i've came to realise i'm a selfish person all along. i have never taken into account what others want. it is always about what i want. it didn't occur to me that even if people do not voice out their wants, it does not necessarily means that they do not want it. they are merely keeping quiet about it.
and i do miss my family. i guess my memory of my family are pretty short.
my grandfather. my memory of him is when he brought me to the airport early morning for breakfast when i was around 5? and all the chess game that he won me even though he gave me alot of headstarts. that was at 12. that's about it.
my father. there was once i went for a run with him. and after that, we stopped by the carpark to help the neighbour change a punctured tire. that was when i was 7.
my mother. i used to go to the market with her every time she goes, when im doing afternoon sessions for school. that was when i was 9
my brother. we avoided going to grandma's place on sunday and stayed at home to catch formula1. that was when i was 12
my sister. i remember going downstairs to pick her up every evening. i will hold her hand and bring her home. that was when i was 12.
i love my family. maybe it just because i don't know how to communicate with them. or maybe it was that few incidents that caused me to stop talking altogether. the hurt that i get is probably not what everyone can go through. i'm trying very hard but everytime little things that reminds me of that particular day, i will give up.
and i know i will never be able to move on without resolving this whole issue. it is causing me not to open up to people and people are beginning to find me odd. i have to admit, i'm a tough nut to crack. it is extremely difficult to understand me. i don't understand myself sometimes.
i wish we could have iron-ed this out together.
and i hope.