2 things.

first, i made a rather interesting observation. first, i saw kindergarten children playing. all of them wear tshirts and shorts, boys and girls alike. they play without any discrimination. everyone was a children and there they were, just running around, screaming and laughing. then, i past by 2 primary schools. of course we know that in primary schools, the children no longer simply wear tshirts and shorts. they begain to put on uniforms, clothing which is one of their first step to gender sociology. amazingly, this time around, during the recess breaks, i see boys running about but the girls, they are just sitting quietly in the shades. WHY aren't they joining the boys? does donning a skirt remove the rights to run about and scream? the thing society force us to become.

secondly, it's amazing how people can MISUNDERSTAND you when you don't enjoy publicising your thoughts. blogging is certainly a great way for people to keep in touch but have we abuse it to be shortcuts in keeping in touch? it so simple. all i need is to sit behind a LCD screen and there! i'm in complete loop of what's happening to my friends. alright, i blog but i no longer publicise it. i've stopped admitting that i have a blog because i dislike such short cuts. and really, this blogging thing is amazing. just because no people see my thoughts in words, and especially when they don't bother to find out more about me, they take it from there that i'm someone with no opinion. and some people enjoying voicing out their insights all the time. i don't do that. i don't like to talk about things JUST TO show that i'm thinking. so yes, everytime when i say something insightful, there are alot of amaze and awe. now, just because a very childish person blog and i don't, i'm compared to be of less intelligence than him. wtf is happening to this world? nobody enjoys sitting down and listen to what happens to their friends. maybe we are moving too fast.

we need a slower rhythm.

words only convey 7% of our intended message. if we are seeing only words, our mood there and then will fill in the rest of the 93%. that's how misunderstanding occurs. and it is so bad because you yourself fill in the 93%, it etched deeper in your heart. no matter how much explanation you can't get over it.

and i can't believe some people are so scheming just so that they are loved.

maybe the whole love thing is just a grown up version of Santa Claus,
just a myth we've been fed since childhood
so we keep buying magazines and joining clubs and doing therapy
and watching movies with hit pop songs played over love montages,
all in this pathetic attempt to explain why our love Santa keeps getting caught in the chimney.

Otis always told me love is a leap.
lamentably, i was never inspired to jump.

this is lovely but i don't know if i can leap even if i'm inspired.
people might think i'm brave but i'm not.
the brave are simply those with the clearest vision of what is before them.
glory and danger alike and notwithstanding, go out to meet it.

it is no more crazy than a dog finding a rainbow. it's like we're riding in a supersonic train and the world is just blowing by. but imagine if we could stop that train, get out, look around and see time for what it really is. a universe, a world, a thing as unimaginableas colour to a dog....i'm that dog who saw a rainbow only none of the other dogs believe me.

it's a great thing to get what you want. unless what you thought you wanted wasn't really what you wanted. you couldn't imagine or you didn't think it was possible. but what if someone came along who knew exactly what you wanted without asking? they just knew. like they could hear your heart beating or listen to your thoughts and what if they were sure of themselves and they didn't have to take a poll and they loved you and you hesitated?

the woman whose welfare and happiness shall be my solemn duty to maintain

- "kate and leopold"

something is obviously wrong!

this semester, i worked hard. i understood what's going on in class. during the test, i thought i can do it. i KNEW how to do them. BUT THE RESULTS BEG TO DIFFER!! it is not that the results are not up to my expectations, the results are like SHIT. SHIT! DOG SHIT! fuck. maybe i'm falling into the trap of mugging and not understanding. i mean, like wtf, last semester, i worked like 10% of the effort i put in this semester and i still can come up with better results. damn. maybe i shouldn't work so hard and miss out on all the fun. argh!

maybe i shouldn't act smart and pray that luck not be with me. that time, i was thinking, i have been damn lucky all my life. maybe lady luck shouldn't smile at me all the time. like yes, ALL THINGS WENT WRONG ever since i had that thought. damn damn damn!

EVERYTHING IS WRONG! and i don't have the time to stop and retify it.

when it fucking rains, it really fucking pours.

