i have a secret. i dare not tell anyone.

i dare not tell people for i do not want them to look down on me.

i dare not tell close friends for i do not want to scare them or disappoint them.

i dare not tell her for i don't want her to worry with me.

my family knows about it. i can tell that they are trying not to hurt me. they do not bring it up.

is this the right thing to do? i always advocate that friends should share the burden. i always think that if you keep things to yourself, you have no one else to blame but yourself when stress levels are high. i don't know. this time round i really don't know. some time back, i promise i will let it out. however i still dare not let anyone else know about this.

i thought this might be a lesson. a real lesson. i've never got hit so hard so badly before. i told myself maybe God did not want this whole issue to resolve just like that so that i can learn. other lessons that He put before me doesn't work. this is definitely working. this is a hard lesson to remove sloth in me. this is a lesson to remove greed in me. i'm definitely look at things differently now. when i read about this in the future, i hope i wouldn't be saying there i go again but i hope to be saying i really changed, for the better.

recently, something else also hit me. all along, my academic results are always much better than my brother. mum always compare him and me. mum always say "look at brother, he's getting all the As" now, he's doing so much better than me, and mum say that exact same line to me. i felt really really hurt. i felt inferior. i felt lousy. all these cause i refuse to work. i could have gone much much much MUCH further if i would just put in 10% more effort.

on one happy note, i looked at my 2007 resolutions. i managed to fufil all of them, except the part on train more. hahaha.

festive period. it is inevitable that there are alot of invitations for gatherings of friends and such. it is good. i love to catch up with friends. at the same time, this also make me realised who i truly look at as friends and whom i really love.

i was still feeling very worried and pessimistic about the issue which i'm alway facing. so much so that i did not want to speak much. therefore, i wasn't really interested to socialise. it is going to make things very difficult for me if i have to still smile and talk when all in my mind is my own issue. at that point of time, i realised, i did not feel like going for any of the gathering, yet at the same time, i wouldn't mind if the gathering is of a few people whom i really look upon as real friends.

when all was so gloomy, dad make plans for a family dinner. i was hesistant initially because i really wanted to be alone. then i thought, that wasn't a easy chance to come by. hence, i forgo everything and had a really good evening with my family.
friends are by choice. family isn't.

that aside,

the other day, i was thinking about my strengths. and i thought that i can ensure that things always go on smoothly. i can make plans work and work great plans. this is my strength. and this is from a nagging habit of mine, which is to want to know EVERYTHING that is going on and that will be going on. i have to know everything. even right now sitting here, i have to know what i am going to have for breakfast tmr morning. i can see that there is a pack of breakfast on the table. yet i want to know what flavour and what kind of bread and i going to be eating. that, is a real nagging habit for some. haha.