasons are "i just want to call you wah, cannot meh?" sadly, she didn't ask me about my fever today.

""god, girls, what is it with you and lunch or tea? fucking meet me for dinner, is it so fucking difficult to do fucking dinner? I can't help but feel lunch/tea is some sort of insult, like (oh I don't want to waste the precious night on you plus I need an excuse to get away from you once the meal is over so let's do lunch/tea)""

-cyberpark replugged

rather true. lunch seems like a rather slip short thing. it isn't enough to know the partner better and we are always constantly thinking what's next in the afternoon. we had lunch today. if felt so lousy. although i wasn't really bothered about the fact that i have class soon, it really sucks. it wasn't as "heart to heart" as dinner. perhaps its the after-meal activity. or maybe it's the daylight. maybe it's just the fact that i can't walk her back. things just feel incomplete. but that turn around and smile thing really brighten up my day again!

wanted to skip my lab today due to the fever. however lunch and that smile gave me some strength to push through. everything seems damn easy man. programming tutorial was easy. physics lab was a breeze although the computer gave up on me when i was 85% done with my report.


how's this picture as the background for a card for vday? no special meaning. just a picture that she told me it's her favourite when we were looking at the exhibits outisde wheelocks place. the same picture coupled with the smile that made my heart sank that night.

I NEED IDEAS~!

my longest training ever.

planned to do a long ride of about 80 to 100km today. from nus, i rode to changi village and back. total distance of 93.5km in a time of 3hr 35mins. that do can alot of wonders to the body!

at 55th km, my leg refused to move anymore. thanks to the wind at changi. the windsock along the runway was FULL! omg! blardy wind. it's only that when my whole body start screaming for help and when the speedo dropped from 35kmh to 25kmh, then i realised i did not bring any food along with me. omg. normally even for a 60km ride i will bring some food just in case. and i didn't bring any for this long ride. argh~ stopped at some petrol station to refuel with one chocolate bar, one bottle of hundred plus and one bottle of gathorade to be kept in my water bottle. now, maybe it's just psychological but i managed to bring the speed back to 35kmh. the lactic don't seem to accumulate as fast after the break.

sadly and unfortunately, at about 80th km, while trying to check if i'm on the correct lane for a right turn, i braked too late and banged into a SUV and broke the rear lights. damn! out of pure fatigue and lactic flowing in the body, i immediately went up and told him that i broke the lights before he even asked. and maybe i was polite to him, that uncle was rather nice. he told me he will check out the repair cost and if it's not alot, he will brush it off. oh no, i can't. i must pay for my own mistake. anyway, nice person. he even check with me if i were injured or if i were still able to continue riding. hai, there goes money again.

anyway, at the final slope back to my hostel, my legs cramped while i was still climbing. it cramped so bad that when i reach the crest, it refused to move anymore!!! the whole quads just harden and begin to treble. i dismounted but i can't even move my legs at all to stretch it. the knees wouldn't bend for anything! omg! FIRST time i train until i get such nonsense. maybe someone can try to explain to me this thing? jieting??

up next:

NUS Biathlon : 19Feb
Singapore Duathlon (maybe) : 26 Feb
SACA Road Race 1 : 5 March
Singapore Navy Biathlon : 12 March

THAT'S SHAGGED MAN! thankfully training is moving well now. from a train one day rest one day, i've improved to train 3 days rest 1 day. thus far, some achievements are faster cadence for running. and amazingly i managed 40kmh cruising speed on the training ride last night!! and i can bend to keep my torso horizontal! this means that my belly is slowly going away!!!!! and my jersey collar is loose now! OMG! i'm losing weight. ros, better laugh at all the double chin while you still can.

i've been rather productive lately. i realised i've been spending everyday on academics till evening time before i go off for training and then i will do some revision before i sleep. the time i spent doing nothing is so minimal now. sometimes i just wished that i have more time to myself, like this morning, when i ate breakfast alone, read some papers, and read up some things before i went out mugging again. alright, maybe the reason why i'm so diligent now is because i have a mugging partner. we have been mugging together everyday after our lessons till dinner time. ha, i hope it's like what she say, "if i have a bf, i will study very hard. because everyday after our lessons, we will study together and spend some time after that." i hope.

sweet.

since i was very young, i always see my relatives rejecting ang pows by the time they finish their National Service. since i'm already having my own income, and my relatives don't accept my rejection, and my parents think it will be kinda rude, i will continue to accept ang pows but i'm going to make a difference with the money i receive. all of it.