NUS Biathlon (1.5km swim - 10km run) - i came, i swam, i ran.

great job! it was very well organised. i like it. although the starting time stretches till 11am for some waves, the route was planned to provide us with the maximum shade and the drinks at aid station are ice cold and adequate. they even provided the sponges at ALOT of stations. well done!

my wave started at 1030H. men's and women's open. the ladies decided that they shall not fight with the men and stayed at the back. that spoiled my plan to stay at the back of the pack to avoid the swim start. i fear fighting in the water with the ladies. anyway, the horn went off and i ran into the water with the men. OMG! it's total chaos!! i got whacked, dunked and pulled several times. THAT WAS REALLY SCARY! nonetheless, not bad. i was pretty much at the front until the chaos shocked me until i couldn't even breathed.i thought the lifeguards will be coming over so save me. in the end, i got out of the pack and decided to swim alone. bad choice since my open water swimming (sighting) is damn bad. keep going in the wrong direction and ended up swimming multiple triangles instead of a straight line. damn damn. i was at the end of the pack.

the u-turn point for swim is on land, UPSLOPE! SANDY BEACH! and i have to do that 4 times! it's kinda no joke when you have been swimming and blood has been at your upper body and then suddenly, you need to run upslope. bleah.

anyway, i felt good throughout the whole swim. very tempted to use breast-stroke so that i can try to beat my personal best. thankfully i managed to convince myself not to use today's race to break the PB. instead, i told myself to take this as a training race, to learn open water swimming (sighting) and to learn how to handle other difficulties on the run. 52mins for the swim. not bad i would say. i feel myself moving through the water rather than just my hands moving through it. good.

the start of the run is rather giddy. my heart is pounding hard. i thought it's just trying to get the blood to the legs. managed a slow pace for a while before i thought it would be much faster if i walk to drop the heart rate. it worked! it was about the 3rd km, so i pump down the powergel with some water. a lesson i learnt from last year's biathlon. i guess this new GU Gel work better for me than Powergel as it don't contain caffeine, which always seem to upset my stomach. anyway, my pace just got better and better and the distance went on. i even managed to cheer the others on! something which i learnt today. cheering others on might be good. it put pressure on yourself to not to quit also.

had a good time sharing the pace with 2 guys. the first, i overtook him, he came along and we ran together, cheering each other on until i told him, "you go ahead. i'm slowing down. the heat's a killer". then the 2nd guy, we both got 'cheated' we saw the finish line and we make a dash towards it, only to realised we have to complete another 1km loop before we can go into the finish bin. damn! to think i told myself "just dash for it, the most just puke la!"

eventually, i crossed the line at 1hr 58mins, feeling VERY light headed. finally my will can overcome my body! although it's 24mins away from my PB, i thought it was a rather good one. i learnt quite alot of things. i mean, when i clocked my PB the other time, i was using breaststroke. that save me alot of time.

anyway, as much as i love training and racing, i hate the post-training or post-race. there're JUST SO MUCH THINGS TO WASH! and that's when you are tired and aching all over! bleah.

full steam ahead for Singapore Biathlon 2006 (March 26)!!! i will break my PB then.

wanted to take a break before settling down again but the timing when i'm losing my steam don't allow so. all the blardy tests.

it's amazing how much your thoughts can follow your mood. 2 days ago, i found all reasons to say that she's worth it. now i'm finding all reasons to say that she's not worth it. hmm... it's scary how you think when you are down. at least i've already learnt not to make any decision during depression. most importantly, i've also learnt not to shut myself down. even if i wanna be alone, i will go home. i will not lock myself in the room.

unfortunately, i can't go home. so i must endure till when everything is over, which is very soon. i need gain back some communications. the lack of communications sucks and it can really create wonders to the friction between 2 persons. when you are down and even you just don't talk, really, too much negative thoughts come to your mind that you just keep condemning somebody.

our feelings for people are all controlled by our thoughts and memory. and memory is also controlled by how we WANT to think about the things that has happened. so overtime, whether things get better or worse, it's rather much up to how you have been thinking.

