watching 2 dramas about sports lately make me think about my own fighting spirit.

long time ago, when i was very young, it used to be "im untouchable". im good at everything. i must win everything. indeed i was.

teenage years, it downgraded to "as long as i tried my best". everything was mediocre. i never bothered to work harder. there were alot of excuses like they had more experience than me. i began to escape sometimes.

then it dwindle down to "i cant give a damn. it doesnt matter".

but now, i realised, it does matter! it feels good. i never know how good these competition felt until of late, when i keep cycling and meet people on the road. feels good to be able to keep up with them. feels good to be able to even challenge them. today, at swim, some bugger decide to challenge me on my interval sets. feels good to win him after all the laps. afterall, he look pretty fit.

i guess there's still a alpha-male deep down inside. and i'm glad to find this fighting spirit back. now i hope to apply this on work. i've began to realise, you are only good at work, and indispensable to the corporation if you are good and if you can stand firm on your grounds.

so, let's do it.

it's one last week of university life. i'm not missing it at all. can't wait to get out of it.

it feels so surreal.

i just saw my calender, which states all the important dates for my fyp and all my submisson dates. suddenly, i realised, they are all over! feels kinda weird having to wake up not needing to think about anything much.

just 3 more papers to go, and i'm out of this place.

can't wait.

i dread going home or going back to my hostel. my loneliness amplify so much that i don't even know what to do. it is definitely not helping when i have piles of assignments due.

on the brighter side, the prof just sent me a personal email informing of my very good marks in the test. i hope that i have gotten a perfect score as i expected.

meanwhile, let me try to handle the loneliness.

at times, i really wonder if i would have been better off doing my undergraduate program at imperial as compared to nus. it was a torturous 4 years for me. i was stuck in the wrong social circle in the initial years, which have disastrous effect now. i spend more effort covering up my emptiness than to strive for my ambitions. oh well, things happen. just gotta suck it up and move on.

elitism and meritocracy. now my average little life has just dropped to a bottom pit just because my undergraduate transcript aint filled with As. how did i screw up at the most important stage in life? i honestly cannot find an answer to it.

though, given a chance, i would really want to go to imperial just to do an undergraduate program all over again.

last month. suddenly i don't seem to miss it that much afterall.

i came to university at the wrong time in my life. blardy hell.



PS:

look at what stress has done to me. not only it screw up my physical, it's putting weird thoughts into my head. lucky i found myself by immersing in a little fantasy of goals and achievement. and most importantly, i looked up and saw my 2009 resolutions. it has been long since i looked at it. thank god that it help. in times like this. what a total change in mood!

all of us need something to bring us back to what we really are.