exams do wonder to the brain.

firstly, while studying for a test, taking one hour per chapter. taking my own sweet time. it began to seem like one hour is not enough to digest one chapter. until i saw that i have only 30minutes left for the last chapter. finished it in amazing 15mins. wonder of adrenaline.

then, exam revision. read the textbook + notes, found them to be easily comprehended. close the book. think about the concepts. fuck. can't understand a single shit. look at tutorials. fuck. can't understand. open the textbook again, still look as easy. look at past yr exam, hmmmm....ok leh! look at tutorials. OKAY LEH! damn it. the books are screwing my mind.

better off to the gym to let the steam off. migraine is devoloping. has been missing out on runs. for the sake of this revision. and because of that, i'm feeling sleepy more often. darn.

damn the exams.

had a very disappointing day on tuesday. can't do a question for a CA component when i've tried my best. just can't do it. got me very fed up. on the way back to my room, kicked the wall of the elevator and thought "i need to channel this energy of frustration away before it eat me."

i used to sleep away such energy and the energy simply grow bigger and finally eat me up. like what rocky said in "rocky balboa", "it's like a demon inside me". nonetheless, had a good thought about there must be something i'm good at. i can't be a sucker for everything. i had it good in school before. this time around, it just didn't kick in me. so i must find something else i'm good at.

and so, went for training. preparations for my 21km in less than a month's time.

tues night - ran 2 loops of nus. total 8km. hills
wed - gym.
thurs - ran 2 loops of nus again. this time round, clocked some distance from outside campus. total 10km.
fri - cycle. hills. 50km.
sat - gym.

strike me hard how i can hammer those hills on thurs. it's all about the will and the motivation for it. come friday, it was even better. my legs were still aching from the previous night session. the first hill ate me up. i hammered the 2nd and thereafter. all the way. never got out of my saddle at all.

it's all about how much i want to do. it has never been about my incapability, coz i'm always capable for more.

bring it on!

i think i'm beginning to find the reason.

in 2006, i said
"
i know i'm..........

in a phase,
when,
1) i sleep alot
2) i eat alot
3) i drink (alcohol) alot


in bad mood,
when,
1) i can't sleep
2) i can't think properly
3) i feel like punching the person who was in my way


able to take care of myself,
when,
1) i sensed the above and started packing bag to go home at 0730H
2) try to go run and swim and do happy things
3) blocked out unhappy thoughts
"

it is very obvious now tt im in a phase and i CANT take care of myself. damn. and the roller coaster for all these nonsense? her.

reading through my past entries now. was feeling really emo about myself. i've seriously came to realise that i'm so lost. very.

so i decided that i will spend this sleepless night reading about my thoughts from the day i stepped into university years. and just after reading 2 months of thoughts, i'm shocked and disappointed at what has become of me. comepletely inhuman i would say. surrounded and drowned by vices. my thoughts have became so superficial. my concerns are of nothing to be worried about. my goals is like nothing i used to have. my thoughts. omg. what has happen. tonight, i shall read through all four years and find out what went wrong.

for a start, i was rather amazed by the "artistic" side of me then. all the pictures that i've taken and words that i've written. since when am i capable of writing things like

don't change. for i love you as who you are. you are not the material for me to build my dream girl. you are my dream.

haha. amazing huh! but what really disappoint me is the loss of the fighting spirit in me. i used to be able to cheer myself up with the simplest thing in life. now, nothing seems to make me happy. i must try to go back to that.

meanwhile, i shall continue on my investigation of what went wrong between these years!