that's it man. i always think i'm a very selfish person. today, i think it's for my own good.

i'm going to be selfish without guilt from now on.

firstly, i'm always lend a helping hand to a friend. then today, i was asked to help again. however, due to my own schedule, i can't help. and what i was i treated to? a showdown of anger. wtf? so all the helps have been taken for granted. it become so "normal" then if i don't, it's abnormal. what's wrong with people?!

then, i try to put together a sailing session. then no one blardy reply. EVEN they were asked TWICE! then blardy, i mean, fucking hell, they arrange for their own happy session. and were so proud of it when i ask them again. bleah~!

then comes everybody else who doesn't appreciate that i'm always trying to bring everyone together. you tell me "see how again on that day" or "let me know again when the date comes nearer". for wat?!?! so my life evolves around you. i become your personal assistant. bleah. so now onwards, i'm not going to put in any effort to keep in touch with people who don't really want to keep in touch. i'm just satisfied with a few VERY closed friends of mine.

it's tough to be nice.

on a happier note, training has been good. finally found the x-factor to keep me moving. after so long of being lost. the feeling is good!

i can't exactly put into words but this is the idea in general.

i realised the youth has declared themselves being open minded creatures. how true is that? i don't know. they watched western films, mimic their doings and declare themselves open minded. they can't even accept ideas that is different from the western films. i think that it is all because that they (we) have been brought up with the mindset that westerners are the openminded bunch. and so, we decided not to follow our parents footstep and be such narrow minded snob, what do we do? we do things that we think are open minded. bleah.

damn. i should have taken sociology or psychology instead of this blardy engineering.

friendship is about being accomodating.
it is about listening
about helping each other out

it is about love.

i'm glad i have friends who will be there. not many but a few.

we don't need alot of friends. we don't need to see each other all the time. it is about understanding.

hai. i am glad. at the same time, i wish i had closer friends. maybe it is me. i shut myself out all the time. i had too many lies, too many secrets. i kept to myself too much. i haven changed at all.
suddenly, after 2 nights of thinking (because i was having insomnia), i understand why i always resort to drinking. i still think that my brain is processing too fast. i need the alcohol to slow it down. i need to concentrade on something, like driving, training, or playing games to think. i need part of me to be occupied first. it's like, sometimes, you think you have an inner voice. but i think i have a jury of them inside. it's very painful. so many voices screaming at you. so many voices fighting for a decision. those are the times i wish i were stupid. bleah.

then again, i'm not very proud that i'm simple minded. either i get bullied or people think i want to bully them. for the simplest things. for the things i say which you can take by surface value. why do we want to think so much? can't we just be simple and open minded enough to take what's the face value? what's there to hide?!

i'm lost. very. i'm lost in a sea of unknowns, uncertainty and make-believe.

this will come in handy when i need to woo gals next time. hahah.


the reason it hurts so much to separate is because our souls are connected. maybe they always have been and will be. maybe we've lived a thousand lives before this one and in each of them we've found each other. and maybe each time, we've been forced apart for the same reasons. that means that this good-bye is both a good-bye for the past ten thousand years and a prelude to what will come.

when i look at you, i see your beauty and grace and know they have grown stronger with every life you have lived. and i know i have spent every life before this one searching for you. not someone like you, but you, for your soul and mine must always come together. and then, for a reason neither of us understands, we've been forced to say good-bye.

i would love to tell you that everything will work out for us, and i promise to do all i can to make sure it does, but if we never meet again and this is truly good-bye, i know we will see each other again in another life. we will find each other again, and maybe the stars will have changed, and we will not only love each other in that time, but for all the times we've had before.


from one of my favourite movie, the notebook. then again, to think, i watched all the nice romantic films with G. need to get back to that life.
source = smeowly

got this from ty's blog. i thought it's rather meaningful.

A man is NOT measured by...
how many bars he wears on his shoulder boards,
how many stripes he wears on his sleeves,
how many medals he wears upon his chest,
nor the girth of his biceps,
nor the length of his member,
nor the number of packs on his abs,
definitely not his mode of transport,
definitely not wat he speaks or dresses to impress,
definitely not the quantity of resources at his disposal.

A man is measured by...
how far is he going to fight,
for his friends' honour,
for his family's well-being,
for his loved ones' safety,
for his country sovereignty.
how committed is he,
to his promises,
to his moral values,
to his life principles.
how resilent is he,
to temptations,
to forces that perpetually tries to bring him down,
to crippling setbacks.
How much is he willing to sacrifice for...
How much does he respect...
How much does he cherish...
the woman he loves?

my engine start DAMN BLARDY slow but when it reach optimal speed, you can't chase it.

last night, outta boredom, i took out a piece of tutorial and started doing it. as i do it, i begin to get the kick out of it man. my nerd nature. hahaha.

and today, i didnt prepare for a tutorial. when i knew that we can submit our assignment on the spot, i didn't give it a second thought because i thought i wouldn't be able to do it. then, again, out of boredom (the tutor was teaching something i already knew, from all the google-ing during my vacation attachment), i tried the question. i got the answer in 1/4 page but i wasn't sure. i keep thinking, the answer cant be so easy. so i turned around and asked my classmate. to my amazement, that's all the answer we can get. hmmm...

what i'm trying to say is, i guess the problem with me in academic area is i have no confident in myself. i always think i can't get it or i will get it wrong. time and time again, i was proven wrong. but i just can't get over that mentality. to me, i think it's the perfectionist nature. when i do something, i make sure it's absolutely right. just like in the exams, some pple like to start working. when it's wrong, they cancel the whole thing. for me, even in exam, if, by the first look, i don't know how to do it, i will start scribbling on rough paper. only when i get the answer then i transfer them in. time-wasting but that's just me.

school is fun. i love attending classes. just sitting there and absorb. i don't go to school for THE SAKE of it. when i go to school, i go with a purpose. if i know i'm going to stone or there're too much thing on my mind, i don't go. however, people in school sucks. those snobbish think they know alot but any shit also dunno kids. bleah! i seriously find it DAMN BO LIAO! y boast about your knowledge? if you dunno then dunno la. why must pretend you know?

"don't let school interfere with your learning." -mark twain

had dinner/supper boon just now. made me think about alot of things regarding my academic future. it's like those things that parents always nag about. the "you can do it but you just don't want to do it" thing. hai~ i must say, i'm lucky to born with this brain. a brain that think too much. but i still love it. hahaha. maybe mr tang in sec school also play a part. we are always trained to think one step ahead. come to think of it, we were 15yrs old then! and we handle the safety of 80 juniors? thinking back, it was such good education.

THAT IS EDUCATION! going to school isn't education. going to school is reading what others have learnt! fuck.

do u rather want a partner who remembers and celebrates ur birthday or do u wan a partner who top up that bottle where u always drink from?

the debates we had lately make me think alot about what i want. it is so bad that i even had a dream. a real damn nasty dream i must say.

i dreamt that i was trying to express myself to a gal i like but i didn't manage to bring across the message. she got so pissed off she left. i gave up. then she came back to me. and the weirdest thing is when i woke up, lain sent me a sms "hey, just want to say hi. have a great day ahead!"

nothing surprising. i received that all the time. but it got me thinking. it got me thinking into how much i need to change to be desirable.

bleah~

then again, time has changed so much. take a look around us. i think i can easily say i have generation gap with the new 18 to 20yrs old, guys gal alike. i simply can't understand how they think. or probably i have been growing up with old people. haha.

(just a random post. can't sleep again. wan to ride but farking hell broke my valve. going for a run.)