firstly, i will treat my whole family to movie. and maybe a nice meal that follow. hopefully the "family mood" during CNY is good.

next, i'm going to buy a gift for her. she just lost her favourite jacket.

thirdly, i'm going to buy alot of lollipops and bring it to the children's home. poor kids. must spread some love to them. this plan has been dragging since christmas and she's starting to nag at me about it.

i don't really want to think about what i want to do. i want to envision our future. this is what living together is about, isn't it?

i'm so proud of you

these words can really push your motivation and momentum to the limit. to hear it shortly after you woke up and to hear it from someone you like is even better.

anyway, i'm really proud of myself. i watched webcast lectures on a saturday night and did tutorials on sunday. i completed the whole tutorial! omg! i really can't remember when's the last time i'm so diligent. not only that, my sunday was full of satisfaction. i helped out with spring cleaning. i ran.

i realised sometimes, living together do not mean what i can or cannot do. it's more about what and how and when we can help. it's not about me. it's about everyone. i got to prioritise everyone ahead of me. i can make them suit my schedule. i have to change. i hope this will continue to lead on for a better tmr. though i still find that i'm the only one who's giving it. hai~

i thought of my grandpa last night. very sad. i thought of the days when i lived with him. i was less than 6years of age then yet those memories are the deepest. i remember how he brought me down to the playground. i remember how he brought me to the central to walk and eat macdonalds. i remember how he brought me to the airport to have breakfast one fine sunday morning. i can still remember vividly that when i woke up, he's already sitting at his usual place, the couch. when he saw me and my brother, he asked "you guys want to go and see aeroplanes?" i remember how he laugh when i tasted his tiger beer. i remember how he used to trick us with his favourite trick. he's damn fast at it can. i still remember how we will always lose playing chinese chess with him. i still remember how he can give us 4 steps head start and we will still lose.

THAT is why i will never smoke. THAT is why i will always donate to cancer related charities. THAT is how i learn to treasure everything around me. THAT is the reason.

FINALLY, she did that! she turned around! we came back to school together. after seeing her to her room, i thought it will be usual, i will say bye and leave. no! she asked me to wait. she walked me down back to the busstop. as she walked away when the bus arrived, she turned around and smile. THIS IS THE THING I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR! this turning around and smile thing! yet on the same night, i feel like there's no hope.

great day.

with a bad start though. missed 2 alarms and woke up at the time lecture started. now i'm amazed how quickly i can get ready for school. in fact, both of us missed our alarms and forgotten to wake each other up.

spent a whole 9 hours with her today. well, rather good. this fishing game is so well-played in my hands now. i mean i did spend a great deal of time in the afternoon getting work done and getting my academics done. life is good. maybe i should live life like there's no tmr. please, she's kidding. i hope and i pray that she's kidding.

and i just watched "finding neverland". was so bored in hostel (because she made me stay till so late to accompany her.) i decided to pop by her room and borrow the dvd. i must say i still love english (as in british) shows. no hollywood explosion and graphics. plain simple good acting and script. english films always touches my heart. most of the time, they make me tear. most importantly, they make me think. think about life. think about myself. rushing to grow up to have a competitive edge in the society has definitely brought us out of our imaginaton. it has definitely kill all the dreams and fairies.

the first time a baby laugh, a fairy is born. when you stop believing, it fall dead. bom! so start believing!

sometimes i can feel my fairy flapping her wings around me. when i'm sad, she will sit on my shoulders and console me. when i'm full of drive, she will fly around me. she will brighten up!

my mind thinks deep when i'm tired. when my physical state of well being is stripped down to the barest.

what joy bring us to be with the one we love?

it isn't how much you love but how deep it is. it isn't how deep you cut but how much you can.

i've completely forgotten how to fool around. now i only sit and drink.

where's the wildness in me??

as much as i miss that, i miss hearing things from her. i miss each day when she will tell me about her day, what she have done, what she have eaten and what she felt. i miss going home each night at 3am. i miss the call just to wish me good night. i miss the calls to ask me how's work everyday.

i hate every guys around her who's trying to get her attention. i hate it when there's nothing i can do to help. i hate to be helpless. i hate to be hopeless.

i must be patient. it's a game afterall. i must not lose my cool again. i can feel that i'm slipping into the pool of darkness. as much as the buzz is keeping me occupied, i still do not feel complete for i was brought here with her help.

i miss you.

do you feel compelled to donate to charity?

