today, i went to school to settle some admin. while waiting, i flipped through this college guidebook and reached this page of world ranking of university.

interestingly,

6 years ago, i was choosing university from the top 40. i didnt work hard eventually and gone to none of it.

4 years ago, i was accepted by the university which is rank world number FOUR. the whole faculty only consist of 250 students. undergraduates and graduates. today, a single lecture of mine easily drown these people. i didnt get in eventually either. did not manage to upgrade my award. i wonder if it's good or bad.

3 years ago, i entered the university which i couldn't find in the top 100 ranking.

1 year later, i'm going to leave this university.

and im starting to miss studying. gotta start making myself a useful person to the world.

and i intend to retire at 50.

this is worth a note in my life, so that i can always read this and be reminded. some of you who continues to read this blog might find it a little uncomfortable. then again, when i say that, most likely you will read on right?

a few of you have known about the tough stage i'm going through now. from what i know, there's no 2nd chance. it is finished! gone! dead! i was almost depressed. then when i started sharing with these few people, i've realised how comfortable it make me feel. i don't get the reaction that i expected. and i feel so much more comfortable talking it out rather than to suppress it myself.

and then.....

the voice told me that i haven't been faithful. the moment when this trouble hit me, my reaction was "God, why have you forsaken me?". that's the very first words that came out of me. it just came out like that. and then, a day later, when i was having a shower, a voice told me, go check out the meaning of forsaken in the bible. and so i did. never once forsaken was used when God forsake people. it is always the case of people forsaking God, losing faith, and that they suffered. and so with this enlightenment, i told myself i must get close to Him again.

i went to church yesterday.

i believe there're signs that God wanted me to go. no matter how i feel lazy and started to sleep in, calls keep coming in to keep me awake. that never happens on a sunday before. i didn't have to wait for bus, i didn't even have to queue, that alone is quite an amazing feat i must say.

the pastor shared with us the story of his failure. although it isn't exactly the same as my trouble, how he felt at those times were exactly how i felt. and to cut the story short, the take home lesson is just to trust in God and he will deliver.

i keep wondering what i can do to seek a 2nd chance. before i slept, i prayed and i was told to keep still. so i slept. and got woken up by a call. surprisingly, they called to give me a second chance. even before i asked for it. how amazing can that be!!!!

amazing amazing. i'm still very surprised and of course very happy about this work that God has done for me. thank you so much.