the art of living together.

i'm falling back into the slump of last semester.

all thanks to the screwed sleeping pattern this week. i'm grouchy, easily irritated, doubtful for myself and lazy. i just want to sleep all the day. i'm unmotivated.

in times like this, i need some support but who will give me some?

y can't this fucking world look beyond the fucking pricetag?????
caught this off lain's friend's blog. this fellow know me as initials HS. tell me it's not talking abt me. it was posted 1hr after i left lain.

i'm very troubled. i really don't have the intention of winning her over with materials. we talked about it last night. argh. i'm just too pissed to continue. i shan't care what he say. if i can afford to make my girl happy, why the fuck should he cares? if he's a nice person, he should be glad that she finally got the thing she wanted for so long.

having negative thoughts when you are not talking to your beloved is really very bad. things just get worse and worse in your head. probably that's how all the couples quarrel.

talking to sc made me feel better. let me qoute the following things in our conversation. i said them ok!

he was saying nothing is absolutely right, even when god created adam and eve.

"if God isn't absolutely right when he created adam and eve, then love isn't absolutely right."

you scored alot of points tonight.

hahahaha. damn happy. scoring points like nobody's business! in 2 nights, a single day.

i started everything with a little bit of surprise by telling her to change up but yet dress simple will do. then refuse to tell her where we are going. she likes the rocher bouquet alot. thank goodness.

when we reached sentosa, i wanted to bring her to one of the corners with nice scenery. after i parked the car, i told her there's something in the car for her and it's within her reach. i told her to find it. when she found the card, although she liked it but i think i overdid it. she asked where i get so many pictures of her and she joked that i have been so sneaky all along. anyway, didn't manage to walk up to where we wanted. so we drove around again. i think i covered every road in sentosa.

i stopped by the roadside and let her drive. not bad. let her drive up and down the road and also some parallel parking. at this point in time i felt that it was a really enjoyable night. then i told her to drive all the way to the beach.

rather nice. seriously, it's very cliche but i think beach is really a damn romantic place. the stars, the sand, the breeze and the sound of the waves. it's so perfect. we walked in the sands for a while before she said she want to go to the waterfront. then, i must say, i hesistated for a minute before i gave her the last present, the watch. when she opened it, she thought i was giving her a soft toy. she commented that it's cute and when she start to hold it up, she felt something and when she saw the watch, that face was PRICELESS.

as i put the watch on for her, i really wanted to kiss her hands. damn. anyway, after about 5 minutes of "oh my gosh" and "wow!", we took a seat and talk in a more solemn tone.

"do you think i'm really worth it? i think i'm not worth it at all"

i had to convinced her not to feel pressured by the gifts i showered her. it's just coincidental that i've gave her so many things in such short period of time. actually, throughout the whole conversation i thought my hopes are dashed until, after about 5minutes of silence, she said,

"you scored alot of points today."

i hope things are progessing well. i sincerely don't want to scare her off, i sincerely don't want her to feel pressurised. like i convinced her, whatever i've done is just to hope to see that PRICELESS moment and i have absolutely no other intentions.

and obviously things are improving very well! now, not only she turned and smile, i saw that look in the eyes. PERFECT man. what a perfect way to wish me goodnight.

anyway, i think next time, i will deprived myself of sleep before any important event with her. amazingly today when she asked the same thing again, i managed to answer it. very fluently, very convincing. she asked, "what in me is it worth for you to do so much?"

THANK GOODNESS i can answer! and thankfully i was able to give a good explanation when she said that i have been showering her with too much materialistic affection.