today, someone stopped me in my path when i was late for school. the first words were "i'm not here to sell but to share.". i stopped and listened to him. he's from the club rainbow. after listening to stories and seeing the pictures, i really feel compelled to donate. it's a monthly thingy from the debit card straight. i've already done one for Singapore Cancer Society but i think it isn't enough. i need more charity. this may, i might be going Youth Expedition Project if my schedule can make it.
i need to contribute back.

anyway, just a funny thought. say there's a puddle of water in the pavement and there's a wooden plank rather far from it. you have no choice but to walk across it and wet your shoes. when you crossed, will you arrange the plank is such a way that the next person who walk past that will not wet his/her shoes?

everytime i see young people doing flag day, i will go forward and put some coins in. if i see primary school kids doing that, i will donate again and again, as long as i have coins. i've been through flag days before. it's rather disappointing when people don't donate. or worse, walk away even if you approach them.

anyway, i'm having a Army Half Marathon challenge with SKG. the bet is chocolate buffet at One Fullerton or Marche meal cap at $28. estimated finishing time is 1hr 55mins. any more challengers? we will sit down and discuss the bets. novice will get handicap. yao and yk! wanna join in the fun? did a 8km run and felt terrific and that's what prompted me to take up his challenge. the point where i feel like puking 2 months ago, i felt great today! maybe the ipod shuffle helps to keep off the negative thoughts.

thus far into the semester, it's rather good. i've been keeping in touch with people and keeping my room neat. i've stopped wasting time just doing nothing sitting here. i've learnt to keep my door open. i attended cluster meetings. i still go for sailing session on sat even though i have ALOT of trouble waking up. my life is getting fulfilling! this is good. and all these began with a competitive spirit. i want my life to be better than hers, more fulfilling than hers.

what do you want to achieve in your university life?

game over.

once again, i only bring myself to let myself get hurt. when will this self abuse thing end?

i've learnt, again, that maybe, letting her go is the best way, for all.

i'm lost. very.

she gave me a text message telling me that she feel shit. then she tried calling me. but i was sleeping. call it psychic or telepathy but before i fell asleep, i just have a hunch that she will call. i just have a hunch that she's not feeling good. anyway, she sent another message at 2330 asking "can i meet you later?". she wanted to meet at esplanade. i don't know why.

a hundred and one thoughts went through my mind, thinking of each possible things i must say in order not to mess her up. i concluded that i should just keep quiet since i always say the wrong thing. i was even thinking of how to answer her if she ask me what do i think of her but i brush it off. just keep quiet for the whole damn night.

when we met, i questioned the reason for asking me there. she replied, "i just want you to accompany me."

she also said that there's something on her mind but she can't tell me because if she does, i will be very angry and things will get awkward. she just said she felt very dumb for what she did.

(she should know the only one thing that can piss me off is her ex)

we settled by the waterfront and she asked, "what do you think of me?"

(DAMN!)

i could hardly answer. i asked why she want to know. she said, "i think you don't really know me."
"then i must get to know you better"
she turned away and shook her head.

(hai~)

after this, nothing much. we just sat down on a bench and she just rested her head on my shoulders and slept.

(don't think so much!! you can't control the neck when you sleep)

her phone rang. must be that bastard based on her answers and her tone. she sat up and turned away from me. then another friend called. immediately, she leaned on me again to talk.

while walking, i put my arms around her. she didn't move away. was it a good sign?

(what do you expect her to react then?)

when we walk, she always want to walk so close that practically we are leaning on each other. i thought maybe it's my own thinking. i purposely walk away from her, she still walk as close.

she sang, "(it takes courage to love someone)...{chinese}"

does it mean anything?

best part of the night, we were playing some silly games in the cab. i accidentally cracked her knuckles too hard. i took the chance to hold her hands. she didn't pull away. she squeezed it gently. OH MY GOSH! i visited heaven for 5 seconds!

now, i don't know what's to do next. if only i can read her mind. i don't know to action or to stay back. i just want to protect myself too. shit man, i'm like analysing every single second of the night. wtf!

it really take courage. beloved angels, will you give me some?

finally i've learnt to be sneaky. after much advice from people around me.

sent her home, remembered that she's having bad cramps, ran around the neighbourhood trying to find the blardy (no pun intended) panadol thingy. to hell with it, all 5 convenience shops around her place doesn't carry that. end up buy alot alot of chocs. hahahha. was being laughed at for the 'stupidity' because there is no link between chocs and period. the auntie at the convenient shop realised that i was trying to please a girl, saw me sweating, and gave me a bottle of mineral water free. how nice. hahahah.

i'm just thankful. she told me how she ignore and avoid the other guys who make known that they are trying to woo her. i still have an advantage. and thanks to the whoever french photographer with his works outside wheelock place. i was looking through it one by one when she kept telling me to go to the very first piece. when i finally reach there, my heart stopped for a second. she looked at me and smile. i almost died.

i put my arms around her shoulder, she held it. i almost rolled down the escalator.

my heart skip a bit. my heart race.

