looking through at some of the 17year olds blogs, i feel quite guilty. my sister is that age too but she don't seem to be enjoying as much as they do. i hope, truly hope, that my sister will not fall into the slump i fell into.

i will really make sure im rich so that my kids will not feel the way i am, or for the matter of fact, my sister is feeling now.

everything is in a mess. i hope things will change.

i feel so loved. i don't know how to explain it but i simply felt it.

anyway, i just took a walk around campus after lunch. feeling a little guilty for waking up late and unable to put my head down to revise, i thought might as well take a walk. not a bad walk. just walk around, enjoy the scenery. now im back, feeling all motivated to study and to train.

someone once told me not to hang out with this group of friends that i have been hanging out with. now i'm beginning to think that he's right. not that they are evil but we bum around too often. and bumming around is irresistable. now that it's exams period and i stayed away from them for a while (they did their part by not calling me as well), i feel totally different. i don't want to waste time and money bumming around. i want to chase my forgotten dreams. i simply feel different. maybe its the abstinence of bumming around or maybe its the love that touches me.

i hope this feeling will just continue to bring me along. i know that i work in a positive feedback loop. when i slump, i simply fall into the deepest slump. when i excel, i must reach the top!

i've lived in the world of lies for so long. it's been so long that i can really open my heart.

and at all this while, when i was expecting my friend to scold me, he didn't. he encouraged me. then when i was expecting him to blame things on nature, he showed me that it's the sins inside of me at fault. truthful yet not hurting. encouraging yet not spoiling.

thank you my friend. suddenly, i can feel the spirit in me again.

that's one knot untied.

i was starting to lose the drive for study again when my curiousity brought me back.

i was just thinking of a question that affect me alot, a question about choice of air in tyres in cars and bicycle. i couldnt explain it logically so i turn to google. and having 5 browser on google searching for the same topic and reading up to page 14 in some pages, spending 1 hr at 4am, i found the answer. at the same time, i found the very reason why i chose engineering.

lets move on.

love is not hanging out together, raising a family is not putting bread on the table

i hate the phrase "i'm not like you".

no matter how good my mood is, the moment someone say that to me, it can actually make me boil so much to want to punch someone.

this phrase implies that i'm better or more fortunate than the speaker and yet im abusing the quality and fortune. this phrase slap me in the face telling me that im more superior than the speaker when i want to be equal with all. the very fact that you can say this phrase right in my face goes to show that im definitely not your elder neither am i your superiour at work. hence, we are EQUAL. so why do you want to make it so uncomfortable for me to take on a higher position?

finally, of course, it's SARCASM!

#$#!%#!$!#

so all these while about my hatred for school and my hesistation to quit school (yes..i was SERIOUSLY thinking about it for a damn semester.) is all just about going through it alone.

i never realised that.

i couldnt figured out why i've lost the motivation for academics. and just last night, i was rather vexed about this issue and all the friendship issue, i went out with my buddy. he accompanied me the whole night. supper, pool, arcade, breakfast. so it turns out that it is just because i'm going through it alone. so suddenly, it's like a BIG problem solved and i finally found my motivation back for academics. i hope it ain't too late. i love over-clocking my brain anyway.

a great lesson learnt today is that we need to talk things out. dwelling over it in your heart doesn't work. at least i have a good friend. i thank God for it.

thank you.

what is the reason you go home?

i came home for the shelter. not for the solace. not for the love.

i have some things that i certainly want to do with my kids. although my parents didn't but lately, i see that they have tried to the best of their ability. i'm touched. however, i rather them talk to me, play with me, joke with me, do the things i do with my friends etc. don't tell me generation gap etc. a 2ominute taxi ride can bring me more conversation than i have at home.

nonetheless, it was eye-opening week. met a very lovely mongolian lawyer. widen my eyes so much. when i apologized for my shabby attire as it was an impromptu date, she told me "you are you. i don't care what you wear. i care about who you are". the moment i heard that, i told myself, if only she's local, i would have gone out full force! she did alot of sweet things. when it was raining heavily and she knew that i was out, she sent an sms to ask where i was. after she finished a touching movie, she drop me a message knowing that i was sleeping. seriously, i've never experienced something like this from a local girl. all the appreciation, all the things beyond materials.

right now, i feel like dropping whatever i have, pick up a backpack and travel around the world. not for a month, not for a year but a lifetime. there's just too much too see in a lifetime.

damn, i have a feeling of being in love.

and so, i felt so guilty after forgetting about 2 online msn meetings. one with project mate and one with cca.

when i finally had them, i feel so pissed off. such cork stuff and you disturb me all the while just to talk about it? the project mate meeting is the worst. the other party didnt even say anything. he started the meeting with a "so how?" and i continue typing for 15mins, n he ended it with a "alright. that will be it!". knn...wats the point of a meeting????

then for the cca meeting, it's all talk no action. just whining. basket, you want pple to meet just to whine? nb!

some undergrads just aint thinking. wtf.

i dread coming home.

i feel so frustrated.

nobody is considerate here.

living room blasting some songs.

my room is showing some drama. windows close, door close, fucking stuffy.

and i can get scolded for not doing anything. what the fuck am i supposed to do?

and it's also my fault that instead of starting a quarrel, i take a step back and go out.

hai~