i always thought that my brain was a gift to me. the memory i have. lately, i'm beginning to find it a pain.

i can remember the sweet days i have with my parents.

i can also remember the painful days i went through. the days that landed me in this state of wanting to keep everything to myself, refusing to share and probably my big ego.

and with all the goings about how parents love us and will never scold us unless we are really wrong, trust me. parents CAN be wrong. or rather, if ur parents scold you and you thought its unreasonable but you bite your teeth and tolerate and the good ol grandma and first aunt came to scold ur parents big time, do you think your thoughts are right?

a fren asked me about things. i told him. first hour, he told me the same old usual "oh, im sure its a misunderstanding". 2nd hour, he look shocked. 3rd hour, he advised me to move out.

some wounds just can't be healed.

and btw, for those who can read this, don't bother coming to talk to me. this isnt for you. i just need a space to bitch something. this sound hostile but i really don't want to have a flood of sms coming in to remind me of painful things.

and just for the record, in case such of my silly wishes came true again, i do treasure my brain. i love my brain. i want my brain. and all this is simply because, i want to be useful to mankind.

hai. i was down. i tried to shut my brain down but it kept on going and going and going for 2 full days. it sucks to have strong willpower. willpower vs external inputs.

oh well, at least i sorted out my thoughts. and the best of all, i know i wasn't the only one who's like tt. my fren is like that too. and best of all, she's like tt too!

how often you find someone who's exactly just like you? who has the same most bizzare habits that you think only you have it? it's good.

back to the brain thing, i still cant shut down my brains. i even think about it in my dreams. damn.

one of my closest pal got a gf recently. last night, they had a bit of friction and the closest pal and i ended up in MOS. first is to spend the night away and second is to let him lose some steam. and so the party was great.

then, a scandal of his came along. thinking that he's treating her as friend as promised, i brushed it off. then, while going back, i was the one being sent back first although the agreement is to drop the scandal first. not that i'm a busybody into other's life but i thot the new gf is a good catch. this scandal is simply...erm...scandalous! horny bitch i would say.

and so, im rather disappointed with the pal. i honestly don't know what to do.

advice needed.

this morning, after sister left for school, i went to the window to take a peep.

i saw her walking and talking to a guy. i was shocked for a second.

then i saw the guy opened the car door for her. i felt relieved. at least he's a decent man. in my opinion at least. he drives a van. i wonder if that's his own company. i would be more worried if it's a fanciful car.

im starting to show more concern for my family. that's good.

early this morning i received a sms from a friend whom i haven't spoke to for like a whole semester. he always send me very encouraging sms during exams period. so this morning, the sms meant something along the line like if i don't run, i will never know how fast i can run. indeed it is very true. a few months back, everytime i flip open the notes and saw those horrendous equations, i told myself that i suck at them and will never understand them. that's how i ended up closing the book. right now, maybe it is the usual exams stress that drive me, everything seems so easy and understandable. now i truly understand the meaning of the sms. for the whole day, i was thinking, what is the message that God is trying to send across. now i truly understand it and i love it.

to think that i thought that i wasn't cut out for school a few months back.

oh well, now i pray that all burdens will stop being carried forward so that i can start life afresh. many a times i said i wanted to start afresh, i ended up being bogged down by burdens from the past. one way or the other. so now, i simply want to clear them and start afresh.

spiritually and emotionally, i was dead. so now i'm reborn.