sometimes, i feel that we are driven by money. the devil of the dollar sign haunt us so badly that we can lose everything for money.

to be honest, without money, we are dead. think about it. if you have ZERO dollars to start today with, how would you spend the day? suddenly, i'm very much impressed by those families who are so poor and yet managed to send their children through university education, amidst all the quarrels and all. you gotta admit, poor families face more quarrels and fights. that itself answer why we are so driven by money. we can't even find peace in our basic foundation of social life without money, or rather, without ENOUGH money.

i hope i would get too lost while trying to make life more comfortable for my future. i must constantly remind myself not to get lost. i must constantly remind myself a single mistake is enough. i must never commit mistakes again.

do we need something to deserve someone? can we say we love someone and yet not deserve him/her? that is opposed to what i preach in a relationship. expectations. when you say if you deserve or not, are you giving yourself some expectations of what you ought to be before you can have the person? this deserve thingy make love look more like it ought to be earned, not destined. love simply happens. you work hard to maintain it. you don't not deserve to have love.
brain dead. it's been long since i do some serious deep thinking. i want some. i need to free my troubled mind before i can do that.

this afternoon, i spoke to mum for quite a while. haven't talked to her in such peaceful and nice voice for years. literally years. i've stopped hiding things from her also i guess. it was only until the evening when things got abit chaotic at home and she started shouting here and there, then i got reminded why i used to have such bad temper.

nonetheless, i told myself to be patient today. all just because i was preaching about the same thing to her last night. somehow, she will be able to remind me of the values i preach. im really thankful for that.

tmr will be another test. CNY is always about rushing. and rushing always bring about shouting and all from mum. let's see if i will be able to handle that.

we are living in such high pace life that little things irk us. things like the person in front of you walking too slowly. things like the traffic lights turn red. sometimes, we ought to remind ourselves of that and cool down. we need to feel the love around. the world is not about hatred. im not speaking this because im in love. im saying all these with a clear and rational head. our blind chase for status and material has turn us into Devil's best friends. we ought to think.

when people always question the reason for our lives, im speechless. i don't know. as much as i don't think life should be blind chase for status and materials, i don't think life is about making a difference either. what then define life? if you were born in a jungle with absolutely no one else, what is life? is life just getting through each day? is life about finding ourselves? so what if we found ourselves? it's a damn chim question. "what is life?".

which brings me to another chim question qouted from the movie "anger management". "who are you? not what's your name, what you do, what you like but simply who are you?"

aint fun to have such questions in ur mind at 3am. haha.

i always hate it when i see guys opening the car door for a gal, and all she did is to sit inside and fiddle with her own things. if she maintain visual while you walk to the driver's side, that's not bad. if she stretches over and open the door for you, you know you found the right gal.

just that day, she did the stretches over and open the door for me. man, it's always little things that she do to touch me. have i mentioned that when she knew i will be going over to her place to watch movie, she went down to golden village to get the mixed nuts for me just because i always eat that when i watch movie. it is always through little things that you know you found the right one of wife material, not material wife.

valentine's day was good. didnt prepare much. here it goes...

slightly after midnight, i sent her a sms, drafted in a similar way as a formal letter would be. all along, i've pretended that we will just be having a dinner at jurong point swensens. so the moment the car turn up onto the expressway, she figured. duh~ so i told her "this is your first gift" and pressed play. 'chasing cars'. her favourite song of the season. because i always send her qoutes from songs, so i did a complilation of all the songs from which i've qouted from before.

dinner at SAFYC waterfront was good. can't say so for the food but the ambience is definitely good. right beside the sea, under the stars. the after-dinner walk along the jetty was really good because it's so dark that you can see ALOT of stars. thank God for the clear skies. and so i opened the door for her to get into the car and told her that i go to the boot to get some water for both of us. took the hidden bouquet and gave it to her. heh. glad that she likes it.

we went to a jetty at east coast to look at stars and approaching planes. this was unplanned. every venue after dinner was unplanned. next, we went up to mount faber (as corny as it can be. only willing to go up at 2am to avoid crowd) to satisfy my wine craving. and just before we left, i told her "you have the card and you know where to find it". the same place where i kept her bday card. haha. then, after i parked the car at her place, i told her to close her eyes and gave her the bracelet which i've chose. i don't know why but that particular bracelet caught my attention since the first time i saw it and it happened to be something that she really wanted. score points. hahaha.

so that's the end of another sweet night. one step closer to exhaustion of my ideas. haha. i still believe i can create such sweet things for as long as it comes from my heart.


the gift, the bouquet and the card. the card is of a picture we both like and i wrote something at the back before laminating it.


PS: i still think valentine's day is just something they come up with to earn the money. honestly, i don't really like this day because i see alot of pretentious love around. that's one small reason why i refuse to see crowd on this day.

i spoke to my professor just now. beginning to feel alot of stress crumbling in. im already in a age whereby mistakes will follow me till i die. i can no longer wake up from a mistake and get on with life. mistakes bring about mistake.

while walking back, i begin to think. am i right by jumping into love affairs right now? as much as it's not affecting me negatively, or rather, it is affecting me positively, am i being selfish? it's like, i'm very clear what my focus is and yet i'm very lost. lost because i can't be selfish no more. hai. hang on.

i'm someone who thrives on success. when i do well, i do better. when i do badly, i go worse. i rather forgo the whole thing and restart it again, so that the end product will be PERFECT. tough man..reality of life is beginning to attack my characters and principles.

life goes on. just don't make anymore mistakes to further aggrevate it.

i felt very proud when i heard the following comments.

from a close friend,
"you do know that your maturity is way above your age right?"

from someone special,
"how is it ever possible that a guy like you still exist? you are perfect!"


awww...........