"this is turning very materialistic. like that, next time whatever i say i like, you will go and waste your money issit? haiyo"

"i don't want to spoil you"

"but you already have"

time to work on the softer side of things!

i hope she like it.

i donated to charity voluntarily today. why can't i be showered with better things!?

surprise gone wrong man!

i had it planned out. i ordered a bouquet of flowers from her club (without her knowledge of course) and told them to make her wrap that very bouquet of flowers. then, amazingly i bumped into her in the evening and she was very excited that she had finished wrapping a bouquet and was showing me the pictures. i couldn't stop laughing since then. later in the night, at 2330H, i was told that they lost my bouquet of flowers! when it was 2355H, she called me and told me that she was walking from her room back to her club room. i rushed down to her club room, hoping to settle everything before she reached. and she appeared before i could get hold of the flowers and i had to hide in the toilet for a while. then, they told me they found my bouquet of flowers. i went out, they gave it to me, i thought it looked weird. sadly, before i could voice it out, she came out. hai~!~!~! surprise gone wrong. she was quite pissed that she return them that bouquet and said that she will only take her own one.

nonetheless, i guess i still score alot of points tonight.

first, they ran out of roses and everybody is just whining about it. i told them bedok will still have it (thanks dc) and managed to convince her to take the initiative and get them to go down and buy. thankfully, they got it! at a cheap price somemore, $1.20 per stalk. CH' CHING!

then, i bought supper for her because i knew she hadn't had her dinner. at the same time, bought some breverage for her friends (thanks chow). when they saw me bought food for them, i can see guilt on their face la! i can even smell it! WTF! lost my bouquet, thanks to me that got their stocks and now they have free drinks. they dun even dare to drink! LOL! then i just sat there the whole night looking at her wrap flowers. CH' CHING!

i think there's a guy who wanted to buy flowers for her. he told her that it's for someone he's trying to woo and it was so obvious it's her. like i always told her, guy's instinct. we can sense when our enemy is about to strike. sadly, i made it before him. and to make things worse, i HELPED to wrap that bouquet of flowers he ordered. MUAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

i was thinking of driving her away from school so that no one or no ambience can disturb us when i give her the other presents. i made it known to her. however, sadly, as broke as i am now, i don't think i want to waste money just for one hour or so. then again, my craving to drive is coming back. nonetheless, i hope things will go well tmr.

"she has a good impression of you."

was talking to a mutual friend of hers and mine. he analysed and try to convince me that obviously she's giving me a chance. as much as his analysis seems true and unbiased, i have absolutely no confidence. i still need her to show me that extra thing. i need to know that i'm WAY above others. according to this mutual friend, she has already shown me that i'm different because she voluntarily come close to me and took the initiative to call me. like how he put it,

"why don't she call the rest? she don't even call her female friends. she called you! she's so busy now and yet she rather take out some time to have meals with you. you see, you said that she rejected you but look at it now! why is she concern about you?"

i'm confused again.

and she just sent me a short message

"i really appreciate what you did for me. not just today, it's all the while. thanks ya!"

LADIES! analyse this FOR ME PLEASE!!!! like yong say, "she send you message you must read 5 times. got hidden meaning one, cannot reply immediately" damn. i always give instantaneous reply.

tell me, tell me, TELL ME that she's worth it.

ah ha!

the guy thought that i would run away and not pay him for the damages. for my honesty, he don't really want to take my money. in the end, he ask me to pay him $50 less, he said he will help me save some money. honesty does pay.

he said that he's rather surprised that i called him to ask him about the damages and stuff. not bad, i was complimented to be a responsible fellow. but sadly, his reaction was "are you singaporean?". in my mind, i was thinking WTF. he went on to explain that "very seldom i see that singaporeans are so responsible when they can easily slip away. i was prepared to pay for it myself. i'm really very surprised you called. at least, now i know singaporeans are still responsible."

how sad!

what has become of us?

today, i felt hatred for my teachers. they never seemed to complete the "teachings".

i woke up today, earier than the alarm. so there i was, lying on the bed, thinking about things. suddenly, i asked myself, why is the Earth flatter at the poles? i mean, thus far, from what i gathered in school, we were just taught to take it for what it is. simple things like that! i thought it might be centrifugal force doing the trick. then i thought again, if there is centrifugal force, we will be thrown out of the Earth. fuck. believe it or not. i was doing mental Physics Maths before i even got out of bed. nonetheless, when i finally got out of bed, i checked the Internet. i was right.

gosh! the joy that school can never give me!

i wish i can wake up every morning pondering about something.