I just want you to know that,
I can't eat,
I can't sleep
I can't breathe,
whenever I'm without you

When we walk,
I stand tall
When we talk,
I only talk about you girl

i saw something very saddening of our youths today.

my new programming lecturer is a rather philosophical person as from what i can gathered thus far. while going through the course introduction, he reached one slide where he said "many students find this link very useful".

instantaneously, 2 students in front of me grabbed their pens and began to copy the URL.

the lecturer continued, "i wrote some life lessons you can learn as a student. many of my previous students told me they find them very meaningful"

instantaneously again, the 2 students drop their pens.

to summarise how i feel, i give a qoute from that same lecturer.

"in midst of chasing our dreams, have we lost our 'self'"?

a sad thing will be to hear the girl you like tell you that you are a good man.

gym? run? swim? bike? anyone?

i shall stay the way i am.

this is a PERFECT saturday.

woke up early in the morning at 9am. did alot and alot of things. then have dinner with friends, spent time with crush. how perfect!

i was just thinking, i'm such a perfectionist. important things must go in a perfect order. even though i have so many chances, i still kept quiet. i wonder when will it be.

i hope the day come soon. i don't want the game to end before perfection arrive.

just got back from a scary training ride in the rain. from now onwards, i shall be superstitious and believe in bad omen.

weather look perfectly fine at 2100 and forecast said that it will stay the same through the night. so i thought, why not go for a ride? i need to try out some new adjustments i've made. the ride started off with some creaking noise which i took like 5mins to get it fixed. then it started drizzling. i told myself, training should not be easy, so i don't want to let this little drizzle affect me. so i continued. the ride was great. the adjustments worked!! i can breath easier and the pain in the wrist is gone.

10km. the drizzle became a shower. it was so bad that my brakes didn't seem to work. thankfully i tried it before i need to use it. the raindrops on my spectacles are hindering me from seeing things ahead of me. i needed to stop.

15mins past and the shower mellowed. i continued. immediately, one stupid car FLEW ( i guess he was going at 70kmh) by me. damn it. it was cold. damn damn damn cold. ok, nvm. had a great ride all the way till 47th km, one stupid bus almost knocked me down. damn. then the same stupid bus braked right in front of me! that's when i found out that my handlebar is going lower and lower. i must have forgotten to tighten back the screw after the adjustments. i braked in a very awkward position which result in this stingy pain in my wrist, and now, it has spread to my shoulder. hai~

nonetheless, great ride.

took a cab home and learnt something from the driver. his business failed 4 years ago and that's when he started driving a taxi. now that his business is on track, he's still driving, for 2 reasons. first, he want to remind himself how things were difficult when his business failed. he want to remind himself to work hard all the time and not to take success for granted. secondly, the other guy whom he shares the rental of the cab is a very kind person with 3 kids to feed. so he doesn't want to watch him drive day and night and (touch wood) get into some accidents. so he just want to help him cover half the rental even though he leave the car parked at times.

amazing! there are still nice people around!

just the other day, there's this 42 year old major who was posted to my camp to spend his last month before his contract ends. he was actually offered a second contract but he refuses because if he take up the offer, another guy (55 years old) will have to leave the organisation. his explanation is simple, "i'm 42, i still can go out and give it a shot. he's already 55, who will want to employ him?" gosh! this is really amazing. for the sake of a stranger, he gave up his future. i mean, what are the chances of a 42 year old being employed?

i'm really touched.

it is really hard to understand people.

it is hard to try to crack their brain.

it is even harder to predict their reaction.

but i still can't help but try to run through scenarios each time before i say something.

i have alot of questions. questions about everything. sometimes i think she's just way too friendly. it ain't really good when you have a oversensitive person on one end and another friendly one on the other. things can get wrong.

but why does she call me everyday? why does she call me everytime when she wake up, when her voice isn't even nice yet? why don't she look back after she alight? why does she prefer to talk to the others when she claim that i'm closest to her?

i know that the answers to all these might be rather simple. but the question to the answer is one big issue itself! i don't know if i'm considering too many things but we haven't really sat down and talk about things since i expressed interest.

i don't know if i should treat you like a friend or someone i love.

i just want to protect myself too.