i actually love school. not the system itself but the process of learning. school itself is boring. lab is so dead. just that day, i took a bus in the thunderstorm, and derived an equation myself about the flow in the drain. i've never came across that problem in school before. (or maybe i've missed it. haha)

the problem is, i always have to go through the process of hating school and loving it again. it is always the same problem of sloth during the break, the inertia to start when terms start, the boring engineering lectures, the difficult until might as well don't do tutorials, the absence from school, the sloth, the fear to touch the notes again because i've missed so many lesson, and then, the no-choice-but-to-study-for-exams and finally, the love for learning.

people hate revision because they study blinding. i love revision (or for the matter of fact, studying) because i learn new things by myself all the time. every unknown is something to be learnt for me. on the other hand, as i heard from many of my peers, every unknown is a burden. maybe that is why it is so hard for them. or maybe my mum is simply right. i'm born smart, just that i don't tap into it.

i have a fear of studying for exams now too. it is never a problem until a mistake not long ago. like i always say, it is a scar in me. it is a burden in me. honestly, i've thought much about it. i think i'm either going to work harder next time to get rid of it or to see a psychiatrist. my mind has been damn blardy strong to have reach thus far, according to what i've been reading about psychology.

on the note of working hard, ever since semester 2, i've never bother to work hard. to see yourself working so hard and end up to lose it all, is very heart-breaking. to see yourself taking it easy and getting more reward is a better deal. because of the little effort put in, i don't expect much. anything is a bonus to me. however, if i work hard, everything that i did not achieve, is a disappointment to me. i've had enough of that. i rather be ordinary or simply lousy rather than to lose my sanity and be excellent. it's a trade-off.

not bad, while typing this entry, with the pauses in between paragraphs, i've finished reading 2 concepts.

i thank god for the mind i have.

it's tough to carry a secret that you must bring to your grave.

and so i've decided that, when all terms are right, i'm going to let it out. i rather risk to lose somethings than to hold it inside me and end up losing things that are not meant to be lost.

i only seek forgiveness for what i've done. it has been a hell of a ride with this secret. i can't function properly as the identity that i am supposed to be. there's a constant fear in the things that i must approach. such fear has bring me to abandon them, only having it one step closer to losing the everything that is not meant to be lost.

unveil the secret.

today is mum's birthday. our whole family went out to a chinese restaurant to have dinner. it felt good to have the whole bunch of family leaving house and arriving at the restaurant together. it felt good to have the whole family sitting down together deciding what to eat. it felt great to sit down for 2 hours just to eat with family.

i gotta admit, this is the first time in don't know how many years that we sat down together and have dinner. i remember we used to eat out every weekends when we were young. then, during the teenage period, friends took over the priority and ever since then, we do not have such outing. only once a year, we will sit down together to have steamboat, without much talk and with everyone going back to their own things after a less than 1 hour dinner.

i've really grown up. this grown up thing is beginning to hit into me. especially so when all i think of everyday is to plan what kind of house to buy in future, how should i teach my kids and where should i bring them to. yes, i really keep thinking about those things.

nowadays, i really want to settle down. just hiding at home everyday and doing my things and enjoying my hobby. going out to meet friends once a while is ok. it feels better i guess. like now, after a good dinner, i came back and get started on my project. as boring as it sounds on a saturday night, it feels good.

it's funny how we humans only cherish things when we know we are going to lose them. the thought of losing all these things sudden trigger me to be such a good boy. i used to think i'm such a heartless creature that i can live without loved ones and family. now the situation has turned around. after much thought, i guess i still need some love, the unexplainable warmth in the heart.

probably hk drama work wonder. i've been watching them everyday. they always portray how important it is to have strong family ties and also how they always sit down as a family to have dinner every night.

whatever the case is, it is good isnt it? good things don't need a reason to justify.

spending money on those you love is so much more satisfying than spending for yourself.

cant sleep due to hunger. was thinking so much about my life and how i've changed so much. so i decided to come online and read my old posts.

it's so interesting yet disappointing to learn that i once hold so many goals and dreams. now, nothing seem to motivate me in my life. i just moved along as the days go by. i want to achieve something yet something is stopping me. there seem to be this emptiness in my heart that is never fulfilled. i gave it a hard thought these few days. i realised that i'm simply haunted by something. a scar in my life. a bleeding scar i would say.

it is because of this scar that i cannot be what i want. it is because of this scar that i dare not be what i want. there is a way to minimise this scar but i'm not doing it. in normal psychological analysis, it is the fear of that thing that prevent me from going near it and facing it. we will see. i'm honestly trying my best to deal with it.

it seems that i party alot in the past. and yet i put in as much effort with my school work. i can go out party-ing after finishing all my assignments and wake up for my lessons. nowadays, both parties and academics don't interest me. i'm even losing sights of my ironman dream (except recently). nothing seem to interest me. ya, there's really an emptiness.

this december, i better catch up with myself. or rather, i better find myself. i missed the me when i was in jc and early days of university. i need to find them back. that is, if i can get through that painful scar.