training sucks! i think i got to stop running for a while. hip flexor is in pain. right knee is in pain. shin splints are killing me. as much as the muscles and lungs are feeling very good, the structure ain't taking it well. damn.

i'm so happy that i can get her undivided attention today. i'm so happy that i was asked how's my day. (finally!). i'm so happy to hear that tone again.

yet, i'm still lost.

i will be staying at home this week because i'm very afraid of the loneliness. i'm growing. i finally know how to ensure that i do not fall into depression. good.

yay~ -this magical cheer you gave me.

comments?

black or white?

sometimes, we can't help but find a need to believe in God.

some things are just too dramatic to be coincidental.

i was on the bus and it was raining heavily. i was thinking, if God want me to see her, the rain will stop. and the rain really stopped. unbelievably from a thunderstorm to NOTHING! WTF!

i was near her house, i thought, 'dear God, i cannot decide if i should stop to see her. why not you decide for me?'. she called. WTF!

i was feeling very doubtful for my chances. i was feeling very lost. i was listening to songs. i said, 'dear god, i don't know what to do. maybe these songs can guide me'. WTF! all the songs that follow are saying things like "don't give up so easily, i left you to want you to make me stay..blah blah blah" i was scared you know. FUCKING SCARED. there's a being out there who can hear your thoughts and can even give you guidance! OH GOSH!

anyway, i love all my friends.

yk and ros, you guys were right. maybe i shouldn't make it so hard upon myself. what will be mine will be mine. since there's a being out there, let Him decide.

SKG, you were right. i have been seeing things through a pair of tinted glasses. i have been very biased towards myself.

Grace were right too (long time ago). how do i want her to react? if i continue behaving this way, there's no choice but for her to ignore me totally.

jp, you were right. have i been over-sensitive?

finally. i spent the whole weekend thinking about things people around me. i spent the whole weekend doing nothing but spending time with my own thoughts. i figured out alot of things. life, fitness, family, self, love, everything. it's good. if only i can spend every weekend like that without feeling guilty. i mean, now i have debts for my tutorials, for ONCE in this semester. i was sick of saying "i finished liao. there's nothing for me to do now."

NUS biathlon is drawing near. my swim is still atrocious and my shin splints are getting worse. overall fitness is still improving and i'm still losing weight consistently.

give me strength!

sometimes, we do (or for a matter of fact, don't) things that we don't really mean.

please note that the person on the receiving end of promises will always take them more seriously. now i will be more careful with words.

for a while, i was on all time low confidence why she has been like that. until just now, i realised, with the help of someone else, that she really wanted to have lunch with me on wed. i thought it would meant "not confirm" when i say "you call me after your class". however, gosh, i was still at home when she called so i told her to eat with her friends. 30mins later, she called and say she will wait for me to reach school. i was super super late. i didn't know she had to "wander around arts canteen".

my bad, my bad.

and i didn't know she was that serious and disappointed about the children's home thingy. ok, set, on my birthday, i'm going to spread some love. i can't drag it anymore. "she was so disappointed that she told me about it".

omg. my bad again.

anyway, they ran out of white colour for the thing. island wide! my first reaction is to wonder if i will be able to get it from johor. 2nd thought was if i will be able to get it from KL. i'm mad. i wonder if black look nice on girls.

comments?

is she worth it?

i have never dote on someone so much. i have never wanted to do so much for someone. i have never wanted to give without thinking of the returns.

i just want to dote on you.

and yet, things are taking a turn again. i'm very sad and i can't sleep. i just don't want to drift away, again. maybe God want to test me again. if He does, i will strive to pass it. if He's giving me a sign, what to do?

anyway, shopping sucks la. i hate walking around aimlessly. worse that i was alone and have to enter shops full of girls. i walked in, everyone looked at me. i asked the shop assistant something, everyone looked at me again. omg! now i have to starve and be anti-social for a while. all my assets are dumped into that jacket. i don't know why i want to give her a jacket. maybe it's the look on her face when she discovered the loss of her jacket. maybe i'm just stupid.
the things we do.